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AIBU that it's unfair to stop giving my children but not the other grand children??

(202 Posts)
Mamabear101 Sat 10-Dec-16 10:36:38

My mil and fil decided to give all of their grandchildren a small sum of money each year a few years back. At that time my dh and I had no children together though he had 2 children from previous marriage. His brother also had 2 children. We have since had 3 children. Our children have never received the money in the way that the others have - ie monthly over term time. Instead they have been given the full sum in cash. But here's the thing - our third dc was born months ago and to date has had nothing from them at all - not as much as a pair of socks to welcome him to the world. And none of out children have received the cash that they usually get at all this year. My pil are very wealthy - 4 foreign holidays a year, 2 houses, 2 cars etc (both inherited a lot of money). My dh raised the issue of the children's cash with them a couple if days ago (just before their fifth foreign holiday this year). His mum told him they can't afford to give out children the money so they won't be getting it. The other 4 children will continue to receive theirs. Aibu to be furious about this? They're not back until 23 Dec and supposed to be coming to us for Xmas day but given how they're treating my kids I don't think I can stomach it....

orangepudding Sat 10-Dec-16 10:40:24

YABU to be furious but I can understand why you feel upset as the other children get money.
Really you need to stop expecting money from them and see all they do gove as a lovely gesture.

BratFarrarsPony Sat 10-Dec-16 10:41:44

People give, they dont give, they forget, they mean to do things and put it off...
Maybe what seemed like a good plan for X amount of grandchildren, seemed less good for Y amount..
You cannot 'expect' them to set up a direct debit can you?
Just welcome them as normal, they are grandparents, not a bank.

Trifleorbust Sat 10-Dec-16 10:42:07

YANBU. It isn't fair. But it is their money and they aren't obliged to give it away fairly, as hard as that must be for you to accept. It would definitely affect my regard for them, however.

Iloveswears Sat 10-Dec-16 10:46:35

Very odd of them. If it were me I would reduce the amount per child to enable me to spread it across all 7 gc.
But, it is their money, so up to them I suppose. I wouldn't dwell on it too much as it will make you appear grabby, but yes it would annoy me to if they were treating the children differently.

Mamabear101 Sat 10-Dec-16 10:47:00

Bratfarrerspony that's exactly the thing they did set up direct debits for the other grandkids but never for ours

AmberEars Sat 10-Dec-16 10:47:12

I'd feel sad about this too as I'd wonder why they feel differently about my DC than their other DGC. There's not much you can do about it though. You can't really cancel the Christmas visit for this reason!

EstelleRoberts Sat 10-Dec-16 10:47:46

I would feel very hurt in your shoes, that they were favouritising other grandchildren over my DC. Surely if money is tight they could have given a reduced but equal amount to all the DGC? No present at all for the baby from its grandparents is shocking.

How did they justify their decision? What is their explanation for working it this way?

grannytomine Sat 10-Dec-16 10:48:04

Well I suppose it is their money and they can do what they want with it. Like hell I'd be cooking them Christmas dinner or even making them a cup of tea. Let them go to the mothers' of the other 4 children if they want a free meal.

Do they think its fair because two of your husbands children are still getting? Is it something to get at you? If not I can't understand it, I have 4 grandchildren and there will soon be a fifth who will be a half sibling to two of the others, one family is very comfortably off, one family is doing fine and one has a tougher time. They all get the same in presents but I do help out more with the family that has less, childcare and such but that is partly logistics i.e. they live close enough for me to do school pick up etc.

SouthWindsWesterly Sat 10-Dec-16 10:49:11

I not surprised you're rethinking Christmas Day. It's not the cash, it's the principle of the matter. Says it's chocolate buttons. Every month all the other grandchildren get bag of chocolate buttons. But yours don't. It's not about the money, it's about the being treated differently.

SpotTheDuck Sat 10-Dec-16 10:49:19

I'd suggest leaving this to your DH as much as possible: how does he feel about it? What's his relationship like with his parents? In his shoes I'd want to ask them outright why they are favouring the four older grandchildren.

Trifleorbust Sat 10-Dec-16 10:49:40

Is there any backstory here in terms of the relationship between your in-laws and your family? Have they contributed significantly in other ways to your household (wedding/deposits)? They may feel that they are being fair because of some other factor. And to be fair, you don't sound massively like you like them very much...

LizzieMacQueen Sat 10-Dec-16 10:50:16

Maybe they decided it was fairer to your DH's brother to give to only the 4 first born. Were they happy about your relationship with your DH or is there a back story here?

quicklydecides Sat 10-Dec-16 10:52:05

I think it's a judgement
They give money to two issue of both their two children.
Bet you any money they think that having more than two children is unnecessary and they don't approve.
Either that or they don't like you.
But either way fuck that.
Be polite to them sure.
But cook them Christmas dinner?
No fucking way.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sat 10-Dec-16 10:52:28

My PILs play favourites. They have 4 DGS and 1 DGD. They have a clear favourite - one of the middle DGS, and then clear 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th favourites. It's so very odd.

It hasn't affected gifts in terms of money but in terms of how much time they want to spend with each of their grandchildren.

I just think it's their loss and try not to dwell on it too much. Me, my DH and my side of the family are providing DS with as much love and support as he could ever need, so they're really the ones who are missing out.

PragmaticWench Sat 10-Dec-16 10:54:51

Can you not take the money given and divide it between your five children?

JellyBelli Sat 10-Dec-16 10:55:07

I cant stand adults that play favourites like this. it isnt fair on the kids. I would cancel them visiting at Xmas.

Mamabear101 Sat 10-Dec-16 10:57:23

No explanation beyond they can't afford to give it to our three. We're very involved with them. Always have them over to the house to see the kids, for dinners etc. They never have us at theirs because we've been told their house isn't appropriate for grandchildren... They aren't hugely close with dh's brother and wife. So all visiting is done because of us organising it at our house. The issue isn't the money because it is a small sum (the other grandchildren always received double what ours got because they were older). But it's the fact that they are making a difference across the grandchildren that annoys me.

SheldonCRules Sat 10-Dec-16 11:00:22

If my adult children asked where the cash was for their five children they'd be getting nothing from me again. It's not down to grandparents to provide and straight out asking for cash is awful manners. As for saying they can't visit at Christ,as as they haven't handed over enough money shows that you see them as a cashpoint not grandparents and that's very likely coming across to them hence no more money.

Yes they should ideally treat all their children the same but it's their choice. Lots of parents don't treat their children equally so no different.

Maybe the other adult parent isn't as grabby and has a good relationship with them.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile Sat 10-Dec-16 11:06:53


It is divisive, cruel and hurtful. I would be furious!

ohtheholidays Sat 10-Dec-16 11:07:04

Bollocks to that they are all they're Grandchildren so they should all be treated the same!

What makes it even worse is that you say you and your DH are the one's that keep the relationship with them going yet they ignore your DC and give to your BIL's and Sil's DC.

I wouldn't be having them round for Christmas and I'd be letting them know now.

Mamabear101 Sat 10-Dec-16 11:07:52

Trifleorbust I've always got on ok with them. They're very different to my family in that they aren't close with either of their sons or the grandkids but I've always included them in everything that we have/do. They stay overnight on Xmas night etc. They have never given us anything money wise beyond this. At the time of our wedding they contributed nothing - and we didn't even get a wedding present from them Because they gave us a cheque that they somehow held on to after the wedding and then never gave us it back....! We've always been too embarrassed to say anything about it😳

shaggedthruahedgebackwards Sat 10-Dec-16 11:09:17

Perhaps when they set up the original payments they did it on the basis that they wrongly assumed that the 4 GC they had at that point were all they were likely to have? (i.e. They weren't expecting one of their sons to divorce, remarry and produce a further 3 DG)

Yes it's is unfair but life often is. They obviously didn't budget for 7 GC. No one's fault, just one of those things.

If your eldest 2 have been given cash then could you just split it between all 3?

Aeroflotgirl Sat 10-Dec-16 11:09:43

The thing is they are being treated differently to their other grandchildren and that is not fair. Your dh should have a quiet word with them about it.

Creampastry Sat 10-Dec-16 11:10:25

That would really pis me off.... do they make up for it with birthday and Christmas presents? cancel them coming for Christmas!

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