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To find pregnancy so hard even after infertility heartbreak

(64 Posts)
calmingthoughts Tue 29-Nov-16 04:39:02

So I know I am being unreasonable. But after struggling for so long to get pregnant (years of monthly heartbreak, being told it wouldn't happen for us without medical intervention, followed by what felt like a miracle conception), I am finding pregnancy so so hard.

I am now 38 weeks so not long to go, but it has been 9 months of sickness and pain. I was sick regularly until around 24 weeks when it eased off a little, I've had hip pain since the beginning. I'm enormous (measuring big) and uncomfortable and now I have carpal tunnel syndrome which I never even knew was a pregnancy thing and I just can't believe how bad it is. The other day I woke myself up from a nap (napping is essential because of pregnancy insomnia) by heartburn making me sick in my mouth.

I'm sick of this and I feel so so guilty for even complaining on here anonymously because we are so grateful to even be in this position.

I don't complain in real life (except to long-suffering dh), as I just can't be that person who moans about being pregnant when I know how hard it is for those who can't conceive. But honestly I feel wretched at times.

I realise this is definitely more of a rant than a true AIBU but thank god for mumsnet and an anonymous forum where I can offload.

RaeSkywalker Tue 29-Nov-16 04:44:12

Pregnancy is hard, you're allowed to complain! It doesn't mean you're ungrateful. Just focus on the fact that you are so nearly there now.

I had an HG pregnancy so I can imagine how you feel. DS is 3 weeks old now and I'd take dealing with a newborn over pregnancy
any day.

lightcola Tue 29-Nov-16 04:48:00

You're definitely allowed to complain about being pregnant. It can be really uncomfortable and draining. Have you tried sleeping propped up with pillows to help with the heartburn? Rest when you can. Do as little as you can. It really isn't much longer till you will have your little one in your arms and pregnancy will soon be a distant memory. I found taking on a project in the last few weeks helped me focus on something else (and I never got round to finishing them both times).

calmingthoughts Tue 29-Nov-16 05:06:43

Thank you both, add much as I'd hate anyone else to feel bad there's something in knowing you're not alone!

I did read somewhere a few women saying that caring for a newborn was for them not as hard as pregnancy, particularly working through pregnancy. I have hope that might be the case for me!

I'm also pretty emotionally sensitive at the moment and feeling guilty that my other half doesn't have the woman he fell in love with as I'm really not myself.

Really hope this baby comes soon!

Bloopbleep Tue 29-Nov-16 05:09:42

You're definitely not being unreasonable to complain. I'm at the start of this journey after secondary infertility (and being a geriatric ha!) and I often question wtf I'm doing as I feel so bloody awful most of the time. I can only hope it gets easier soon. Congratulations and good luck in the coming weeks. You'll have your baby in your arms soon enough and you'll forget what pregnancy was like.

AmeliaJack Tue 29-Nov-16 05:10:09

Of course you can complain!

And when your lovely baby arrives and you find being a new Mum tough you can complain about that too.

Not all over Facebook mind because that's a bit crass but tomyour friends and nearest and dearest - go for it.

Infertility is hard.
Pregnancy can be hard.
Small babies and toddlers and teenagers can be hard.

It's not a competition.

ShastaBeast Tue 29-Nov-16 05:18:47

Pregnancy sucks, I've been left permanently injured and in pain after two pregnancies but women are so often dismissed for any pregnancy/birth related issues so I waited years to be taken seriously. Don't feel guilty, you have plenty of time for that as a mother, it's never ending. Infertility is awful but it doesn't mean pregnancy and motherhood isn't bloody tough. I think we are conned into believing it's a magical time and parenthood is the same, perhaps more so after waiting so long. And we are often discouraged from being honest about it.

calmingthoughts Tue 29-Nov-16 05:31:02

shasta I'm so sorry to hear you've been left with a permanent injury. I agree that there is something around pregnancy being 'sold' as a magical time, naively I thought I would be some kind of hippy earth mother while pregnant. Had clearly watched too many films.

Tootsiepops Tue 29-Nov-16 05:37:27

I had fertility issues and IVF. It's absolutely ok to complain. Pregnancy is tough. I pretty much cried every day at 38 weeks I was so uncomfortable all the time.

Also, when your baby arrives, if you are tired, have feeding problems, health issues etc - complain all you want

Don't feel you have to suffer silently just because you had fertility problems. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that women who struggle to get pregnant are more likely to experience PND because they don't think they can talk about any difficulties because they think they should be grateful to have their baby in the first place.

Fuck that noise.

My newborn was a colicky, refluxy, never stopped crying PITA. I love her more than life itself, but she was hard bloody work.

I'm all for a good complain. It's good for your mental health grin

ICJump Tue 29-Nov-16 05:40:10

Pregnacy is really hard work your growing another human being. I'd think it was particularly difficult after struggling with infertility, the pressure for it to be great after so much work and heartache.
And the next month of it is really shit the waiting and waiting. So moan away.

Motherfuckers Tue 29-Nov-16 05:40:27

Hopefully after such a hard time trying to get pregnant and being pregnant, you will have an amazingly easy baby! I think it will probably feel really easy after such a horrible pregnancy!

TheMagicFarawaySleep Tue 29-Nov-16 05:40:54

Pregnancy is tough. Growing a person is knackering and draining. And of course it's ok to say that. It's not ungrateful at all. I really think being pregnant is underestimated for the toll it can take (I know that not everyone is the same, and some sail through -lucky things). I found it easier once the baby was here and slept a lot.

Wonderflonium Tue 29-Nov-16 05:44:55

I'm in the same position! Years of trying, IVF, finally pregnant and BOOM it's totally bullshit!

(I think it's ok to complain about it, even if you remember Past You getting annoyed with the same behaviour when it was someone else who was pregnant)

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 29-Nov-16 05:49:02

You just described my pregnancy. Bloody awful. And BFing was a painful nightmare and DD didn't sleep at all until she was two. Complain all you like. It's bloody crap sometimes.

I think the pressure for everything to be wonderful and mothers to float through pregnancy and babies to always be serene and women to just be great at it is bullshit.

Just wait until your newborn poos on you! You'll love it! grin

calmingthoughts Tue 29-Nov-16 05:53:19

Ah, I feel so supported! Thank you lovely mumsnetters and I'm sorry there are so many of you who've had crap times (including difficult times with your newborns). There is something so normalising hearing your stories.

Really good point about PND being a danger if not talking about issues, I didn't think of that but will try to remember it over the next few months.

Spudlet Tue 29-Nov-16 06:25:08

Pregnancy is the means to an end. That's it. The point of being pregnant is to get a baby out of the process. And it's a process that sucks, frankly!

So definitely YANBU not to be skipping around the place like some kind of Instagram cliche wink Embrace the craposity of pregnancy, and later of newborns, and sleepless nights, and sore boobs and so. Many. Nappies. Doesn't make you ungrateful or less of a mother. Just means you're human.

Borntoflyinfirst Tue 29-Nov-16 06:37:22

I struggled to get pg with dd (now 12) and I've always been of the opinion that the harder it is to get pg the harder it can be to adjust. For me it was because everything was focussed on getting pregnant and I thought once that happened I would be instantly happy. I wasn't. I found pregnancy ok (apart from hormones) but struggled with pnd that wasn't diagnosed until after ds was born 2 years later. I think I had the idea that being pregnant and having a baby would make my world instantly perfect. That pressure I put on myself (unknowingly) really had an effect on me. I'm aware of several others who have experienced similar. Of course it doesn't always happen like this but for me it only started to get better when I stopped expecting everything to be perfect. As pp's have said it's hard being pregnant and having children. Do keep talking and allowing yourself to feel however you do. Don't beat yourself up. Not long to go now op - good luck with the birth. Whatever we go through it's worth it!

pilohshit Tue 29-Nov-16 06:41:05

YANBU in the slightest.

Well done for being so honest. I found pregnancy very difficult. I was super sick to start with and just felt rubbish for the majority of it then ended up with a EMCS. The only saving grace was that I recovered very quickly and had no PND

Alexandriaaaa Tue 29-Nov-16 06:44:38

I'm currently mired in first trimester misery OP. I'm seven weeks, and I feel absolutely horrendous.

Currently lying in bed wondering how the fuck I'm going to make it through work today. If I get up I know I'm going to be sick.

This is my second pregnancy and my first one was an absolute breeze. This one so far is nothing like it. I just don't know if I can do this till July.

But it'll all be worth it....

NastyWoman Tue 29-Nov-16 06:45:13

I've just had my first baby after similar years of awful miserable infertility. I had a really easy pregnancy and birth and although we've had some breastfeeding difficulties I've got a baby that's pretty easy to manage (so far!). I know I've been lucky. But I do complain a bit about things sometimes because even so some things about being a new mum aren't easy. Doesn't mean I'm not so grateful and happy that he's finally here! The only thing I don't do is complain on Facebook, and I don't post pics of him either, because you never know who out there might be struggling with infertility or loss or the fear that they might be running out of time.

Blue2014 Tue 29-Nov-16 06:47:58

Thanks OP. I'm in exactly the same position, currently 38+6, after years of infertility and a round of IVF. booked for induction at the end of the week but I'm hating it right now. I haven't slept more than 4 hours a night in 3 months (got 4 hours today, amazing as it was about an hour last night). My anxiety is through the roof (having never had anxiety before) and I'm dreading giving up work as I feel I need something to keep all my focus on or I'll loose my mind. I'm seriously worried about PND or anxiety. I had no idea my mental health could be so vulnerable to hormones and I hate it l!

How do you feel about keeping this as a support thread to help us get by?

Alexandriaaaa Tue 29-Nov-16 06:50:21

Blue, do you need to give up work, if you feel that way? Could you not work part time?

Blue2014 Tue 29-Nov-16 06:53:39

No, I don't. But everyone around me keeps telling me how much I'll adore the baby when he comes and won't want to work. I disagree but feel I should at least give it a try especially as I'm lucky enough to be able to afford a year off. Lucky my boss is flexible and I could go back after 8 weeks if I wanted. Thanks, I appreciate you asking - none else has confused

Cuttingthecheese Tue 29-Nov-16 06:58:00

YANBU Pregnancy is crap for 90% of women who go through it and I'm convinced that the 10% are living through their teeth.

What gets me is those who can't get/haven't yet been pregnant thinking you have no right to complain. 😠

Cuttingthecheese Tue 29-Nov-16 06:58:35

Lieing. Fucking presumptive autocorrect

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