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To think the teacher shouldn't of said this

(45 Posts)
Standingonmytippytoes Wed 30-Nov-16 01:56:20

So I have an autistic son he goes to nursery and for the first few months in fact up until 2 weeks ago nursery asked that a parent was with ds while he was there because he was having melt downs and I just don't think the teacher wanted to deal with him.

That's not the issue the issue is that between my self and dp we managed to take him on one occasion ds's teacher commented to dp that she was glad it was him there that day because ds behaves much better for him.

AIBU to think that wasn't her place to say and although I'm the first to admit ds behaves better for his dad than me I like to think it's because he can relax more with me and let his true self out it was a little out of line for her to comment on it.

At that time ds's dad and I were breaking up he was using every little thing against me and although she wasn't to know this surely she should of kept that to herself.

I'm fully aware I could get flamed for this but I just wanted outside opinions at the time I was considering speaking to the principle.

Standingonmytippytoes Wed 30-Nov-16 02:16:42

Perhaps I am being a little sensitive reading my op. blush

mirokarikovo Wed 30-Nov-16 02:18:41

Sorry I think you are being over sensitive and unreasonable. She commented on a matter of fact - something that is true.

AnnieAnoniMouse Wed 30-Nov-16 02:32:18

It was an inappropriate comment for her to make.

I hope things are better for you now 💐

I think it was an inappropriate comment too.

lovealatte Wed 30-Nov-16 02:44:45

I think it's ok for the teacher to reflect on the fact that your ds behaves differently for one parent, if it's in an attempt to figure out what factors might contribute to his different behaviours. However she shouldn't have said she was "glad it was him" who was there that day. Remember though that if things are strained then your DP might be embellishing what was said.

sleepiya Wed 30-Nov-16 02:45:23

Def an inappropriate thing to say

GreatFuckability Wed 30-Nov-16 02:47:03

It very much depends on how she said it. It could have been a jokey comment that was throw away. If there was difficulty with your relationship he might have used the comment in a way far from how it was intended. Impossible to know without asking her.

myoriginal3 Wed 30-Nov-16 02:47:29

Horrible thing to say.

FestiveBiscuits Wed 30-Nov-16 03:12:00

Are you sure that is what she said, I assume it is your x who passed this on?

pregnantat50 Wed 30-Nov-16 03:39:13

your ex will have exaggerated or even invented what she said or the context it was said in. It sounds like something he dreamt up to throw at you don't let him get to you xxx

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 30-Nov-16 03:41:42

"on one occasion ds's teacher commented to dp that she was glad it was him there that day because ds behaves much better for him. "

Two points:

1. You also said "I'm the first to admit ds behaves better for his dad than me " so this teacher had observed your son's behaviour correctly.

2. Given that "At that time ds's dad and I were breaking up he was using every little thing against me" , is it possible that he has twisted it somewhat? As in, he asked her a direct question 'does his behaviour differ depending on which of us is here with him?' and she responded 'he seems calmer when you are here'.? None of the 'glad it's you here today', that's his little twist of the knife to upset you as much as he can?

Trifleorbust Wed 30-Nov-16 06:43:42

Yeah, did he tell you she said that or did she tell you she said that? Consider the source.

hesterton Wed 30-Nov-16 06:50:20

Why not ask the teacher, ' My ex husband took great joy in telling me how you told him ds was so much better for him than me. Could you perhaps give me some tips as to what you feel made it so much better?'

That way you can find out if it is true and alert her to the fact that when she says this sort oF stuff (if she did), it's used against you.

hesterton Wed 30-Nov-16 06:51:00

And it may even support you to support your ds?
Anyway it does sound unfair what she said.

NoSunNoMoon Wed 30-Nov-16 07:24:40

He's your ex, I wouldn't believe a word he says.

APlaceOnTheCouch Wed 30-Nov-16 07:31:02

She shouldn't have said it but she probably didn't. Your ex could have manipulated the conversation or misrepresented it to you.

differentnameforthis Wed 30-Nov-16 07:39:45

If the teacher knew you were in the middle of a split, it is hugely inappropriate.

burgundyandgoldleaves Wed 30-Nov-16 07:42:57

Your strike through is correct, I would guess smile

My children are naughtier for me. It's normal.

rollonthesummer Wed 30-Nov-16 07:45:07

-a*She shouldn't have said it but she probably didn't. Your ex could have manipulated the conversation or misrepresented it to you.*

This.

Though you've admitted it's completely true-so I really wouldn't think too much about it. I doubt it happened like he's telling you it did!

AnUtterIdiot Wed 30-Nov-16 07:51:31

I don't think that the point is whether or not it was true that DS behaved better for the partner. There are some things you don't comment on as an outsider to a family, even if they are true, because you have no idea what wasp's nest you might be kicking when you do. "He's behaving better today" would have been ok.

rollonthesummer Wed 30-Nov-16 07:53:11

The point is whether the teacher actually said this or not.

Lweji Wed 30-Nov-16 08:02:01

I don't think she should have said anything, but, as a matter of principle, I wouldn't have said anything to the principal about it, unless she kept saying it.
She was probably just thinking out loud, and she wouldn't have known about your problems. It was just a statement, probably by a tired person.
Do let it go.

ilovesooty Wed 30-Nov-16 08:23:23

I think it's highly unlikely that she actually said that.

Ditsy4 Wed 30-Nov-16 08:26:06

It was unprofessional of her.
I'm more concerned for you that you are hanging onto this comment when by your admittance it happened a while ago. I do this and I know it isn't healthy to dwell on things/ comments others say so try to let it go. It is hard work looking after an autistic child( I have worked with them for years) and I would like it if you had some support so do seek some through your GP if you think you might have signs of depression starting. I mean this kindly. The winter can affect our moods and you have a break up and an autistic child to deal with as well. If dad is slinging mud as well take care of yourself sooner rather than later.
I have witnessed and supported mums before. Dads often seem to find it harder to accept their child's difficulties more than mums especially if it is a first child. Autistic children find nursery and school hard to cope with as the routines are different and can change. It often improves with time. If it is a LA nursery in school make sure your child's paperwork is started with the SENCO as he then may be offered support in Reception. It doesn't always follow that autistic children receive help. We had one child we tried and tried for but he didn't receive any extra support just the bit that school could afford to put in.

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