To hate the inequality of it.

(52 Posts)
Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:13:00

So I work very part time self employed. At the moment maybe 20 hours per month. I do maybe half when dh I'd available to look after DC and the other admin half I do around caring for dds aged 12 10 and 4. Dh works maybe 40 hours per week in a well paid job which covers all the bills etc.
During the week he does nothing around the home. I cook ,clean, do the laundry etc and look after Dd3 when she isn't in nursery and ferry older two to their many activities. I am alsodoubt a couple of GCSE to help prepare me for returning to work once Dd3 is full time in school. The evenings do piss me off abut as dh usually sorts food out for himself and leaves a mess for me to tidy but I can't really complain as he does have a health condition so is limited in what he can do I. The evening anyway. Although he certain could wipe down a worktop.
Anyway this is the background. My current issue is about what happens when illness strikes.
All the DC have been ill recently and me to a lesser extent. All the additional work is comforting youngest in the early hours and multiple bedding changes etc falls to me. When I was ill I just got on with it.
Contrast with dh who pretty much took to his bed on Sunday leaving me to get on with the day to day stuff alone. In the early hours of Monday youngest was really poorly and I was up from 4am. Tbf dh looked awful Monday morning so had a day sick which he spent in bed either asleep or watching telly. Yet when I am ill I have to get on with it.
In fact obe day I was ill and dh was working from home. He couldn't even rearrange his day to do the breakfasts and morning school run when I had sickness and diarrhea.
AIBU

Owllady Tue 29-Nov-16 09:15:49

Of course you aren't being unreasonable! sad
Have you spoken to him about it?

ZoFloMoFo Tue 29-Nov-16 09:19:37

So he works about 180 hours a month (with some kind of health condition?) and you do 20 hours a month?

Sorry but I think it's fair that you take on the vast majority of the work involved in running the household.

With regards to illness, yes he should have helped out at the weekend and with the school run, YANBU about that.

Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:22:05

Plus 6 hours hours a week at college and another 3 homework and all the childcare though

Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:23:40

During the week I do it all and weekends 90%.

ghostyslovesheets Tue 29-Nov-16 09:25:50

I can see both sides- all the childcare is ott - they are at school and nursery - but just in a general two adults in the house thing he should do some of ot

DeleteOrDecay Tue 29-Nov-16 09:26:40

I agree that you should do the majority of it but he is a grown up and should at the very least clean up after himself.

Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:28:12

OK all the childcare when not at school. Although for the last week I have been home with at least one child due to sickness and I deal with all night wakings. I always have .

Owllady Tue 29-Nov-16 09:31:00

Amazing isn't it? If you were a childminder or nanny/housekeeper for three kids, people would be posting it was a job. They are only at school 9-3, that's 6 hours 5 days a week term time only. It really doesn't leave loads of time to do everything. He absolutely should not be leaving shit for you to clean up. It's rude and disrespectful.
Yes he works hard in paid employment but just because you don't get paid it doesn't mean your role is any less. Don't be sucked in by the misogyny

Owllady Tue 29-Nov-16 09:32:58

I have worked full time over the years and I absolutely did not walk through the front door expecting to be waited on and not having to do any of the mundane tasks with my children, so why is it acceptable for a man to behave in that way?

Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:39:22

The youngest does 3 hours 5 days a week. Two of those days I am at college. That gives me 7 1/2 child free hours during the day to do shopping, work prep, homework and some of the bigger cleaning tasks which is a lot as we have a 5 bedroom house. Sorry not meant to be a stealth boast but hydration give idea of the work involved.

Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:40:23

Just to not hydration. Stupid phone.

Colby43443 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:44:03

Someone who works 20 hours a week (while the other partner works 40 plus) should do more at home on a day to day basis. Illness is an exception and yes I agree with the others that your partner could help more on those occasions, but unless he gets paid sick leave for your illness it'd unreasonable to expect him to do everything you do plus 40+ hours a week in his job- some things need to slide.

YelloDraw Tue 29-Nov-16 09:47:11

OP should be doing more, but not everything and certainly her DH should be a big enough boy to clear up after himself.

Have you asked him why he feels clearing up after his mess is your job? Why he thinks he is above wiping down work surfaces to clear up his crumbs but thinks that you should do?

mrscarrotironfoundersson Tue 29-Nov-16 09:48:17

If he's well enough to make his own meal then he can clear it up afterwards - don't use illness as an excuse for his idleness.

I think you've got too much on your plate for your DH to act like he's living in a hotel. Does he participate in any part of your family life?

Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:48:39

No of course I wasn't expecting that. I was hoping us might come downstairs for an hour and watch Dd3 so I could nap on the be for an as I had been up since 4 and was still recovering from my sickness.
I guess that is the issue. Self employed and Sah have to work through their illness whilst employed get sick leave.

Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:50:50

Nap on the bed for an hour.

TheSockGoblin Tue 29-Nov-16 09:53:17

What health condition does your DH have?

Colby43443 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:55:52

Did you ask him to come down OP or were you expecting him to? Did he literally say no I won't as looking after DC is your job?

Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:03:27

His condition is variable and doesn't impact on his working day but he does get tired by the evening. I get that. At weekends again is normally fine during the day and indeed spends 6 hours out of the house once every two weeks on a hobby. Sorry bring a bit vague as don't want to be outed.

Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:06:15

I didn't ask which was silly really. Although in the past when I had been under the kids of illness he was extremely reluctant to help as he needed his sleep due to a long commute. Although now he no longer has a long commute.

puglife15 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:11:04

It does sound like he could pull his weight more. Is he depressed? I'm suffering from PND and anxiety at the moment and come the evening can barely do anything.

witsender Tue 29-Nov-16 10:11:58

20 hours a month is next to nowt, an hour a day tops? You shouldn't be tidying up after him, but I would expect you to do more and do night wakings.

Colby43443 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:23:50

If you don't ask you don't get OP. It's a bit unfair blaming him as you haven't given him a chance to say no.

Luvwales74 Tue 29-Nov-16 10:30:10

I guess I am going on past reaction. Anyway my post is more about inequality in the situation when illness strikes.
How much more can I do with. I already do it all during the week and study plus 90% at the weekends. When he works he comes home to a tidy home. When I work I come home to a shit tip.

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