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To feel annoyed at my friends and a little bit betrayed?

(103 Posts)
whataspectacle Tue 13-Dec-16 07:31:06

Long time lurker but first time posting. Hoping I can get some perspective on this from you.
My exH is getting remarried next year. He is marrying the woman who he had an affair with when we were married. This isn't the issue. As far as I'm concerned she is more than welcome to him and my 2ds's love her.
The issue is that he has invited 2 friends of mine to the wedding. These happen to be 2 of my closest friends who saw me at my weakest and most broken hearted when he first left me. He treated me very badly both in our marriage and for a while afterwards and they were there through it all.
They used to be mutual friends to both me and exH but have only recently started being back in contact with him.
AIBU to feel betrayed? I know they are adults and they can make their own decisions and if they want to go they have every right. Please help me!!

OP’s posts: |
DollyPlastic Tue 13-Dec-16 07:33:56

If they go I think they are shitbags, unless they can see how much better off you are now and don't think it's a big deal?

FizzBombBathTime Tue 13-Dec-16 07:38:28

Yeah they are arse holes if they go. Cut them out.

HaveNoSocks Tue 13-Dec-16 07:39:55

That would be too much for me too if I'm honest. An amicable split is one thing but having an affair and leaving you is awful I wouldn't want my friends going to the wedding with the "other woman" either.

SVJAA Tue 13-Dec-16 07:41:51

If I was your friend, I wouldn't go. If they do go then I fully understand why you'd be upset and hurt.

FeckinCrutches Tue 13-Dec-16 07:43:16

Are they actually going?

sofato5miles Tue 13-Dec-16 07:43:25

Honestly? I wouls live and let live. The more constructive you are now will be much better in the long run. For your DCs, for you and your future relationship with your ex. It is painful, i get that but plaster on a smile and appear to be strong.

LittleCandle Tue 13-Dec-16 07:43:38

I wouldn't be happy about that. When I threw out XH, I told my friend about it and she listened and then said 'well, he's never done anything to me'. Oh, thanks for the support there. We're really not friends any more.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease Tue 13-Dec-16 07:44:17

Yanbu, I'd be gutted all over again if they went to his wedding.

OliviaBenson Tue 13-Dec-16 07:44:21

Have they said they are going op? I'd have to rethink my relationship with them if so.

SharkBastard Tue 13-Dec-16 07:44:24

I know some folk don't see loyalty as that important, but it is paramount for me.

YANBU to feel that way, how shit are they?!? I'd tell him where to shove it if I were your friends, not fucking go!!!

OhhBetty Tue 13-Dec-16 07:47:26

Decent friends wouldn't go. That tells you all you need to know imo.

Giselaw Tue 13-Dec-16 07:50:54

They were his friends too but took your side due to his behaviour. You say the wedding isn't an issue for you. So why is it an issue for them, then? Maybe he invited them as he still thinks of them as friends and hopes to repair his past relationship with them. I understand he was a crap husband, but is he still a good parent? Can't he still be a good friend? He must have some redeeming features if you married him and had kids with him in the first place. You may not be able to see past the personal hurt he's caused but doesn't mean everyone else can't either.

CondensedMilkSarnies Tue 13-Dec-16 07:51:41

Being invited to the wedding is out of your friends' control , so I wouldn't get too worked up about the actual invite .

It's what the do with the invite that will be telling .

Are they going to accept ?

flamingnoravera Tue 13-Dec-16 07:53:57

I cut all friends who remained friends with my ex out of my life. It might seem harsh but I totally needed to know who I could trust and they had known about his affair and not told me and that was just too much.
Some of them live just three houses down the road from me and eight years on I still blank them in the street.
I have not missed them, I have made new, more loyal friends.
I totally understand your hurt.

SharkBastard Tue 13-Dec-16 07:57:32

Well he doesn't sound like a 'good friend' if he's willing to treat someone he was committed too so appallingly.

I couldn't maintain a friendship with someone who behaved in such a manor and have cut friends out who have treated others with such disdain

Aeroflotgirl Tue 13-Dec-16 07:57:42

If they are doing this, than they are two faced backstabbers, who you don't need in your life. Sorry that you are going through this.

Potentialmadcatlady Tue 13-Dec-16 07:59:00

Flaming..I agree...I lost most of my friendship group after my ex split up with me in horrible circumstances because they 'took' his side.. I walked away from them all.. It's amazing how many of them try to be nice to me now months later. I blank them all..

Oliversmumsarmy Tue 13-Dec-16 07:59:05

Don't think I could trust them with anything that I told them from now on.

If I were the bride to be I too would wonder what 2 best friends of the ex wife were doing at my wedding, regardless that they were once friends with my husband to be.
Friendships from my experience, in divorce get divided up like the assets

mrscarrotironfoundersson Tue 13-Dec-16 08:04:56

This man hurt you and broke your heart. You are choosing an amicable relationship because of your DC. I guess with adult DC or no DC you would have cut him dead.

They have no reason to have to have him in their life, give them the opportunity to say no before you say anything to them.

DrinkReprehensibly Tue 13-Dec-16 08:10:06

Almost the exact same thing happened to me 6 years ago. Might have seen them a handful of times since and said hi but ultimately, we are no longer friends.

YANBU

Bluntness100 Tue 13-Dec-16 08:13:12

To be honest, I find your post a bit contradictory, you say you personally have no issue with this marriage, I'm assuming your kids are going and you're happy about it as you say they love her, these people are friends to both of you, but you have an issue with them going? 🙄

If they think you've no issue with the wedding and they are friends to both they would go and not think it would hurt you, it would be churlish to refuse.

So I think you need to make up your mind, if you have an issue (which would be understandable) then say so. They aren't mind readers and if you tell them one thing, you can't then complain if they act like that's the case. In addition they are mutual friends remember.

InfiniteSheldon Tue 13-Dec-16 08:15:56

Sadly if they go it means they are his friends primarily not yours.

Footinmouthasusual Tue 13-Dec-16 08:22:19

Are these mutual friends trying to help you both make a fresh start as a couple and are going for that reason? You say you don't mind about the wedding his partner is good with your dcs so maybe they feel going will support the dcs?

Not excusing this op just trying to see it from their POV. Have they discussed the wedding invite with you? It surely must be worth a conversation if they are good friends and ask them.

Sneery Tue 13-Dec-16 08:23:14

What is the time frame. If everything has been outwardly civilised for a long while maybe they feel it's ok. They may not be taking sides but rather think they are are being impartial.

I think rather than just dropping them that it might be better to talk to them and let them know how you feel. They sound like they were good friends to you before.

It is ok to feel how you do though

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