Disciplining my child(44 Posts)
Dc is very well behaved at times but starting to really push me to my limits atm.
I posted a thread on here last week about how exhausted i am and im trying my best to be a good mother and bring up my dc to be a decent human being.
I came home at 7pm tonight (which is late for me and dc to stay out, usually settled in pjs by then) i'd been to a gym class which im pushing myself to do partly because i need something just for me and partly because i battle with depression.
I was very tired the class really took the wind out of me so when i picked up dc from mothers i said we were heading straight home which was met with moaning and nearly crying. I feel bad because i know dc enjoys it there (theres a houseful/ big family) and i know boredom sets in when its just the 2 of us.
Anyhow i managed to convince dc we needed to be home so that we werent late for school in the morning. As soon as we got through the door i put tv on lights on heating on making dc has thier needs met first, then i went upstairs sorting out uniforms for both us for tomorrow and dealing with 2 beautiful smashed ornaments in my bedroom, which the cat had clearly broken, so i was upstairs sadly putting the broken pieces in the bin and i could hear water, i shouted why is there water running? Then it stopped.
I went downstairs only to find dc had thrown water all over my kitchen ( playing with cat) and a smashed egg in the sink!! I know dc likes to play with water but i am fed up. Im exhausted and really trying to tie up all loose ends so that we arent late in the morning and i was preparing to go to bed and read some books/ get some cuddles and relax.
I shouted at dc to go to thier room and take thier dirty/soaked clothes and put in washing basket while thier at it, i just kept asking why have you done this go to your room this is rediculous, more mess to clean up yet again. So dc shouted in my face that i was a shit! I'm appalled. I tried to set dc bedroom up, lights on tv on and i just got a mouthful of cheek( im not listening to you/ i dont care etc) then just screaming loudly. I phoned dc dad, i asked him to keep dc for the night, i feel like a failure but im at the end of my tether and now i feel bad i just dont know what to do for the best in these situations, if I'd kept dc here no doubt there would me more cheek and more( over the top) screaming, do u think ive done the right thing sending dc to dads for the night so we can both cool off? Wwud?
And the reason dc said they'd done that is boredom!
How old is DC?
Sounds like a hard evening. I'm glad you've got some space now.
how old is your child?
if the child has been at someone else's house until 7pm, might he/she have just wanted your attention, rather than the TV? i know it is hard when you are very tired and so is your child, but maybe having a story or game together would be good? uniforms can surely wait until the child is in bed.
I'd have sent him to bed no tv etc just get in bed and sleep, and no treats etc tomorrow for speaking to you that way!
I'm perplexed why you needed to 'manage to convince DC to leave' - if you say you are leaving that should be it, there shouldn't be any sort of debate about it. Say no, and mean it. I'm guessing they don't take you seriously so are playing you up. Have you tried putting on the pretend angry voice before you are actually angry - far more effective than snapping.
Easy to say, less easy to do - I know...
I think age makes a huge difference here, as poor impulse control in a tired young child is fairly par for the course and you could make both of your lives easier by recalibrating your expectations.
With the cold detached eyes of someone outside the situation (having made my own share of cock ups today!) - my eyebrows went up a bit when you said you "convinced" DC that you needed to go home - I am a gentle hippy parent in lots of ways but things like that, I don't convince, I say it's happening and it happens.
Ungrateful DC making a mess when you're knackered and you've already seen to their comforts first - again, depends a bit on age but I think your expectations are likely to be unreasonable here. I recognise this very clearly - any number of times I've thought "you ungrateful little shit, have you any idea how hard I'm working for you? You think I wanted to come home and do X y z before even taking my coat off?" etc, but once I've calmed down I realise I am expecting the sort of recognition an adult might manage...
Right thing to send DC away? Tricky. I think there's huge value in having space to calm down, for both of you. Equally, being honest, I do wonder if that feels like a total rejection to your child - and what that feels like: a good shock, to let them know they've gone too far this time? Or something very hurtful that causes problems in your relationship? Again, depends on child's age, depends also whether this is exceptional or if there are bigger things going on here. Fwiw I have definitely had occasions when sending DS to someone else would have been a better option for both of us. The intensity when it's just the two of you is v hard, especially when everyone is tired.
Look after yourself, too; you can't look after DC if you don't, and DC can't look after you either.
attention is attention to children if they cannot get it one way they will find another.
Why not try the tactic of "I can't wait to get home we can get into out pajamas and cuddle up I've missed you today"
I think the trick is to be a little firmer at an early stage so you don't have to end up losing your shit later. Ime anger and overreactions are often the result of having allowed them to run you ragged first. Better to step in and insist on having your needs met before you get to the stage where you can't even have her in the house. You shouldn't feel guilty about telling your dc that you have to go home or making her do as she is told. She should get used to the idea (at times when you are both calm) that she does as she is told without needing convincing.
Thats what i was worried abt, wether sending dc away to dads was doing more harm than good, we have a very loving relationship and i was hearbroken watching dc walking away with dad.
Ive just spoken to my ex about it at length and we've hit on a few things, firstly dc has far too many sweet things so those are getting banned and left as a treat ,for a sunday only from now on, also we've came to the conclusion that dc is really trying to push my buttons atm acting up (attention-maybe ).
When i take dc to my mothers which isnt as often these days, my mother will sometimes counteract what i say ie; come on time to go home , dc: no please can we stay longer? Mother: arh just stay a bit longer you know dc likes it here bla bla bla.
Ive had words with my mother over it before its totally exhausting.
Dc is 6, i was only upstairs 10 mins trying to make sure we were all set up for the night/ morning dc was not sat in front of tv all night, and i was in dc room looking for books to read together when we got up to bed .
There will have to be some changes dc is very very active and i do feel its boring for dc, any advice would be greatly appreciated x
DC was cross at you, in part, because you'd been away. This doesn't mean it's ok. have you tried just sitting down for 10 mins with DC and having a cuddle and a chat? It's very tempting when you're knackered to focus on the tasks that need to be done (and stand in the way of you getting to your needs). i've found that stopping for just a few minutes to give DC some proper attention and to connect with them and say how much i love them, can prevent quite a lot of naughtiness. but sometimes, they just push the boundaries and you have to be calm and make sure that you've consistent with the consequences of their behaviour. Easier said than done but sometimes you just have admit you've had a crap day and try again tomorrow.
I agree with the other post that you shouldn't have to convince your DC to leave your mum's house. you're the boss and it's not a matter for discussion.
I also agree with Nell that sending DC away might be seen as rejection by DC.
Depending on how old DC is, I would try giving DC more responsibility. I would have made DC help me tidy up the mess/got DC to do it themselves. They made the mess, they should tidy it up (if they're capable). I would also have a particular punishment for being rude to you. if you let it go once, it will keep happening and it's just not on. swearing is another matter but i would insist that respecting you is a line in the sand. you deserve that. there will probably resistance but you have to stand your ground. no-one should talk to you like that. I think my mum would do the same and she managed to raise 3 gobby boys (and me) and we would never, ever had even given her back-chat, let alone sworn at her! and they all adore her.
good luck. everyone is a crappy parent from time to time: don't add beating yourself up to the list of things you have to deal with!
I think it all stems from you being in a bad place and not giving your full attention when he needs it. He's picking up on your feelings.
I would try and make life as easy as possible. So ask your mum to get him changed/showered at hers. Tell your DC what you have planned (hot chocolate, chapter of a book). Have the snacks and tomorrow's clothes already set out before you return. Concentrate 100% on him. Get him onside and be empathic. He sounds sensitive and like he really needs you present.
Dealing with broken ornaments and setting out clothes is not quality attention in his eyes.
Maybe your mum (or you) could set a timer so that he has a count down to leaving. Leave when buzzer goes off.
As soon as i picked dc up from school i put tea on to cook and low and behold doesnt like that anymore, i ask put your pens away please, cant be bothered and just gazing at them. Dc did eventually put pens away but why the battles
Dc is sensitive, and did say tonight im going to miss you when your at the gym
[As soon as i picked dc up from school i put tea on to cook and low and behold doesnt like that anymore, i ask put your pens away please, cant be bothered and just gazing at them. Dc did eventually put pens away but why the battles]
Your recent update seems to be at odds with your OP. So did you pick dc up from your mums at 7pm or did you pick him up from school?
Thanks for the advice etc ill need a better plan of action than this constant tidying and cleaning, i need to be more involved with dc, i know i am distant i have had a terrible year im just getting back on track now, well trying but i think i need to get out more with dc or just leave the mess for one night, make life a little more fun.
Possibly it could just be tiredness. Refusing to put pens away. I would ask him to do it to help you as you've helped him by cooking a meal. I would expect him to do as asked but get him on board rather then go head to head.
I just wouldn't discuss the meal at all. He eats or he doesn't. That's his choice and there's no alternative. Better chat about his day or tell him some funny story from your work. You're not prepared to make meal times into an argument. Tell him something quirky about your day.
Do you hold him in good regard OP? Because he will sense if you do or not. He has to feel valued to feel good.
I picked up dc from school, sat and had our tea, dropped dc at mothers for an hour when the time came for me to go to gym class and picked dc back up again and straight home to get sorted
We've all been there OP but the most important thing is that you've realised there's a problem and you're reflecting on how things can be improved. It might even be worth having a heart to heart and asking him how you can both make things better. Explaining that you love him dearly and you want to create more fun and for you both to get on better
I tell my dc all the time that they are loved and mean the world to me, dc co-sleeps also and says scared to sleep in own bed alone, thats why its not just a case of right, up to bed this is your punishment dc is scared of being alone and although i try to instill some independance dc just will npt be moved with the co-sleeping, plus i like dc there too
There is no tv in my bedroom, we come up early, we read books, we chat about the day etc.
Im going to have a talk in the morning try to put things right, i didnt want dc to sleeps at dads tonight but i was so angry and i didnt know what to do for the best
You are clearly trying hard to be a good mum and it's great you have your mums support and good you get some time to go to the gym to help with depression, that's really positive.
But remember dc is only six. That's little enough to need clear routines and boundaries, and late nights will add stress. You're not wrong to say calling you shit is unacceptable but sending dc away is sending a very harsh message, albeit one maybe necessary for your own wellbeing tonight.
I would take time tomorrow to talk through what happened and what you expect. Time to quietly set up and explain why it is important to use certain rules. Including language. Also it sounds as though dc has tv in bedroom. I'd avoid that at all costs!
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