To expect help around the house

[user1480348569]

I'm at my wits end with DP and have gotten to the point where i'd rather be on my own. I'm a SAHM with our 1 year old DS and no2 due in Feb. Before this i was a full time student.

On one hand, DP works 40+ hours a week, pays all the bills and cooks our evening meal every night.

On the other hand, he does nothing around the house and complains about having to do certain things with DS. For example, he'll complain about having to do nappy changes when he gets home or having to play with him so i can go do something else, "I've just got in i want to relax", even though theres only about 3 hours between him getting home and DS going to bed, so you'd think he'd want to spend time with him right??

Around the house he doesn't do much at all. He'll take off his trousers in the middle of the living room floor and if i dont pick them up, they will stay there for literally weeks. DP will just step over them. He does this with everything around the house, never really having the consideration to just do things without being asked, and when asked he complains.

I no longer feel like i want to be intimate with him, our sex life has dwindled to nothing and frankly with the inconsideration and unappreciation i feel like i get from him, thats fine by me. Of course he complains about the lack of sex but what does he expect??

He blames the pressure of being the sole breadwinner and being the only one who goes to work for his lack of help. Some days i find this reasonable, on most others i think, he's a grown man who should be more than capable of picking up after himself and sharing the responsibility for our child, soon to be children.

I'm the one always made to feel like i'm just constantly nagging and being unreasonable. Am i????

[HeyMacWey]

You know yanbu.
You're not his servant.
The problem is he doesn't see childcare as work or his responsibility.
Not sure what you can do to make him change tbh.
Can you go away for a week and get him to book that week off work so he has some idea of the reality of being a parent?

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

Send him this link

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

On one hand, DP works 40+ hours a week, pays all the bills and cooks our evening meal every night.

On the other hand, he does nothing around the house and complains about having to do certain things with DS. For example, he'll complain about having to do nappy changes when he gets home or having to play with him so i can go do something else, "I've just got in i want to relax", even though theres only about 3 hours between him getting home and

When you say cooks the meal, do you mean he cooks from scratch or puts something frozen in the oven?

If he's cooking from scratch then I think that's fine for the evenings. He should spend time with DC though.

He should not be leaving his trousers on the floor. I would put them in a black bin bag and shove that somewhere. He'll soon realise they're not getting washed for him.

Does he do nothing at home on his days off?

[TiffLouise95]

He pretty much always cooks from scratch, i never expect him to do anything when he comes home. Have asked him to fill the dishwasher with the pans he uses instead of piling them in the sink but that has fallen on deaf ears. Most of his days off we spend out somewhere or doing the weekly shop, sometimes he'll mop the kitchen floor which his then his answer for the next two weeks when i say, "What have you done around the house recently?"

[SquinkiesRule]

Sorry OP but I would have been ecstatic if my dh (who also worked 40+ hours a week when I was a SAHM and pregnant) cooked dinner for me every night.
I was home I did everything while he was out including cook dinner, change nappies. He did all car maintenance and garden work and fixed stuff as it broke, he did know where the laundry went, not in the living room.
I think after a long day, he could relax on the couch and maybe entertain Ds with books or toys and that would be enough what with all the cooking.
I think YAB a bit U

[SouthofMaui]

If he's working full time, and cooking all your evening meals, then he's not "doing nothing". As above, he shouldn't expect you to pick up things after him however.

How did you share housework before you had children? Is he now doing less? I would tell him that if he can't respect you and the house , then he can pay for a cleaner.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Did you have a name fail there, OP?

[golfbuggy]

IMO he should

Do general picking up and tidying up after himself
Sharing general chores/childcare on a non-working day

Whether he should do more general jobs than cooking dinner depends a little bit on the type of baby you have. If you have a fussy baby that only sleep 4 hours a night I'd expect more help than if you have a baby that sleeps 12 hours at night and naps for 2 in the day.

[crazyoldc4tlady]

but he is working full time and does the cooling every night. Guess a commute is also involved. I think this is a lot.

and being the sole bread winner for a family is indeed stressful. You are a Sahm and have been a student before so maybe unsurprisingly you cannot appreciate the pressure that comes with it.

[Unwrapped]

I think his contribution is cooking the evening meal and YABU to expect him to do household chores on top of this. Can you cook some nights and delegate the chores to him?

On the days I don't work I try to get most chores/housework done during the day, so the evenings are free to relax. Heavy housework I save for when toddler naps (e.g. Mopping floors). If DH is home before bedtime he plays with DC but he's often home much later.

Trousers on the floor is a bit odd, what does he say about it?

[OohNoDooEy]

In our house dh cooks and cleans up. I tidy/clean/do admin. We do alternate bedtimes.

I wouldn't pick up after him though. If you don't want to live with it then just bag up anything of his that gets left And leave it for him to sort through. I wouldn't do washing if the result of this exercise was a tonne of Washing.

Explain your new system
Before start so he can't complain.

[YelloDraw]

Well, he should pick up his own things. It is very disrespectful to be leaving his stuff around.

I would also want him to want to spend time with the baby.

On the other hand, he is working a lot and cooks every night. And you are at home all day.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

He should put the pans he uses in the dishwasher. The equivalent to this is you changing the babies nappy and leaving the dirty ones where they came off for 'someone' to deal with. Putting cooking pots in the dishwasher is not a separate chore, it is part of the cooking process. It isn't cleaning up te kitchen after dinner which is a separate chore.

He also should lift his own trousers. That is not housework. It is basic self care, you put your own clothes in the laundry basket. We teach this to toddlers.

Just because he works a normal working week (like the rest of the country!) doesn't mean he gets to opt out of his own personal responsibilities of lifting his own shit.

[YelloDraw]

Second having a box you just dump all his stuff in. Can live behind the sofa. Trousers on the floor? Box. Empty crisp packet? Box.Snotty tissues? Box. Socks? Box.

[MissVictoria]

Did you not live with this man before having a child?
If you did, and still chose to have a serious relationship involving children with him, then you can't really complain. You knew what he was like and chose to make it serious. Expecting people to change usually doesn't work out. He's not doing "nothing" he works full time an does the evening cooking. I completely understand him wanting to relax when he gets home. I'm not saying he shouldn't spend time with his kid doing fun stuff (he might genuinely be too tired for playing and want a sit down/rest) but you chose the roles where youre the primary carer and he's the provider. Shoving a kid with a stinking nappy at him when he gets home from a long, stressful day is a bit inconsiderate. Yes, you do it during the day, but his whole day is the boring mundane hard work stuff, you do get fun times in the day, its not all nappies and cleaning, so give him a break.

[PeachBellini123]

I agree with other posters he should spend time with the baby but working those hours plus a commute must be bloody knackering.

Is he happy about you not working? I think the comment about being the sole breadwinner is telling...

[Colby43443]

My dh works from home and would never expect me to cook or do chores when I come home from work in the evening. I do my chores over the weekend.

Also is nappy changing 5 mins after he comes in really the best way he can spend time with your son? Can't he do bathtime or a feed or something else? Coming home to a partner bombarding you with things she should have had sorted before you came home can't be pleasant.

Oh and I don't believe for a second that he actually takes his trousers off like that.

[Slothlikesundays]

I agree with pp that it sounds like he's doing a lot. My dp is sole earner at the moment. I plan and cook meals, do all childcare (he works away 4-5 days a week), cleaning looking after pets and walking the dog. His time off is spent unwinding and looking after our daughter (he does all gardening and jobs around the house)He only helps with housework if we're having a big clean (maybe once a month). We have a 3 bedroom house and cleaning top to bottom takes me two hours with maybe an additional half an hour tidying a day.
He used to leave stuff lying around. I now put it in his office and don't touch it until he's sorted it out. Works for us.
It may seem an outdated set up to some but his long commute and long hours are really tiring and i think him spending time with dd is more important than doing jobs. He only has a finite amount of time. I agree your dp should do more childcare but focus on him spending quality time with your child. Nappy changing isn't a big deal. Maybe if you encouraged him to do stuff that wasn't just the drudgy jobs he'll do more nappy changes. As it stands he's only seeing spending time with them as a chore.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Fgs he is not "doing a lot"! He is going to work and cooking an evening meal. There are families up and down the country where both parents work full time and both come home to cook and do everything else that OP is doing. There are single parent families who are doing all of that on their own. Cooking the evening meal is not "a lot" it's the minimum I would expect from a fully functioning adult with a family.

[formerbabe]

Most of his days off we spend out somewhere or doing the weekly shop

Why are you wasting his days off by doing the weekly shop? I have never understood couples who do the weekly shop together. It only takes one person. As it is, I don't think the situation sounds too dreadful. Im a sahm and do pretty much all housework and cooking. He shouldn't be leaving clothes on the floor though.

[Trifleorbust]

You should have similar leisure time, so there is no way you should be running round after him all evening, even if he does cook the evening meal. On the other hand, if you have a lot of spare time during the day, it does seem reasonable for you to do more in the evening. Hard to say without knowing how much you get done, whether there are waking nights for you, etc.

What is absolutely non-negotiable is basic cleaning up after himself. He should not be leaving his clothes for you to pick up!

[JenLindleyShitMom]

A weekly shop takes about 40 minutes. It doesn't take two days. He could have it done on his way home from work on a Friday evening. He could do click and collect order in his lunch break at work.

Not sure why it is OP wasting his days off. surely he is wasting his own.

[arethereanyleftatall]

I think doing every evening meal, and the weekly shop is doing something.
Both are things that I would say are easier for the person at home that be doing.

[harderandharder2breathe]

He should pick up after himself but he's not doing nothing! He cooks from scratch after a long day at work plus comute.

You shouldn't have to do everything but tbh if you're home all the time and he's working 40+ hours s week, I would expect you to do more of the day to day chores like laundry, hoovering etc

He should spend time with his kids in the evenings but changing s nappy as soon as he walks through the door is s bit much. I'd expect him to share bath and bed routine though.

[BackforGood]

If you are home all day with one dc, and he is working 40hrs+ (plus presumably some traveling), then he comes in and cooks the main meal, then I think he's got a point.

When I went back to work when ds was 3 months old (that's all the maternity leave we got then), dh was at home 2 months before ds went to childcare, I wouldn't expect to have to walk in and start cooking every night, tbh, and nor did dh when I was on maternity leave with dc2.
OK, so you need to talk to each other about basic expectations of tidiness, but it seems like you have the better balance at the moment.