In-laws turning up to stay without asking

[BowBelle81]

Half an AIBU, half a "not sure who's the weirdo here" - but really interested in whether other people's families do this...

DP's siblings have a habit of assuming they can stay with us and turning up, with bags, without asking first. I'm happy for them to stay - they live overseas, we live in London - but I think it's completely bizarre to just assume it's fine without asking first. This was a minor annoyance before we had a baby, but since we've had the boy (7mo now) it's been driving me mad. When the baby was 5mo DP's brother came and stayed for 3 nights without asking first (literally, he and his parents arrived for a lunch we'd arranged, and he brought his bags in and didn't say anything until DP asked why he was carrying a suitcase), and it was when DS was in a proper cluster-feeding-inconsolable-won't-go-down-till-midnight stage (in fact one night he didn't get in till 1am (he didn't have keys) and said "well I thought you'd still be up with the baby"...) This week sister in law has done the same (though without the inconsiderate late night!), she was planning to stay with her mum and dad but then when she arrived she said she was going to stay with us for the first few days instead. They each live abroad and when they come to the UK we always ask whether they're planning to stay with their parents, friends, hotel, us, but they tend to leave their plans open and make decisions at the last minute.

Anyway, this annoys DP as much as it annoys me, but he thinks it's pretty normal behaviour in families - just annoying normal behaviour. I think it's really, really weird! My family would never do it and it would be seen as incredibly rude if anyone did, especially with a newborn in the house.

So, do other people's families do this? Who's the weirdo here?!

[YesILikeItToo]

My family do not do this. I find it astonishing.

[PuntasticUsername]

I'm with you! Perhaps it IS the norm in some families, but not ones that I have ever known.

[BarbarianMum]

It is normal for some families I'm sure. Doesn't have to be normal for yours though.

[Aderyn2016]

You have to tell them to stop. I dpn't know anyone who would think this is reasonable behaviour. My family are really close, my folks are all 'droppers in' (I would prefer a phone call first, ideally) and even they wouldn't consider this okay.

Clearly it has become the norm in their family but if you continue to say nothing, they will think you don't mind.

[BertrandRussell]

Sounds utterly bonkers!

I've put up friends and family members at very short notice a couple of times, but on,y in an in an emergency. And I would very rarely say no to people staying but I would always expect a decent amount of notice. And a request rather than an assumption.

Is it possibly a cultural thing with your dp?

[CmereTilliTellYa]

This would drive me nuts. FIL has a habit of dropping in (they live three hours away so it's unexpected for him to just appear) with very little notice, if he happens to be up near us on business and this drives me crazy as I may not have enough in to include him in dinner or whatever or the house is less than pristine, but I know that's me being unreasonable and I'd never want to make him feel unwelcome. I couldn't cope with unexpected over night visitors though.

[Trifleorbust]

They are

[IrregularCommentary]

His family are definitely the weirdos.

[Potatoooooo]

It's normal for some families but its usually arranged first.
Turning up without asking somebody first is rude, family or not.
How do they know you haven't any plans that evening? They're not thinking about you, they're thinking about themselves.
Maybe its time to tell them they can't stay anymore.

[Primaryteach87]

I have family in very very close to, informal relationships..but none of them would do this. Very odd!

[mumto2two]

I feel your angst! My inlaws used to do exactly the same..and yes to DH this was normal! They live long haul overseas and thought nothing of rocking up with no more than a last minute email. Like you, having kids changed my temperament towards it. There were many 'final straws'...small house and no spare beds soon put paid to it..although it still took nearly falling out over it. Last time sil and her friends whom I had never met..assumed they could rock up with their sleeping bags and bed down somewhere. I helpfully suggested the local hotel :))

[BertrandRussell]

I like dropping in. Staying over is different, though!

[starsorwater]

My family, never.
DH's do. It's awful. They fly in from Europe without notice and arrive saying 'Surprise!'
They think it's a wonderful treat for us. It isn't.

[13amielsaoranna]

How could anyone turn up with suitcases without checking first!!!! They are assuming that you will have a bed ready for them. You're not a hotel and this would really annoy me. Think DH really needs to tell his family that you would like some notice if they wish to stay with you.

[RB68]

As an emergency measure - ie stuck overnight due to weather/travel etc yes fine but as a regular semi planned thing No not reasonable and not normal. They need to let you know in advance and be prepared to hear No not this time.

[EssentialHummus]

If they're coming from another country this isn't really a spontaneous trip (unless the other country is Wales and you live in Shrewsbury).

Either assume that they're staying with you, and make the appropriate provision, or ask for 24 hours' (or whatever) notice, or tell them that there's no room at the inn.

[BowBelle81]

Oh, I'm glad it's not just us mumto2 and Stars! And yes, Stars, it is not a "treat"! Ours are the same. My favourite was brother in law suggesting that he was being a helpful house sitter by turning up the day before we went on holiday to stay for a long weekend. Really helpful as I franctically tried to pack.

Everyone else, I'm relieved to know others find it as weird as I do!

I think it is a general attitude of even if we have plans, they are always shareable. There's a bit of "oh, it's fine that you have a song group/NCT lunch/plans, I'll just come along too, or babysit for you so you can go out" Which I get they are trying to be nice, but I make plans around the baby, not in spite of him and I don't always want to share my activities.

Bertrand - Aussie. Maybe it's the laidbackness...

[sohelpmegoad]

My ILs used to do this, arrive for lunch and then stay for days after the suitcase was produced from the car, I was NOT happy, I told them and they didn't really do it again
But I was never the DIL that they wanted anyway, so we never had a good relationship to spoil (don't really know why they wanted to stay!)

[BertrandRussell]

I've been thinking about this. I am very old, and when I was young there was no internet and lots of people didn't even have landlines. And you sometimes had to book international calls! We had many friends and family from all over the world, and quite often found somebody on our doorstep we weren't expecting. Sometimes, particularly with Australians, they would be people we didn't even know, that a family member had given our address to. It was all really exciting- I often remember being told not to be too noisy when I woke up because there were 4 backpackers asleep in the living room!

But obviously, none of that would be acceptable now...........

[BertrandRussell]

"Bertrand - Aussie. Maybe it's the laidbackness..."

Ah! I thought it might be! See my cross post

[BowBelle81]

Bertrand, that's really interesting! Funny isn't it, it feels like a different world, but then I remember it being a big big occasion when my mum got to speak to my aunt in New Zealand on the phone when I was little, which isn't so long ago (well - 30 years...). And even having to use international phone cards when I first travelled abroad - such a world away from smartphones!

[starsorwater]

What I can never get my head round is that when they are here, using all the hot water/idly poking through stuff/ wanting to borrow car (No! You drive on the wrong side of the road and say 'whoops!') staying up all night when you have work etc. moan, moan, moan, the worst thing is that you don't know when they are leaving! And neither do they. And if you ask, they give you a sort of hurt, glassy eyed stare. As if to say, 'Non family member who wrenched my brother from my life, how dare you!'

[mumto2two]

Yes I thought so too! Same here..but it's a laid backness I can't tolerate!
And I don't think 24 hours notice makes a jot of difference. If I am back packing off somewhere on a round the world Jolly with my friends, I make my own arrangements. Emailing with a 'hope it's ok to stay' assumption..is just not acceptable in my book.
I've picked up their dirty washing and stumbled over their stuff trying to get the kids out to school and feed a new born..while they've slept till midday having crashed in a boring glib of non conversation the night before..I'm sorry I don't like it. I never will! Totally empathise OP!

[Onslow]

Can I just say, as a fairly laidback Aussie, I think it sounds bonkers. Why would anyone think they can just turn up unannounced?!

You have my sympathies OP. I think that would make me feel slightly murderous.

[BertrandRussell]

It's interesting. I am much less "open house" than my parents were, but more so than most people. In the days before easy communication there wasn't really a choice- phone calls were incredibly expensive and there were no ATMs or easy access to money. So by the time a lot of Aussies reached England they were usually pretty skint. And there really was an unspoken understanding that you would welcome family-however distant. And I don't think it was a bad thing, actually. There wasn't time or opportunity or, for that matter, inclination to get anxious about it. And nothing like listening to backpackers tales over dinner to broaden a child's horizons!