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to think if someone tells you a secret that's not to be shared with anyone, you keep it to yourself!

(45 Posts)
tinselface Mon 28-Nov-16 16:51:04

I love my mum but she's terrible at keeping secrets! She has been told something which directly affects )in a negative way) a group of people I care for very much and was told that she absolutely must keep the information to herself for now.

At the first available opportunity she tells me then swears me to secrecy, even though we both know that if the people affected (my DH included!) find out I knew before them, they might be upset that I didn't tell them.

Now I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place - if I forewarn the people I care for then mum gets into trouble and a big fall out will most likely happen. If I don't tell anyone and pretend to be surprised/shocked (not sure which reaction fits!) when the news finally comes to light, I have to hope no one asks me if I already knew so I don't anyone or have to lie.

This is not the first time she has done this but usually it's happy news that has no real consequence if I know or not. It makes me think that I can no longer tell her anything I don't want the world to know and that makes me feel quite sad.

After our phone call ended, she rang back twice to make me promise I wouldn't tell anyone as she'd get into trouble and on the second occasion I was a bit shirty with her. I've told her she should tell anyone who tries to tell her something in confidence that they shouldn't as she can't keep things to herself, which upset her a little. I am sure IANBU to think that if someone tells you a secret, you should bloody well keep it to yourself, am I?!

TheSnowFairy Mon 28-Nov-16 16:55:03

YANBU and especially so if you have to keep secrets from your DH.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Mon 28-Nov-16 16:56:49

Yanbu at all. I wouldn't be keeping the secret from dh though. It's tough shit if your mum gets it in the neck, she shouldn't have put you in that position.

tinselface Mon 28-Nov-16 16:56:52

Sorry that should read 'so I don't have to upset anyone or lie'... need to proofread better!

JellyBelli Mon 28-Nov-16 16:57:08

YANBU, and if this involves an official confidentiality issue, I'd report her.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Mon 28-Nov-16 16:59:31

Tbh if it's that confidential whoever told your mum should've kept quiet too. If you don't want anyone to know don't tell anyone!

Gymnopedies Mon 28-Nov-16 17:00:30

I don't know. Would she tell anyone or only you because you are her daughter?
Also have to question why the person has told her something that would strongly affect her son in law but has to be kept secret? Seems a bit mean.

HeddaGarbled Mon 28-Nov-16 17:00:46

The real problem here is the secret keeping. I can see no reasonable reason for this third party telling your mum this secret whilst swearing her to secrecy. It's just drama making. Get it all out in the open and then hopefully they'll be more mature in future.

humblesims Mon 28-Nov-16 17:03:01

In your position I would tell my DH. She has put you in a no win situation and she needs to take the consequences of that. Its a toughie though , I do see that.

OohhThatsMe Mon 28-Nov-16 17:06:32

But you can't all say she's at fault for not keeping secrets and then recommend that she breaks confidentiality herself and tells her husband!

wakeupandsmellthecoffee Mon 28-Nov-16 17:06:45

When people say to me can I tell you something and you must promise not to tell any one I say I can't promise that as I don't know what it is so how can I promise not to say.
It usually works for me and then they think twice before saying anything. In your position I would tell my DH as if he did it to you that would not be s good relationship.

Arfarfanarf Mon 28-Nov-16 17:07:22

I would tell my husband if i came into posession of information that he needed.
I would not allow him to be adversely affected so i could keep a secret for a blabbermouth.

Perhaps she needs to see what happens when she opens her gob and learn in future.

Gottagetmoving Mon 28-Nov-16 17:09:01

YANBU, and if this involves an official confidentiality issue, I'd report her

Seriously? Report her own mother? hmm
OP, You are right, your mother should have kept the secret and not told you unless she agreed you could also tell. By your own standards, you can't tell your DH.

MrsSnootch Mon 28-Nov-16 17:10:50

I wouldn't keep her secret, I would tell my husband

Benetration Mon 28-Nov-16 17:11:24

When you say your mum would be in trouble, what do you mean?
Trouble at work and potentially disciplined? Trouble with friends who might go NC with her?

I wouldn't keep anything from my DH. I would've told my mum that she'd put me in a horrible situation essentially asking me to choose between her and my DH. I wouldn't told her that I'd lost quite a lot of respect for her.

Sorry you're in this situation, OP. It must be so tough.

myoriginal3 Mon 28-Nov-16 17:11:54

It would entirely depend on the information.

FloodMud Mon 28-Nov-16 17:13:08

For me, I wouldn't keep a secret involving DH from him, so I would tell the person telling me that outright. I care more about being honest with DH than not getting another person in trouble.

JellyBelli Mon 28-Nov-16 17:13:09

Seriously? Report her own mother?
Yes, seriously. Its disgusting to take a job where you are supposed to keep confidentiality then break it. How would you feel if you were on the receiving end?
I dont listen to secrets. this is why. Its malicious and nothing good comes from it.

tinselface Mon 28-Nov-16 17:18:55

The information is not anything that breaks any laws and no one will suffer in any physical or monetary way by learning the information but I think there will be some emotional upset and relationships which are already strained will become, most probably, worse (between the creator of the news and the people I care for - sorry to talk in riddles, I don't want to out myself).

The people who told my mum knew that in doing so, they were putting her in an awkward position as the information, when it comes to light, will cause upset for people I care for. So I'm also quite annoyed with the people who told my mum - they would have known that my mum would have wanted to/not been able to keep it from me and now the responsibility of it going not further rests on my shoulders. I can't tell DH as he will not be able to keep it to himself and then I'm just transferring the burden to him.

In future I am going to say what a PP has said, that I am not to be told anything that the teller is not happy to go further and I can only hope that the creator of the news goes public with the information ASAP. Why can't people just be honest?! I hate this 'promise you won't tell anyone' crap!

pklme Mon 28-Nov-16 17:20:03

It was unfair of the person with the secret to tell your mum. It is a lot to ask, especially if it has upset her.

Does the secret have to be kept? Could your DM tell the source that it has to be shared now?

tinselface Mon 28-Nov-16 17:20:18

It's not related to a job - it's a family/friends situation which will cause upset. She hasn't broken the official secrets act - sorry for being vague! smile

Arfarfanarf Mon 28-Nov-16 17:21:15

I agree with you.
I dont play

Promise you wont tell anyone

No. No i wont promise that. I may need to tell people. Depends what it is.

Benetration Mon 28-Nov-16 17:24:39

TBH, if your mum isn't at risk of losing her job or being arrested then I wouldn't give a shit what upset it caused.

It seems like the secret has just been passed down the line, from the first person to your mum, to you, potentially now to your DH. It's shit. Someone further back needed to keep their fat gob shut.

I'd tell DH. I'd tell him the context (i.e. that you mum asked you to keep quiet) but I would tell him you don't give a shit who he tells as, for you, it's not a secret.

Your mum will be upset but she should've kept her mouth shut and not put you in such a awkward position.

SmilingButClueless Mon 28-Nov-16 17:26:40

I would never expect someone to keep a secret from their spouse (excepting stuff like birthday surprises). So from that perspective I think she's being unreasonable and I'd tell DH, swearing him to secrecy if necessary.

Expecting to keep it a secret from the others, probably not such a big deal. You can always blame your mother if it comes out that you knew before they did?

OohhThatsMe Mon 28-Nov-16 17:29:34

But, SmiligButClueless, that means that nobody can confide in someone who's married, because what they say will be repeated to that person's partner. If I tell my friend something, I might not want her husband to be told. I might not like him but in any case, it's nothing to do with him! If you can't be trusted to keep quiet, you need to tell your friends in advance.

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