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WIBU not to make ds1 available for football - stbx screaming at me

(85 Posts)
woundedplacerias Thu 15-Dec-16 06:07:40

Dc had been with stbx since Sunday and I was due to get them back after school/work yesterday - a long stretch because I had swapped a night at the weekend to accommodate him.

He text me at lunchtime (I'm a teacher) yesterday saying he would be taking ds1 to the football last night. It would mean ds1 staying at his an extra night. I was not happy about this and said I assumed ds1 had already been told (he has form for telling dc things are happening and then 'asking' me, giving me no real choice) and he said yes. I sent a cross, but not ranty or insulting, text asking him not to do this in future. He sent back no apology, thanks or offer of another night in the holidays, just confirmed what time he would pick him up. I didn't reply but was intending at that point for ds to go - felt I had no choice.

When I got the dc from after school club, ds1 was talking about the cubs party he had that evening and said nothing at all about football. Maybe I WBU, but I didn't mention it to him, assumed ex had lied about him knowing and took the dc out to tea to avoid being in when ex got there. Ds1 went straight to cubs from the café. I first sent a text to ex explaining ds knew nothing about it and wanted to go to cubs.

He then rang me screaming abuse (yes, it was screaming) and sent a couple of texts telling me how spiteful I am, how he'd wasted money on a ticket and how the children will hate me. This really is a new low for us and I am now worried I have made things worse for myself, though I genuinely thought ds1 hadn't been told about it and ex had been lying to force my hand. It later turned out that ds1 had been told, but had forgotten. He wasn't bothered though when he did remember as he had enjoyed cubs.

I am scared ex will get back at me by withholding the dc at some point over the holidays and I am terrified that Christmas is now ruined. He is supposed to pick them up from school on Monday and then I get them from his on Thursday, and I am so scared he will take them to his mum's (2 hours away) and turn his phone off. There is now no way we can spend Christmas day together as planned, and I feel all my plans are up in the air, despite spending so much time negotiating with him so we could all enjoy the festive season. Part of me feels he has engineered all this to ruin Christmas as he knows how much it means to me and he has always claimed to find it all ridiculous, but that is probably silly.

AIBU to hate him, or is this my own fault?

Fidelia Thu 15-Dec-16 06:31:41

I think that your STBX WBU to arrange things without asking nicely beforehand. However I think YWBU to change the agreed plans at the last minute. Did you tell STBX before you went out? Or did he just turn up and find you weren't there?

GreatFuckability Thu 15-Dec-16 06:34:41

Well, id feel the same in your shoes that he cant just decide DS is staying an extra night without any discussion. You probably didn't go about it in the best way, but I don't think what you did was that awful either. The important thing is what you do from here. Give him a chance to calm down and then try to talk to him, apologise for the way you did it, but also try and make him see that its unfair to just change plans like that. Good luck!

Stingray2008 Thu 15-Dec-16 06:56:42

He should have talked to you first before making plans but if you went out without letting him know first thats a pretty low thing to do too and its understandable why he was so pissed off.

Headofthehive55 Thu 15-Dec-16 06:59:55

You are lucky your child is anticipating a Cubs party. My children seem to live in dreamland. I think it was awful of you, and spiteful to remove a pleasurable outing for your child. They can't always remember - that's part of parenting. I get your ex changed plans - but flexability is important. Otherwise children miss out, like your son did last night. My DS loves football and would have been upset to miss out.

user1471517900 Thu 15-Dec-16 07:02:21

That's absolutely ridiculous. Of course he'll be annoyed at that. What on earth did you think would happen?! You've used your kid to get back at your ex there.

Fidelia Thu 15-Dec-16 07:03:25

And it sounds like you really wanted to say no, but said yes instead. You need to work on your assertiveness, if that's the case. It's not ok to do what you did once you'd agreed with STBX

DorotheaHomeAlone Thu 15-Dec-16 07:08:20

Yes that was pretty awful of you and any subsequent mess is your fault. If you didn't want him to go to the football you should have just said no in the first place.

FlyingElbows Thu 15-Dec-16 07:14:56

Don't play stupid games. Your children are real live people and they're the ones who will suffer while you and your ex try and score pathetic points off each other. Life will be much happier if you acknowledge that you don't like each other but that your children deserve as normal a life as possible and that you as parents need to be bigger than your loathing for each other.

Pickanameanyoldname Thu 15-Dec-16 07:15:43

You deliberately took the DC out so that you weren't there when your ex arrived to collect him, and now you're worried he'll do the same?

Yes you've started something with your own appalling behaviour.

The pair of you need to grow the fuck up.

abbsisspartacus Thu 15-Dec-16 07:17:58

Did you ask ds about football or just assume he knew nothing?

MrsFozziwig Thu 15-Dec-16 07:20:00

Sorry, but even your explanation of this makes it sound like you were making a point.

My exh has terrible form for doing things at the last minute and telling me through the children. It irks me, but I try to step back and think a) what would the children choose if it were up to them and b) is it really that important in the grand scheme of things?

I can see that him arranging this was irritating and annoying and probably typical of him... but would it actually have hurt to let him go to the football?

Also, I don't know about you, but I'm also a teacher and the thought of a night of child free work at home, knowing that my child was doing something fun and enjoyable with someone else, is a bit of a bonus!

I get that it's annoying. But sometimes you just have to frame these things to yourself differently.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 15-Dec-16 07:22:54

nope, I think she went out due to the reaction she would get. by not being there, she protected the children from him screaming abuse at her in front of them , which would then be a domestic abuse incident and may trigger sc involvement. it is not acceptable to change contact without agreement. she was not changing it. she was sticking to the agreed contact.

report his abuse.

Mari50 Thu 15-Dec-16 07:29:08

YANBU to hate him but YWBU to go out and avoid STBX. I'm dealing with an unreasonable ex at the moment too and sympathise but all you've done here is plant a bomb under Christmas.

lalaloopyhead Thu 15-Dec-16 07:30:11

I'm sorry but I agree with PP, you created this mess really. You could have said 'no sorry, ds1 has cubs Xmas party tonight' assuming you knew about that to begin with or similar when you picked dc and realised. Despite him making last minute arrangements you were wrong to just go out with saying anything first. Also does it really matter if dc get occassional extra days and treats with their Dad? As long as it doesn't interfere with your plans I don't see the issue. Give and take and flexibility is key here surely.

SheldonCRules Thu 15-Dec-16 07:32:19

He should have asked first if not his contact day as it's polite but he should be able to see his own children when he likes as they are not owned by either of you.

Going out so he couldn't take DS was very petty, you don't use your children to score points or get your own way.

neonrainbow Thu 15-Dec-16 07:32:26

How childish and petty to take your joint child out when you'd already said yes to the football. Say goodbye to your coparenting relationship!

hmcAsWas Thu 15-Dec-16 07:32:49

You agreed that ds would go and then reneged on it - albeit you say unintentionally through a misunderstanding.

If you want to rescue the situation perhaps offer a genuine and sincere apology - because you were in the wrong

DeepanKrispanEven Thu 15-Dec-16 07:32:52

Blackeyed, she did change agreed contact. OK, it wasn't the original agreement, and her ex behaved badly in manipulating the extra night at the last minute - but the fact is that she did agree to it, and then changed her mind without any good reason, when all she needed to do was ask her son whether his dad had mentioned the match.

OP, I agree with the suggestion above - give him time to calm down, apologise to him, and then suggest you sit down to and agree arrangements for the sake of the children where you won't do anything like that again, he never springs last minute changes on you again, and everyone knows where they are.

OnionKnight Thu 15-Dec-16 07:32:55

I'm sorry but this your own fault, it's backfired and you need to grow up and stop trying to use the children to get your own back.

hmcAsWas Thu 15-Dec-16 07:33:53

And perhaps offer to pay the price of the ticket as conciliatory gesture

MrsFozziwig Thu 15-Dec-16 07:37:13

nope, I think she went out due to the reaction she would get. by not being there, she protected the children from him screaming abuse at her in front of them , which would then be a domestic abuse incident and may trigger sc involvement

The screaming only happened because she took them out though.

Did he arrange the football to inconvenience you? Or did he do it because he thought his son would like it? If you objected, then you should have said so at the time.

You were both in the wrong.

TheWoodlander Thu 15-Dec-16 07:39:56

I don't "screaming, really screaming abuse" at the mother of your DC is warranted ever actually.

Perhaps he needs to learn some anger management.

ivykaty44 Thu 15-Dec-16 07:44:33

Tbh I think your ex is a knob

He brought tickets told the dc about the football

But

He didn't ask about any plans at his normal cubs night

His dc goes to cubs every week on this night, but your ex didn't think twice about riding rough shit over established weekly plans for cubs, and at this time if year everyone knows cubs etc gave parties.

Thing was he wanted to treat your dc and be the wonderful parent, byt that's not coparent in, it's not checking on established events with the other parent first

Tbh thus ex deserved the same treatment in return and tbh I bet it did come as a shock to him. I bet that's why he was screaming down the phone, only he is allowed to behave like that - not you, oh no you have to tie the line.

How you move forward from this to protect your dc I don't know, it's a hard balancing act not allowing one parent to ride rough shot over the other and protect the dc.

Op you have my sympathy, sounds like you wanted xmas to be good and you put the effort in there only for this situation to come up

Pickanameanyoldname Thu 15-Dec-16 07:45:12

I dunno, let's see how calm the OP is when she turns up for an agreed pre-arranged pick up and he's fucked off out with the DC.

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