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Dick moves your kids have made.

(370 Posts)
HardLightHologram Mon 12-Dec-16 17:45:30

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

Temporaryname137 Mon 12-Dec-16 17:47:10

Shat herself.

Waited until the chair had been stripped and washed and she had been stripped and washed to shit herself again, in the bath.

waited until she was in a clean baby grow to shit herself again.

She was only 14 months old but it still felt quite dick-move-ish at the time!

Footinmouthasusual Mon 12-Dec-16 17:47:34

My 15 year old ds tried to make a hot chocolate by boiling milk in the kettle!

He also propped up a dart board on his radiator and hit it with a dart causing a major leak. shock

Lilaclily Mon 12-Dec-16 17:48:01

Ds did the oft mentioned thing on here of covering his newborn baby sister with sudocrem when he was 2

BratFarrarsPony Mon 12-Dec-16 17:48:19

Do you want a list? grin
DS used to piss in the fireplace when he was 3.
that was relatively endearing compared to teen stuff involving my cars...

aquabluepool Mon 12-Dec-16 17:48:21

This is a nice thread hmm

HardLightHologram Mon 12-Dec-16 17:50:07

What is it with boys and pissing?

When ds1 was about five or six he pissed down the stairs, but tbf he was sleepwalking. Still a dick move though.

FedUpBird Mon 12-Dec-16 17:50:13

foot that made me laugh more than it should grindid the milk boil?

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Mon 12-Dec-16 17:50:34

When DS was about 3 he poured a can of coke zero into his fish tank.


Fish must've experienced some kind of caffeine high and associated frenzy because all of the ornaments were knocked over. Fish were obviously dead. The smell was indescribable. It appears coke reacts with fish.


He said that "the fish dropped dead and the coke did it". So, that explained that.

Cynara Mon 12-Dec-16 17:50:57

Woke up; undid his nappy; rummaged in it and removed a large turd; used said turd as a crayon on his bedsheets, sides of cot and own body before deciding he wasn't keen on it and shouting for assistance. He's 2. I was hoping that things will get better but your OP makes me think I was too optimistic.

BratFarrarsPony Mon 12-Dec-16 17:51:18

oh also, he found the empty bottles I had stored in the kitchen cupboard for recycling (lazy I know) and pissed in them and then replaced them in the cupboard...grin

Manumission Mon 12-Dec-16 17:51:29

YABU grin

MycatsaPirate Mon 12-Dec-16 17:51:34

Cut all her hair off on one side of her head on christmas morning. She was 5. It was beyond repair and took over a year to get it sorted into one length.
(she used those round plastic safety scissors that cut nothing - except hair)

Navigated the safety gate at 18 months old, put a wooden book in the microwave and shut the door. Unfortunately it was the old fashioned type which meant it just switched on and started cooking the heavily varnished book. The fire brigade had to be called.

HardLightHologram Mon 12-Dec-16 17:52:02

Milk in the kettle is the sort of thing I can imagine ds1 doing as well. It seems logical, until you actually think about it.

And mine have done the sudocreme thing, but on the carpet rather than each other.

They all perfected the art of shitting in a brand new nappy and baby grow.


BratFarrarsPony Mon 12-Dec-16 17:52:20

OK these are making me laugh....grin the joys of parenthood!

QueenOfTheFuckingWorld Mon 12-Dec-16 17:52:28

It is isn't it!
DS waited until I was dressed (nicely) to puke all over me.

Crowdblundering Mon 12-Dec-16 17:52:35

DS1 shat himself in the front room when he was 2 and baby DD1 crawled through it, played with it, squished it through her hands and hair and ate it.

DS1 and 2 burst into the bathroom where DD1 was having a bath and pissed in it.

DS1 had a party when we were away and unaware and someone managed to shag on the ironing board and break it.

DS1 and two ran around the roof from one velux window to the next - our house is 3 stories high - still makes me feel sick shock

toomuchtooold Mon 12-Dec-16 17:52:42

We went to a Christmas market on Friday and let our girls (4.5yo) pick a couple of baubles each for the tree. DT2, who is so clumsy I have seen her fall over while sitting on the floor, pleaded to be allowed to carry the cute little paper bag full of decorations. Two steps later she tripped over and fell on the bag. Crunch, tinkle. Luckily she wasn't cut and only one of the baubles was actually glass. Still though.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Mon 12-Dec-16 17:54:06

At 7 shat himself at Epcot.

At 12 had a paddy at school over not being picked for the football team and threw his glasses into a badger sett on the other side of the fence from the school.

In the summer, knocked a chip pan full of used oil all over the kitchen and used a towel to mop it up.

MycatsaPirate Mon 12-Dec-16 17:54:08

Completely not her fault but ... DD2 had a sickness bug. She was in her room sleeping, woke up, felt ill and decided to shout for me as she felt sick.

I arrived at the bottom of the stairs just in time for her to projectile vomit all down the stairs. She covered both walls, every stair, my hair, my pj's and my feet.

The clean up took forever.

Mulberry72 Mon 12-Dec-16 17:54:47

My DS(now10) pissed on the cat, twice.

Pooed on DH wallet that had fallen out of his coat pocket (it was sloppy)

Made the Sky remote disappear completely.

Covered the cat in Sudocrem, the list is endless!!

MycatsaPirate Mon 12-Dec-16 17:56:19

DVD player stopped working. Dismantled it and found 7 discs inside it. How it had kept working up to that point was beyond me. DD2 (again).

HardLightHologram Mon 12-Dec-16 17:59:05

shock and grin at all of these.

19lottie82 Mon 12-Dec-16 17:59:54

Ha ha at covering the cat in sudocreme...... I bet that was a delight to remove! grin

Missrubyring Mon 12-Dec-16 18:00:51

Not my children but me fgrin
I apparently covered the cat from head to toe in washing up bubbles, I honestly don't remember this but I have never been allowed to live it down.
I also got told that I used to stand at the top of the stairs and shout 'catch me' and jump down the stairs expecting to be caught, again I don't remember this, and I have never been allowed to live it down
...... I have a feeling I was a little shit fblush

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