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to really consider leaving him

(13 Posts)
mynachos Tue 29-Nov-16 23:48:47

My dp and I are at complete loggerheads regarding having child no:2. back story here...... we got "caught" with our first ds. I had health problems and was taking alot of medication along with my pill and baby was conceived. I was never interested in having children and struggled with my first few months of pregancy. I got over it, had a fairly easy going pregancy and now love being a mum (most of the time!). roll on three years later. ds is about to start nursery and im feeling soooo broody. Im 38 so times a ticking. AIBU to seriously consider leaving fiance...... we have our ups and downs.....esp the first year of being parents...... looking back maybe i had some depression did not go and get treated. dp has told me he doesnt think i am in the right frame of mind to have another....this bothers me as it feels like hes questioning my MH. I do admit to being crabby occassionally. I blame work which is pretty awful at the minute and the fact I live in another country to all my family. I admit to my off days. whether apparently he has none. hmm I really belive I am ready to become a mother again and I feel our fs would benifit from a sibling...... is his refusal enough of a reason for me to end the relationship?

Bringbackpublicfloggings Wed 30-Nov-16 07:16:54

I left my ex dp because he flat refused to even consider having a child, even though at the start of the relationship he wanted kids. I thought life is too short as it is without a woman's bodyclock to consider...it depends on how badly you want another baby..good luck.

c3pu Wed 30-Nov-16 09:14:36

If you're 38, how quickly do you think you can extricate yourself from your DP, find a suitable one who definitely wants a baby, get to know him well enough to have him father a child with you, and then actually produce a baby?

You may well find that ending it with DP leaves you no better off.

sofato5miles Wed 30-Nov-16 09:16:59

But c3pu, think of the resentment..

londonrach Wed 30-Nov-16 09:21:19

Ecco what c3pu says and i take it new partner will be around 38 so might have children already and therefore might not want another. Question is do you love him and see yourself with him in 20 plus years. Is the baby problem a deal breaker. If its a deal breaker you know your answer. Only you know the answer to this.

Unwrapped Wed 30-Nov-16 09:23:41

I agree with C3. Think about the timeframes, do you think you'll find a new partner (who wants children) straight away? Wouldn't you want time to get to know him before TTC?

I think it should be a joint decision to have another baby. You both need to be on board.

c3pu Wed 30-Nov-16 09:30:36

But c3pu, think of the resentment..

Of course, it's a delicate procedure to weigh up whether it would be easier (or even possible) to get over the resentment, or easier (or even possible) to have another baby with someone else, or whatever else may happen.

Just giving food for thought!

Colby43443 Wed 30-Nov-16 09:38:08

Both of you need to open up communication and look at this as unemotionally as you can. You admitted to problems with your first - he's probably scared it'll happen again. Without knowing what it is, I can only say you might find it a good idea to reassure him that it won't happen again. However if you had pnd or severe preclamsia etc etc there's a strong chance it may happen again so you would then need to look long and hard about your need for a second child because it's likely to impact the first.

pinkdelight Wed 30-Nov-16 09:45:10

It's hard to say. He knows you better than we do. Do you think he's worried about your MH for anything other reason than genuine concern? This stands out to me:

"looking back maybe i had some depression did not go and get treated. dp has told me he doesnt think i am in the right frame of mind to have another....this bothers me as it feels like hes questioning my MH."

Why does it bother you that he's questioning your MH? You believe you may have had MH issues previously that didn't get treated. Isn't this why he might be concerned about you now? Have you been to see a GP at all? It's so hard to know from your post whether it is crabbiness and off days or more. People do come on here and consider leaving their DP as they can't reconcile their wish to have another DC with their DP's refusal, but often the arguments are laid out more rationally where as this seems very fired up - complete loggerheads etc - and as PPs have said, leaving him is not really a solution to getting what you want. There seems to be other issues too, around work and where you live. As I say it's very hard to advise on such a big thing from such a small impression, but if you love him and have a DC together and have been planning to marry, then I wouldn't end it in a heated way. YWNBU to consider leaving but you should really, really consider it. Have you tried counselling yet?

As for resentment, if you end the relationship, there'll be plenty of that on all sides, including your DC's.

pinkdelight Wed 30-Nov-16 09:48:03

(which isn't a reason to never end a relationship, just another vote for hard consideration over emotionally-driven arguments)

SuperFlyHigh Wed 30-Nov-16 10:00:09

Open up your communication channels. Why throw away your relationship when if you spoke to each other or went to Relate you could iron out some of the problems? To my mind anyway.

Wifflewaffles Wed 30-Nov-16 10:13:11

If you did leave him and want to have another baby, you could always use a sperm doner. It would eliminate the whole 'getting to know someone else before it's too late' situation.

Fluffsnuts Wed 30-Nov-16 10:17:34

If you left him would you have another baby alone, sperm donor type thing? Is the resentment at not having another going to eat away at your relationship if you do stay?

I can understand where you are coming from. I am adamant I don't want more children, where as DH does. I've suggested he leaves me as I am not going to provide what he wants, he doesn't want to leave me but keeps raising the issue, resulting in regular arguments, which is slowly destroying our relationship anyway. One of you needs to change your stance, and only you know if that's possible.

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