Was I BU with my partner this morning ?(80 Posts)
Small issue but I'm questioning myself.
I work PT evenings and DP works FT anything from 7/8 am to 6/7pm. I usually get home late due to public transport (about 11.30pm) x2 a week after his training DP can get me from work and then we get home at 9.30pm.
He picked me up yesterday we came home and stayed up for a bit, pottered about etc and we went to bed there was plenty of time for him to say if he needed something.
(I usually iron him a shirt or 2 for work when he tells me he needs them.)
So this morning he walks into the bedroom after his shower me still asleep, puts the lights on as he's with DS who woke up and starts getting dressed. He realises he doesn't have any ironed shirts and starts his little huffing and puffing, I ask him if he wants me to iron one now and he says there's no time and he thought I did two for him the other day ( I didn't & he never asked for 2). So he just puts on a shirt that was hanging up in the wardrobe and grumbles something about not having cufflinks
like WTF he has lots lying around somewhere but I'm no cufflink keeper if he's implying it's my fault.
He finishes getting ready, comes into the bedroom to put his shoes on and complains saying he looks like a 'tramp'. I say that you can't really see creases on the shirt, it just has the normal creases of an ironed shirt that has been worn if that makes sense?
He just shakes his head and says I need to get DS because he needs to leave, I barely stretch in bed and DP just sets off downstairs with a distraught 20mo following after him (DS can get down the stairs fine) so I jump out of bed without being able to put anything on as I'm thinking DPs just going to walk straight out and leave upset DS on his own downstairs I get there and DPs at the door and I tell him he doesn't have to be like that I didn't even have a chance to put my robe on to which DP says exactly this "you just don't get it I'm sorry but you don't" and says bye and leaves.
AIBU to think he should tell me if/when he needs shirts since I've agreed to iron them for him
and he knows I hate ironing I'm no mind reader and don't know what he does on set days (he's self employed) and he shouldn't huff and puff about it when it's too late?
He'll probably deny acting funny later but usually when we're all up before he leaves he'd say a proper goodbye and DS a kiss and a big cuddle not just make a bolt for the door.
I know this is a childish issue compared to the ones on here but was IBU? Should I just always make sure DS has ready shirts and clothes for work even if he doesn't need them because he works long hours? Or am I right in waiting for him to tell me if he needs them like he would do before when he'd tell me e.g. "I need 3 shirts for this week" and I'd just have them ready for Monday for him.
I'm just sick of feeling like he's trying to make me feel guilty
Tell him to do his own fucking shirts.
Don't iron his shirts for him. I do quite a lot to help out DP in the week (Not ironing), but if he was ever anything less than enternally grateful I'd stop immediately.
Also YANBU he sounds like a prick
I do all the ironing because I like having it all done, not because I'm guilt tripped into it (plus then I can make oh do the washing up while I watch tv over the ironing board...)
You're not his mum. If he knows he needs a shirt he can ask nicely or do it himself, not bully you because he forgot.
Tell him to do his own shirts- what a knob
Please, please, please don't let him discover that he can be like this and that there are no repercussions.
Anyone can have a bad day, be sorry, come home and apologise and [the important bit] notice themselves doing it in future and stop. Or at least say sorry sooner, ideally while they are being grumpy. If he tried to ignore it, pretend it didn't happen, you need to address it very calmly.
On a completely different topic, if you really want to do the ironing, can you think of a better way than doing shirts in ones and twos on demand, for someone who cannot work out when they are needed?
Is this 1952? Why are you ironing his shirts? If my partner even suggested I do his ironing I'd be seriously rethinking the relationship. He wouldn't though because he's not a manchild and can take care of himself.
That said, if you want to be his mum/slave and infantilise him then do the shirts in advance. Do them all on Sunday night each week before you go to bed so he always has ironed shirts. You don't need sleep Sunday nights because you are a lowly female.
Can you please make me dinner now? And would you mind cleaning my toilet? There's a good girl.
You do realize that having a pair of testicles doesn't prevent him him from operating an iron, OP?
My DP works from home some days and out on others. I do all the other ironing (just because I want to, he does it when I don't) and he does his shirts himself when he needs them. Your DH is being an arse if this is all because of a shirt.
If he needs the shirts for work he needs to iron them. You've got a child to look after.
I suspect what you "really don't understand", sob, dramatic pause, storm out of the house mopping his brow, is that he just needs you to be a mibd reader slash his mum.
Tell him this evening that the ironing thing isn't working and he's going to bed to go it himself from now on.
If there's time for him to potter around and tell you he needs shirts ironed, then there's time for him to iron shirts.
Don't iron for him again.
Do you think he treats his colleagues likes this? One slip up (in his view) and he acts like a dick to them? I imagine not!!! So he can restrain himself from being an arsehole at work... he should grant you the same pleasure!
Ironing his shirts is not your job, it is a favour you are kind enough to do for him.
If he decides to be an arse about it - you decide to not iron his shirts any more.
It isn't your responsibility to iron his shirts. It's nice of you to want to help him out, but you don't have to, not if he's starting to think it's his right to have maid service.
Very unfair of him. He owes you a serious apology.
I hope this is a very very rare occurrence of his mood and tiredness getting the better of him. It slightly sounds like something is really bothering him, and not necessarily something relating to you. I'd ask him about that after giving him a bolloking for this mornings nastiness and passive aggression.
Thanks for all the replies!
Glad to be reassured for a moment there I thought I was going to be told I'm overreacting.
He's never had to do his own shirts, before I moved in he had a lady who came to clean the house and iron his clothes as he used to work ridiculously long hours but then he got rid of her when I spotted her pocketing some money that fell out of a jean pocket when she was cleaning. I still don't think he believes me about that but IdK .
Since then he hasn't had his clothes all ironed awaiting him in the wardrobe and it knocks him off track when he struggles to find something.
I admit I'm a bit disorganised even though I'm trying to improve but I do think he was acting out. He'll probably ignore it/act like it didn't happen.
He needs to learn to iron his own bloody shirts if it's so important to him
I would be inclined to text him and say 'If you ever treat me like the fucking housekeeper again I'm off'
Don't put up with that shit.
YANBU this would be solved if he did his own shirts, he knows when he needs them so he can iron them.
I agree with all of the above. Anyone with a military background will know that having gonads is not a prerequisite for opting out of ironing.
I think if things are balanced & you do the car maintenance, fix drains etc, he should have zero expectation that you'll iron for him
I iron my partner's shirts just because I consider it another job that needs to be done and he does some jobs, I do others. I quite like doing some ironing and watching TV whilst he plays with the baby or does the cooking etc. But he would never ever blame me if there was no ironed shirt. If I have time and he's doing something else helpful around the house, I'll do them - but keeping track of how many are ironed and when he needs them is his job (he would also never tell or ask me to iron them, if he needs one for the next day and I haven't done any he'll do them).
I think keeping track of what you need to wear for work the next day is something all adults need to do!
I wouldn't iron DPs shirts regularly (I hate ironing and anyway why should I, they're his shirts), and, to be honest, he wouldn't ask me to, let alone expect it. Luckily he wears t-shirts for work (he has a manual job) so nobody has to do it.
He has, once or twice, asked me to do one as a favour (usually for a work do when he's remembered it needs doing as he gets into the shower) but he'd be quite happy for me to say no, do it himself and be a few minutes late. Of course, I'll say yes to him as I know he doesn't expect it. However, and most importantly, I've also done the same thing to him occasionally and he's reciprocated.
Why on earth are you excusing him and being his skivvy?
He is an adult and should be able to iron his shirts or pay someone to do so.
So the cleaner/ironer was fired and it became your job?
Do not iron his shirts again. He is a grown adult and can use an ironing service if he so wishes. Ironing and organising for him will not make him respect you. Quite the opposite as you have found out.
I must admit that I launder and arrange my husband's work clothing for him. He is a bit old-school, and it makes him feel cherished. This is in the context of a very equal relationship and the kids know that I do it voluntarily and that he appreciates it.
I find ironing a royal waste of time, however, so we buy shirts for him that are the type where if I grab them out of the dryer just after the cycle finishes they look terrific.
Is the issue not having a clothes dryer? Because I might buy one in that case.
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