AIBU to blackmail my dad into sorting his own latest catastrophic mess out?

(22 Posts)
PaulDacresButtPlug Tue 29-Nov-16 12:24:07

I am so angry and I am struggling to be sensible so if nothing else this thread will help me vent.

This is my previous thread on the matter but, in short, dad is in Thailand and his mother is dying of cancer. She is hanging on as she has been told, by him, he is coming back. She is in pain, but the thought of him coming back is keeping her going. She said once she has seen him she will 'let go'.

Thing is, he's not coming. He ran off to Thailand after running up massive debts and, I have now discovered, done the same thing there. He has also been unable to renew his UK passport, and therefore has no Thai visa either. He has not had one 'for years.' Basically, due to his own cock ups, he is stuck there. Meanwhile he is spinning his mother lies about his imminent return, and presumably hoping she will drop dead in the interim.

Me and his brother didn't grass him up when he was pretending to be seriously ill (his mother sent money for medical treatment) despite me wanting to. Instead his brother pretended he was sending cash instead so she didn't waste any more. Admittedly it would have been a hard thing to tell her, and I am not convinced she would have even listened but IF she had indeed gone to put her house on the market so access more 'medical money' we would have had no choice.

He has also left things in tatters here when he first ran off - he owes a lot of people a lot of money, including the Inland Revenue. I have not told anyone where he lives, despite being tempted! I instead did nothing. Not out of loyalty, more out of not wanting to get involved or be closely associated.

However, I don't want to sort this latest crap out, I want him to tell her himself. He can water down the reasons, but he has to tell her he can't come. Not me, not his brother. But he won't, I know he won't.

Unless I threaten to report him to the Immigration on the island if he doesn't...? A prison sentence and the prospect of a large fine - that might make him spring into action...?

Note3 Tue 29-Nov-16 12:35:20

You sound like you've been put in a horrendous situation by your father. Having recently experienced bereavement within my family with our own issues I would urge you to consider trying to let your grandmother allow herself to be at peace without learning your dad is a monumental letdown at the end of her life. If there is a way that you could perhaps tell her that he has screwed up with passports and cannot physically get to her in time then I think that's the best you can do. Perhaps then you can get him to speak to her via Skype? He may feel more inclined if he doesn't have to explain himself (sounds like he's a runner when he's screwed up and doesn't want to face the music so to respect your grandmother you could enlighten her to his absence in a kind way).

I would definately be inclined to tell him to Skype her or make some form of contact with a threat to grass him up if he doesn't. Others will probably have a differing opinion on this but I think he owes his mum that at least so she can die feeling she's said goodbye

RedHelenB Tue 29-Nov-16 12:39:17

Your Gran is the important one in all this. I would keep as close to the truth as possible and say there is a prob;em with his passport and ask him to please at least ring her. Then hopefully she can "let go" and be in peaceAfter that I might be tempted to grass him up though!

CotswoldStrife Tue 29-Nov-16 12:39:41

I can see your dilemma, but if you threaten him he is likely to go into hiding and then his mother won't know what is happening. At least you can contact him at the moment.

I would push for skype if you have it. Unfortunately, your father isn't going to change. It is a horrible situation for you all flowers

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Tue 29-Nov-16 12:40:04

Im sorry you're facing this. Honestly, I wouldn't threaten him. From what you've said, he's unlikely to tell the truth regardless of what you say or threaten. More likely, he'll turn it around so that you're the one at fault for him being unable to come home.

Personally I'd say nothing to your grandmother and just try to make the most of your time left together.

PaulDacresButtPlug Tue 29-Nov-16 12:40:28

I agree. he doesn't have to tell her exactly what has really happened, but he needs to be the one who tells us something. However, unless he has no choice, he is unlikely to tell her anything!

Note3 Tue 29-Nov-16 12:44:30

Problem is, in my experience people like him duck and dive to avoid situations just like this. If your grandmother is coping without his presence then perhaps just carry on as you are but if she is getting upset then I personally would break the news to her.

StefCWS Tue 29-Nov-16 12:44:55

For your grans sake tell her there is an issue with the passport and that he wont be coming back, he sounds like a let down that wont change. What about Skype so at least she can see him? Sad situation :-(

Liiinoo Tue 29-Nov-16 12:47:59

This sounds awful. I think the most important person here is your granny, I would persist with the fiction that he will be back 'soon' to try and spare her feelings. She probably knows deep down what he is like (she did raise him after all), but if it is a comfort to her to pretend that he is too busy/hardworking/ unwell to travel let her go with it.

I also feel sorry for you, you are in the process losing your granny and have effectively 'lost' your dad as a loving supportive presence in your life.

I think trying to force your dad to do the right thing by your granny would be a colossal waste of time, effort and emotion at a time when you should be concentrating on her and you. Allow her to die as peacefully as possible and leave your dad to his own devices.

Benedikte2 Tue 29-Nov-16 12:51:41

Try to get him to Skype her. It's up to him what he tells her but it will bring comfort to her to see and speak to him. This may be sufficient for her to let go if her time is up. Don't disillusion her. Will be a bitter pill if she leaves money to him but I think you'll find his creditors in the UK will want the money anyway.
Sounds as if he is selfish/narcissitic so not to be depended upon to put her first anyway if it means his creditors will get him. How do they treat debtors in Thailand? Can he get a passport from his country of origin?
Good luck

Stillunexpected Tue 29-Nov-16 12:52:45

I am confused, on your other thread also from today it sounds as if you don't know if he has even read the emails you have sent. How have you subsequently found all this information about his passport, visas etc. Is he still emailing his mother? But presumably not with the truth?

notagiraffe Tue 29-Nov-16 12:56:52

Yes, encourage him to Skype and explain there's a passport problem and he can't leave the country.

He sounds hard work. Poor you and your gran.

aginghippy Tue 29-Nov-16 12:57:09

Sorry you are facing this flowers

You can't control your father's behaviour. YANBU for wanting him to tell her that he is not coming, but as his past behaviour shows, he thinks only of himself. If you threaten him, it will turn you into the baddie and even then he probably won't tell her. If he is arrested and imprisoned in Thailand, he won't be able to tell her.

Focus on your gran and what you can do for her to make her last days as bearable as possible.

GiddyOnZackHunt Tue 29-Nov-16 12:58:17

Very difficult for you.
It doesn't sound like you can do anything to get him to face up to his responsibilities. He's just not going to do the difficult thing of admitting he won't and can't come home.
Would you consider forging an email that you print out with some explanation for his mother? Just to give her some comfort?

Lorelei76 Tue 29-Nov-16 12:59:02

I remember the original thread
I'm sorry but you really need to cut ties
If your grandma can cope with the truth, tell her. I think at this point you decide what's best for her.
In terms of what's best for you, block him. He can't turn up here so there's no risk in going no contact.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation flowers

Tootsiepops Tue 29-Nov-16 13:02:35

Speaking as the daughter of a dad who also fucked off to Thailand, please protect your grandmother. If she is dying, please don't marr her final days / weeks / months with drama. It's not worth upsetting a terminally ill woman over. Let her go in peace. All that needs to be said is 'your son is having some issues with his passport. He's trying hard to sort it out, and he'll be here if he can'.

I'm sorry for the position you are in. My dad died in Thailand leaving an unholy tangle of drama behind him, and four years later, I'm still trying to work through it all.

toptoe Tue 29-Nov-16 13:08:23

I'd cut ties with him completely at this point. Sadly, he has no intention of coming over whether you 'blackmail' him or not he won't come. Tell his mother he has not got a passport and can't come over until he gets one. Then when she asks if he has got one yet, you can say the truth 'not yet'.

It's a horrible way to treat your own mother, but it's not your responsibility to sort it out and in her heart she probably knows her son has some sort of personality disorder that stops him doing the fair thing.

Poor you having to deal with it all. Must be very hard.

amusedbush Tue 29-Nov-16 13:12:18

I would have sworn that you were my DH's cousin had you not mentioned your father's brother (DH's uncle doesn't have a brother, only sibling is DH's mum)! His uncle has done exactly the same thing, it's actually spooky how similar the stories are.

I have no advice, I'm afraid, but I can really sympathise.

Mistletoetastic Tue 29-Nov-16 13:25:23

I can't see that anything that you could do would change anything tbh. Making a threat to report him won't get him a passport nor suddenly give him a conscience. The Thai authorities are slow so reporting him to them won't get him suddenly deported.

I wouldn't take calls from him and break it your Grandmother that he hasn't got a passport so won't be coming over until that's sorted.

WomenAtWorkWithDiggers Tue 29-Nov-16 13:43:09

it's actually spooky how similar the stories are.

There's loads of them. It's becoming quite a problem in Thailand.

amusedbush Tue 29-Nov-16 15:29:38

WomenAtWorkWithDiggers

I believe that but OP's story is similar down to the terminal parent. I'm sorry to hear that others are in the same situation.

0nline Tue 29-Nov-16 15:56:23

I was on your other thread. I'm sorry it turned out to be as "visa complicated" as I suspected.

Rather than the Thai police, if he is in a tourist spot it might be worth seeing if there is a special falang police service. These tend to be manned by westerners who go over and operating as a kind of buffer zone between the police proper, and exactly the sorts of tourist who tend to create bother.

Lots and lots of people get in the mess your father has. Often they can't see a way out and go all ostrich/hedgehog about it. If there is a falang police service they might (if they come across him) be able to walk him through getting out of the mess. If nothing else, just by raising the spectre of somebody with a direct connection to the authorities knowing his status, they can might get through to him that time is running out in this game of sit back and pretend it isn't happening.

It will mean a ruddy great fine at the airport, and if he can't pay it he could end up being deported and unable to return. But if he doesn't sort this out sooner, or later it will bite him on the arse. If, for example, he needs medical care in a hospital and can't produce a passport, or gets stopped for a random ID check, or gets into some minor arty bargy with a bar or Thai national that ends up with a policeman asking everybody to whip out ID. It is to his benefit (even if he doesn't see it that way) to get this sorted out in a semi-supported, orderly fashion, rather than just waiting for the hammer to fall at a random moment in time.

I'm so sorry love. I knew a lot of (mostly older male) colleagues who were in this sort of mess. Their families had an awful lot to put up with if the rather determined, self destructive behavoir I saw was anything to go by.

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