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AIBU partner doesn't want to join accounts

(192 Posts)
Asia88 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:04:04

Hi ladies - so I've been a bit upset with my fiancé. For several months the plan (laid out by me) has been for us to join accounts. And IMO it would have been beneficial for him because:

- I earn more than him so he'd have access to additional funds on the main account

- I was going to also give him access to my savings account linked to primary account it has £10k in it already... I'm able to put £1k a month there at least. He could see how we are saving together each month and have access to those funds as well.

- Fiance is now giving me £500 each month (total monthly bills add up to about £400) plus pays for food (about £100 a week :-/), petrol, car and expensive insurance (also rather pricey!) and Netflix

In summary I reckon he'd be much better off if we just shared all the money. For me the main benefits would be:

- make me feel more secure through 6 months of maternity leave when I'm only paid SMP but I can definitely manage as is, though might mean subsidising from savings

- look at ALL the expenses and where I could cut useless expenditure to maximise our savings (e.g. Fiancé paying for gym membership he's not used for the last 6 months)

I thought I was being all nice, fair and selfless introducing the idea but I find that he's been dragging his feet. I didn't want to force this onto him so presented the idea about 5 times over the last few months gauging reactions - each time mildly positive but not really enthusiastic.

Then finally a week or two back he says we should really join accounts.

Great! I called my bank and got things in motion. Told my partner and he's gone hesitant again. Asked him what's the problem and he said:

- I thought it would be nice for me to have access to your account in case I'm out of money by the end of month like last time

confusedconfused

He then said something about "slowly moving incomes and expenses" there but that part didn't sound very convincing.

I am upset because I feel like he just doesn't want to take that step in the relationship, and he doesn't seem to grasp the whole concept behind the joining of accounts.

Also this is not entirely an isolated incident - over the summer he made a decision to give a half of his house in Greece to his sister without consulting me at all. When I was upset about it he said it was "between his family" kind of suggesting I and bump are not in that category sad

Oh btw he invested £40k in renovating the house that he is not going to see again as his sister never has any money.

Asia88 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:15:03

I'm trying to figure out myself why this upsets me and I guess it is the part where I feel he sees us as some separate independent financial units, rather than a joint force/family, which is fine but tricky with the little one on the way!

Also if we are planning a future together (he's already looking at potential bigger houses for us) I feel like saving should be a joint effort and not just me cutting expenses everywhere I can to manage, whereas he just gives the prescribed about each month and otherwise lives more or less like a bachelor wasting money left right and centre.

Like giving away half of the house and effectively gifting £20k to his sister - well that would really have helped towards our future but no, it will obviously be my savings that we look at when selecting our next home I bet.

He literally spends the whole salary down to zero and even takes additional money from his father sometimes. He also has a savings account for euros that he mentioned to me in passing but it seems like that is completely off limits to me or the baby (yesterday he said he was sorry he couldn't contribute to the purchase of a new pram - yeah he can just doesn't really want to confused)

He really is a great guy without a bad bone in his body, I don't think he has a malicious intent or anything but I just worry about what will happen especially when the little one is here.

Cuttingthecheese Tue 29-Nov-16 09:21:42

Ermine, why so desperate to join accounts when it sounds like he just wants to have access to your money for when he runs out rather than contribute?

Cuttingthecheese Tue 29-Nov-16 09:23:01

You'll have nothing left before you know it and it just doesn't sound like he's overly emotionallyrics invested in you.

Cuttingthecheese Tue 29-Nov-16 09:23:31

Emotionally

JC23 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:25:20

It sounds like your problems might be bigger than this but perhaps a compromise would be to open a joint account for bills, groceries, baby expenses etc and a joint savings account while still also keeping your own separate accounts too.
I can't imagine functioning as a family with children with all separate accounts.

Ahickiefromkinickie Tue 29-Nov-16 09:26:28

So he doesn't want a joint account but wants access to your account? hmm

That doesn't sound like a great guy at all.

And he may have given his sister half of his house so that you have no claim to it when you marry.

Who is paying the rent?

skippy67 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:26:46

Been with DH 25 years and we have separate finances. From what you've said, I can't work out why you want to join yours.

IrregularCommentary Tue 29-Nov-16 09:26:55

From your description of his money management, I can't understand why you want him to have access to your savings tbh.

Nocabbageinmyeye Tue 29-Nov-16 09:31:25

In this case not joining us a good thing, don't do it and stop suggesting it. You are looking for extra security, him spending your money as well.as his and leaving you with no savings will not do this!!

YelloDraw Tue 29-Nov-16 09:34:25

Why on earth woudl you give him access to your savings? FFS you aren't even married!

Branleuse Tue 29-Nov-16 09:36:02

youre being crazy to want to join accounts tbh if its just some symbolic thing but hes actually shit with money

Asia88 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:38:55

skippy and irregularCommentary to be honest I wonder that myself a bit! It wasn't an easy decision for me to even offer and I thought he'd jump all over it - hence why I can't understand the bloody resistance!

I guess suggested joining of accounts as thought I could help him better manage his finances and we could save more together! Also so he could see how financial management looks like as opposed to what he is doing, and that with mortgage and bills it takes more than just paying a set amount each month - there are additional things that need paying and looking after and would be nice to share some of the responsibility :-/ Plus it seems the more natural way to run the household once the baby is born.

I really don't want to think negatively about him I do feel he contributes a lot, and that he is normally the nicest and the sweetest man I've ever met (and I am not the one not to call out an asshole when I see one even after years in relationship.)

It's a crazy idea. I have a joint account but both of us pay in equal amounts and all bills (food, mortgage etc) comes out of it. We don't have access to each others savings or income which is not needed for bills.
I don't see why you would join savings.
We have a house and a child together so we do have joint interests financially.

I'm on mat leave and OH just gives me my extra shortfall for my account so mat leave can work with mostly separate accounts

Specialapplek Tue 29-Nov-16 09:40:21

I agree with PP. You'd be wise not to join accounts with him.

FWIW I'm a SAHM and we do not have joint accounts. I am in charge of our finances and have access to DH's accounts. It doesn't have to be joint for it to work.

Happymumof3tobe Tue 29-Nov-16 09:43:47

Don't join accounts if he has no intention of contributing. A family should share everything yes. But not leach off of one person because they don't want to pay for things. To be fair dh pays for everything. I am sahm. But I work part time for his business so that's how I contribute. I have access to all his accounts and I make suRE the bills are paid on time. I have also suggested a joint bank account which we are going to do in the new year. But in your case don't do it. If anything happened and you decide you have enough and divorced or whatever he has access to everything... including your savings. Don't give him joint access and get a will for your savings. And then renew the will after your marriage!!

Asia88 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:44:06

Ahickie... yeah I was shocked to hear he just wants to treat my account as some back up money source, too. It really was completely unlike him.

I am paying the mortgage and the bills but he contributes the amount that covers 90% of it all AND the house is entirely in my name, so I'm not exactly someone who lets herself be taken advantage of.

user1480061930 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:45:58

I would keep my finances seperate, and as lovely as he is, a similar thing happened to me, which made me realise my ex boyfriend didn't really see us as a family....keep your money as safe as you can...he cant contribute to a pram, because ( I'm sorry to be harsh ) he isn't committed to you or the baby...
So back pedal on the joint finances..and be prepared for any eventuality.

He sees you as a girlfriend...you need to see him the same way, as it appears you know in your heart that he doesn't see you as a wife or life partner..from what you've said here.

TotallyOuting Tue 29-Nov-16 09:46:15

Sounds like you're trying to make this relationship, and him, into something they're not, tbh.

hopelesslycynical Tue 29-Nov-16 09:46:31

I'm a bit confused. You say that he has no money at the end of the month but somehow has accumulated £40000 to invest in a house in Greece? You also say he pays you £500 a month which pays for total monthly bills of £400, and in addition buys food (£100 a week) and pays for the car, petrol and insurance. That is a lot! What exactly do you contribute? I think a joint account for household bills and expenses would be a good idea now that you're pregnant, but separate accounts for personal spending because you sound rather controlling about his personal spending. As long as the bills are being paid if he wants to spend his personal money on the gym but not go, that's his business!! With regard to his house in Greece, did he inherit it or buy it before you got together? If so it's completely up to him if he wants to give half to his sister. The same applies to your savings, it's your money that you have saved. He doesn't sound particularly enthusiastic about having access to them anyway.

Potnoodlewilld0 Tue 29-Nov-16 09:48:10

Why does he pay so little towards things?

You'd be crazy to share accounts!

memyselfandaye Tue 29-Nov-16 09:52:42

So he pays all of the bills plus food and you have £100 left each month out of the £500 he gives you?

Why don't you match the £100 and put the £200 into a seperate savings account and leave your own savings and current account alone?

Why would you want to give him access to the savings you have already built up?

CocktailQueen Tue 29-Nov-16 09:54:45

I wouldn't share accounts with him, especiially if I were the main earner.

I also wouldn't be marrying him - wtf re giving half his house away? You and his baby are his family.

Big financial decisons like that should be talked through first, not decided unilaterally.

TheSockGoblin Tue 29-Nov-16 09:57:12

Sounds as though he doesn't want you to have any control or say over how he spends his money, but is happy to take your money if he needs to.

GiddyOnZackHunt Tue 29-Nov-16 09:57:47

If he's a spender you aren't going to magically turn him into a saver by sharing your finances. You'll just spend time getting cross about him spending joint money.
Set up a joint account for bills and stuff if you must but keep a close eye on it.

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