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To not mention it to my friend

(256 Posts)
Peculiarparenting Tue 29-Nov-16 09:42:10

That the mums at school are talking about the fact she does not put a coat on her toddler in this cold weather. He is normally in short sleeves and shorts at drop off and pick up time and is shivering which is what other mums are not noticing. This has been going on since September but it's more noticeable now as the weather is alot colder and he is dressed so inappropriately.

My reason for not wanting to tell her is that she had a baby a few months ago and is juggling a lot with 4 dcs. Her other dcs are always dressed for the weather. From speaking to her I know she is trying to get her toddler in to warmer clothes and he is refusing. He does feel the cold when he is outside though as he is shivering and asking to go home.

I have gently tried to give her ideas about how to get him in a coat. My dc was also particular about clothes and I just had to hide the things I no longer wanted him to wear so he was left with no choice. I have noticed when he is with his dad the toddler does wear a jacket and hat so I suspect he can be forced in to it.

Should I tell my friend people are gossiping about her or keep my mouth shut.

ThanksSpanx Tue 29-Nov-16 09:46:25

What would you achieve by telling her others are gossiping about her? Are you hoping it'll shame her into ensuring he wears his coat?

If you want to discuss it, be honest and say you think it's too cold out for her DC to be coatless. Don't under any circumstances say she has been the subject of playground gossip. She sounds vulnerable enough at the moment.

Peculiarparenting Tue 29-Nov-16 09:46:32

By forced I don't mean violently I just mean firmly made to wear what you want. My dc does not like jumpers but when he started school I had to be very firm with him go make him wear it which included using carrots (will give you a treat) and sticks (not going to watch any TV after school).

Peculiarparenting Tue 29-Nov-16 09:47:06

I don't want to mention it to her. I know she's vulnerable.

I think you should just discuss the issue rather than saying about the gossip. It will probably of been noted by the school also.

Do you know if she dresses him or if he does it himself? You could maybe discuss him going shopping and picking the clothes himself (if finances allow for this for her). He may want to be a big boy and not have decisions made for him. My niece will not have anyone dress her (3yo) and this results in some unusual choices and mostly inside out. Niece is happy this way as she has decided what to wear so they just get on with her looking a bit dishevelled

Colby43443 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:51:11

I would tell her. If the dad can get toddler into the coat then maybe the gossip will prompt her to either step up, or have him get dropped off by the dad. The child is the vulnerable one here and it won't take long for the school to notice, and when they do social services will get involved- so you would be doing her a favour really.

Peculiarparenting Tue 29-Nov-16 09:55:29

The reason I'm asking is another mum mentioned it to me that other people were noticing it and being judgy. They framed it as her being neglectful. So I was wondering would it be better to know that or not. Tbh I would prefer to know if people were discussing me.

Colby43443 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:56:51

Tbh it is a red flag of neglect. I would tell her Op

JosephineMaynard Tue 29-Nov-16 09:58:43

Have you tried telling the gossiping mums that she is trying to get the toddler to dress more warmly but struggling?

Telling her people are gossiping about her probably won't help anything.
I'd also be wondering why the toddler wasn't dressed appropriately TBH, especially now that the weather is starting to drop below freezing - it can't be good for a toddler to be only in shorts and short sleeves all the time outside at the minute - but as you're friends with her, that's something you're surely able to raise directly with her.

chitofftheshovel Tue 29-Nov-16 09:58:53

He's a person! If he doesn't want to wear a coat he doesn't have to, as long as the option is available to him, which it sounds like it is. Mine are asked if they want to wear a coat, reminded that it's cold and if they decline are told I don't want to hear any whinging about being cold.

The gossipers need to get a grip on reality and presumably if you're hearing it you are a part of it.

Maudlinmaud Tue 29-Nov-16 10:00:55

In this weather coats, hats, gloves and vests are essential, at least they are where I'm from. Does the mother not realise the child is under dressed and shivering?

Peculiarparenting Tue 29-Nov-16 10:06:04

I speak to her most days about it. She normally brings it up about how she is trying to get him to wear a coat and how he is not allowed out at preschool because of it. I never bring it up but do try to gently give her ideas as the fact she talks to me about it makes me think she is nervous about what people think. However I have a very different approach to her as she is much more gentle in her parenting.

Potnoodlewilld0 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:06:40

TBH if this was my friend I'd tell the other mums to shut it fuck off

She isn't being neglectful as clearly her other kids are dressed appropriately. The last thing you need in the morning while trying to get multiple kids dressed, fed, washed, teeth brushed, hair done and out the door on time for school is a full on fight/Melt down with a toddler.

You know she is trying do you should be sticking up for her. And yes I'd tell her what a bunch of arseholes they are being and I'd make sure I was stood with her at the gate. I've let my dd go to nursery with no shoes on once because I could not be bothered with the fight!

Does she drive or walk? Are they nipping to school after getting out of car? Maybe you could suggest that if she is walking then to bring the coat and give it to him when cold.

witsender Tue 29-Nov-16 10:08:36

I'd be telling the gossipy mums to do one tbh. Does he have sensory issues? Perhaps a soft, fleecy jacket or hoody instead?

Maudlinmaud Tue 29-Nov-16 10:11:25

Sounds like she is doing her best, perhaps the child will realise no coat = no outdoor time with his pals.

myoriginal3 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:18:37

Poor woman. I loathe judgey fuckers. She should make sure and carry a coat with her to silence the fuckers. I would suggest it to her under the guise of saying ' oh you know what some people are like, they MIGHT get their judgy knickers in a twist'

user1477282676 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:20:32

I had a child like this and do you know what? If my school gate friend had said anything, I'd have thought "Mind your own business"

He won't get hypothermia in the UK. A bit of a shiver won't see him off.

Butt out.

MrsSnootch Tue 29-Nov-16 10:22:22

No, you should not tell her, and those gossipy types, why do they feel comfortable to talk negatively about her in front of you, her ''friend''? Why do they feel comfortable enough to do that? If it were my mates I would tell those sad b1tches to fk right off and get a life!

I for one think she's doing the right thing - making him realize the consequences of his actions and not molly coddling him!!

So, she tries to get toddler to wear a coat, he doesn't want to. Tries to persuade him, he doesn't want to, tried to force him, tantrum ensues. Every time she wants to go out. He wont be reasoned with, he doesn't want to wear the coat, or every time you go out the house it is world war three. So she lets him go without. Lets him find out for himself that if he doesn't wear the coat, he is going to be freezing cold.

He will learn!

Peculiarparenting Tue 29-Nov-16 10:22:30

Myoriginal3 I was thinking that I should tell her to bring the jacket so when he starts shivering she can pull it out so he can put it on and others can see she is trying but he doesn't want to wear it.

Mumofone1972 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:23:32

My son was the same hated feeling restricted! A thin soft layer helped, oh and hiding all the shorts and tshirts once it was too cold to wear them !

gingina Tue 29-Nov-16 10:24:54

You'd be better off telling the spiteful school mums to mind their own business and worry about their own kids.
My niece has sensory problems and hates the feeling of material against her skin, despite constant battles and tears she flat out refuses to wear anything but the most minimal of clothes and my sister has been advised not to force her into clothes at this point. if she's cold she will learn that she needs clothes to warm her but a daily fight with her Mum won't do her any good.
If your 'friend' is dressing her older kids appropriately then she is clearly a good Mum and just has issues with the younger one, or simply doesn't have time. Maybe she goes home and gets her ready after the others are at school.
If you were a true friend you would be supportive and not pass on mean playground gossip to make her feel bad.

myoriginal3 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:25:13

Exactly Peculiar. Shuts them up and she doesn't have to know about them being cnuts.

FantasticButtocks Tue 29-Nov-16 10:26:27

She could show him the really cool (for toddlers) way to put on a coat. Lay the coat on floor upside down to the child, then he puts his arms into the sleeves and throws coat over shoulders.... hey presto!

RB68 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:26:32

Its not a red flag if he has these things and is refusing them is it really - its more of a red flag when he doen't have the clothes int he first place. It does sound like there is an authority issue or perhaps a DH support issue - the best thing is to just tell her to her face its not good enough he needs something on - I had a coat refuser and as she was a girl we were able to get away with a cape which she thought was fun, I would at least be carrying a coat for him that went into school for playtimes and such as it sounds like he regrets it later on. If I had hand me downs she could try that might work too if the child knows and looks up to your child then xyz coat might have more appeal for him.

strawberrypenguin Tue 29-Nov-16 10:26:33

Being very honest here I'd judge and I'd judge hard. It's not appropriate for a toddler to only have at short and shorts on in this weather. If he absolutely refuses a coat which it doesn't sound like he does if he wears if for dad then he should at least have a big jumper on. To be honest I'd be considering reporting it.

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