Worried about effects of new man on DC(84 Posts)
Bit of background so as not to drip feed, regular mner who's changed un
Please read I know it's an essay! But I really need some help! I'm building this worry up daily and it's starting to get too much!!
My DC is 5 and we have a really good relationship, although me and the father split up when DC was only a few weeks old he sees his father regularly and currently for the last few months because ex hours have reduced at work we are basically parenting 50/50. I could say a lot of things about exes character and morals regarding relationships, but he was and is a v good father and although i hate being away from DC and wish I could be with him constantly I'm sure he does too so even though I hate it it's fair.
So that's the first sort of niggle I have in my brain telling me I'm not a good mum because I'm not with him more and I miss him and I know he misses me.
But the main thing is I have recently reconnected and moved an old frame in, we have known each other years and he definitely is the love of my life
He gets on with my DC well although he is a
slight man child and I know deep down he would prefer it if I was directing all my attention to him 24/7. My DC gets on with him although they are either playing and running around together or not communicating at all, new partner has commented on DC being 'naughty' before. He isn't he's a typical kid who pushes things and test boundaries and when I've questioned partner about this he has said he thinks that of all kids really and he doesn't mean bad by saying it just that all kids push boundaries etc. Fair enough, I put this down to him having no experience with kids himself.
After that essay my worry and the point of the thread is, I worry that now as well as only seeing child 50/50 I have also introduced this new person into our lives who has impacted yet again on DC and will he feel pushed out or replaced etc and he's just started schools so our time together has taken many knocks recently!
When DC is their he has my attention until he's in bed, partner potters about doing his thing and plays sometimes, does his work others etc. But little things have changed, for example now and again DC would wake in night and get in my bed, he can't do that now as theirs no room.
What If he feels weird about someone else being in the house, This new person and he doesn't understand? I ask him and he says he likes new partner but I know he's not really bothered by him, like if he disappeared tomorrow DC wouldn't be too bothered
Sorry for the essay I'd really love other people's experiences on this, I'm so worried this will have a negative effect on DC I feel like giving up and just being single forever so it's just me and him!!
okay - how recently is 'recently reconnected and move in' ?
If he's a man child why bother?
I'm sorry I thought this was somewhere people could come and share experiences and worries and help each other?
If this thread upsets you or bores you, please feel free to not comment
You don't sound sure about this and if you're not sure then you shouldn't do it (when DC involved)
Get the guy out til you're sure you and DC are ready.
You don't have to 'give up and be single', but you don't have to move in your man-child either. He doesn't have to live there. He can be a boyfriend you see and date, whilst your son's home remains his own, safe home. With a bed he can climb into if you want him to, and where he won't be called 'naughty' if he isn't being, with someone who 'would prefer it if the attention were all on him'.
If he was 'the love of your life' then why is he 'an old flame'? You broke up once...
gosh just a slight over reaction there! there have been a few identikit
daily mail bait threads in the past week - I was just pointing it out
anyway -how recently is 'recently reconnected and move in' ?
If he's a man child why bother?
Surely you considered all of this before moving the new partner in? What reasons did you tell yourself at the time that this would be a good idea? Are they still valid now?
How long have you been together?
I think it was unreasonable you've just moved this guy in so quickly. Yes, he was a part of YOUR life for a long time previously and you wanted a serious relationship from the off, but his introduction to your child should have been much, much slower.
Short meetings in familiar places for DC where he has fun and happy times, to associate the new person with those types of positive feelings. Slowly work up the frequency and duration, then he starts making brief visits to the house, that in time become more frequent and for longer visits. Then he stays overnight sometimes, working up to full weekends overnight, and EVENTUALLY moving in.
You acted selfishly in your own interests, not that of your son.
How long have you been together before you moved him in?
I'm interested in this as I am in an 8 month relationship and also have a 5 year old. In my opinion it would be waaaaay too soon to live together in my case, though I am fairly sure this is the man I would like all that with in he (distant) future.
Why did you ask him to move in before you were sure that he and your child had a good relationship?
If you are really so worried about your child why would you move someone into the house with whom you have only recently reconnected? Would the more appropriate course of action not have been to slowly introduce this man into your life and your DC's?
How long was it between you "reconnecting" with this man and moving him into your home? Do ypu feel that ypur DC has had enough time to get to know him and feel comfortable with him before he became a permanent fixture? Do you feel that your partner is committed to a future with you and your DC? If you could answer these questions it might be easier to advise.
I think the point here is that there seem to be quite a few of these threads lately where an OP has moved in a partner first and only then stopped to think of the consequences.
In an ideal world you wouldn't move another man into your child's home until you've been seeing each other for at least a year, although you will have introduced them before that to gage how the relationship develops between them.
Clearly this man isn't the love of your life if A, he's an ex, and B, if you're already having doubts about the impact he's having on your child.
You don't have to be living together to be in a relationship, and you have the rest of your lives together, whereas your DS will only be little for a short time.
If you're unsure then it's simple, get him out until you're really ready to live together, and until you know how the relationship will develop between him and your DS.
Also, regardless how much you love this man, your child has to come first. If he's going to call your child naughty when he's done nothing bad but your partner simply dislikes what he was doing/children in general, and want's your attention 24/7 he's going to have jealous behaviour toward your son, and your son should ALWAYS come first. He honestly doesn't sound very child compatible, i wouldn't be surprised if tensions happen in the relationship because its your child not his, and he would prefer your old relationship back when you were child free. Be prepared it may end up not working out because he may just not be able to "accept" you have a child now and the fantasy of rekindling the relationship wears off and he's not willing to live with the reality.
Don't you think it would have been better to have thought of all this before you moved your new boyfriend in?
He's not a massive man child that was a bit light hearted really I should have realised it would have been taken maybe too serious
We were childhood sweethearts, we went our separate ways for uni etc and have reconnected.
I see your point re not living together but then I think, that's the normal family dynamic isn't it, that's what millions of people in the world do and if me and father were still together I wouldn't kick him out so our DC could fit in our bed?
Just to clarify a few things, I am definitely sure of relationship, we have been dating now for about a year, he has been moved in a month or so. He's a decent hardworking guy who at times can be slightly manchildy but only in so much as most men (and women) can be sometimes! His comment about him being naughty may have been taken out of context, he had done something 'naughty' and Partner said so after even not in front of DC and I said it's not really naughty he's just a kid and we talked about how I don't like the word naughty and partner explained he just meant he'd pushed boundaries and it wasn't really a critisism etc
I'm not trying to minimise or ignore comments, I'm very grateful for them, it's just sometimes I'm not very good at getting things across right and I want to make sure what I've said is clear so I can get the right advice and people understand
Sorry OP but the manchild bit would be enough to make me say goodbye. Anyway, I think that you think it is all too soon, and I think you might be right.
But little things have changed, for example now and again DC would wake in night and get in my bed, he can't do that now as theirs no room.
Since the day my SF moved in I never, ever was able to get into my dm's bed again. Without wanting to sound melodramatic this actually had a really big impact on me (although my DM does not know this) and as a result I always prioritise the dc in my bed over my dh (who is their dad)
YANBU to feel this way OP, it is early days and you are already having niggles. On a side note how could you be madly in love with a manchild?
Well your new post completely contradicts what came across from your first post.
First post made it sound like you got back in touch just a number of weeks/a month or two ago and he moved in virtually right away.
If the reality is you dated for a year and he moved in a month ago that's completely different.
How long have you been back with him?
Why are you living together? It would probably be nicer for your ds if you spent your free time with the bf and cut down on the time you spend with him when your son is there.
Personally I don't plan to introduce any partner to my ds for a long time let alone let a man move in. It's my ds's home as much as mine. Especially a jealous man child
We've been together a year and I've known him about 15 years it's not a spur of the moment thing
He does get on with my child, I did think about this before I moved him in, I even asked my DC 'would you like it if X lived here with us? Or not?' I told partner quite frankly if DC didn't seem keen we would wait, he seemed keen
I guess what I meant rather than partner being a problem is that now he's moved in and all is settled I'm missing time with DC just me and him, but really I did think people would say this was normal and it's just a settling in period etc
You say it's the normal family dynamic but he's not your son's dad is he?
Having said that, a year isn't a flash in the pan. It's probably fine. Assume you spent time together as a family before he moved in?
And just to clarify too when DC is with us I am 100% focused on him, it's me and him and partner dips in and out doing his thing or playing and interacting with us, it's just different not because I'm ignoring him obviously but because there's someone else there, which changes the dynamic
Sorry if original post was not clear, I tried to be specific but like I say I'm not always good at getting my point across right sometimes as I'm not very articulate!
If your new DP is as nice as he sounds in your update, can you not just explain to him that you would like some time just you and DS? I don't think it's so difficult to understand that you would miss one on one time. How likely is the 50:50 arrangement likely to continue with DS's dad?
Hmm, you're obviously asking for a reason, something is causing your concern. The fact he'd rather he got all your attention is disturbing, it sounds like he tolerates your child rwther than sees himself becoming effectively a step father.
A year isn't too long with a child, so how close were the new boyfriend and uour som before you decided to move him in, did you all spend a lot of time together in a family type way?
I think that the problem is that your last post seems to backtrack on a few things that you said in your first. You must be worried about those things to have posted them in the first place, but maybe now you're seeing people take them seriously and agree that yes, they are a problem, you want to distance yourself from them a bit? It's understandable if that's the case, but for your child's sake you need to be honest with yourself and if your partner is destabilising your DC's security in their own home, you really do need to make a choice to prioritise your child.
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