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To change my name

(26 Posts)
fairgame84 Mon 28-Nov-16 15:25:36

ExDP thinks IABVU.
DS has exDPs surname and is 11 years old. DS is my only dc and I don't plan on having any more. DS is now at an age where I can take him abroad and we can both enjoy a nice holiday.
I've read a few articles about difficulties with border controls when parent and dc have different surnames so I want to change my surname by deed poll so that I have DS's surname.
ExDP thinks that I am 'crazy' and says that changing my surname to HIS surname is wrong. He said that he doesn't want me to take DS abroad without him knowing and that it's HIS surname. My argument is that it is DS's surname and it doesn’t belong solely to exDP.
I'm on ok terms with exDP after a very turbulent period where we were nc for 3 years. I had no idea where he was when we were nc and if it happens again then I just want to get on with my life without trying to track him down because I want to take DS out of the country.
I've got no plans to take DS abroad for anything more than a holiday. Ex is very controlling and I think part of this is that he wants to know where I am and what I am doing.
I don't want to change DS's surname to mine because it's part of his identity and he also has SN so would struggle to adjust to a new name. I am not attached to my surname at all, it's quite a common surname.
So AIBU?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Mon 28-Nov-16 15:27:06

Yanbu at all. Do it and don't tell your ex, he will never know.

fairgame84 Mon 28-Nov-16 15:28:36

That was my plan elsa. He is the type to look at my mail while he is visiting DS so he would probably find out eventually.

StefCWS Mon 28-Nov-16 15:28:49

you don't need to change your name to your sons surname to take him on holiday, there will be no issue there. But I do understand that as you only have 1 child you would like the same surname as him. Just change it and dnt tell him its got nothing to do with him what yiur name is anyway

Allthebestnamesareused Mon 28-Nov-16 17:10:45

If your ex visits DS at your home just put your mail away hmm

MaidOfStars Mon 28-Nov-16 17:59:48

You're an adult. You can change your name to whatever the hell you want.

Bigpizzalover Mon 28-Nov-16 20:17:21

Me and my DS have different surnames he has his fathers - my EXP, I now have a new partner, with again a different surname, we recently went abroad (September this year so very recent) and the only question asked at border control as 3 of us all have different was our relation. I do think it's a bit strange to take on a previous partners surname, if anything with exs consent I would double barrell DS surname so we shared 1 name within it

Wonkydonkey44 Mon 28-Nov-16 20:32:27

Just take child's birth cert with u , that's all I've ever done and it's been fine x

SaltyBitch Mon 28-Nov-16 20:39:53

Double barrel your name?

Greengoddess12 Mon 28-Nov-16 20:43:11

None of your ex business do what suits you op.

FarelyKnuts Mon 28-Nov-16 20:46:07

Change your child's surname to yours or double barrel it?

harderandharder2breathe Mon 28-Nov-16 20:49:30

I think it's an odd thing to do

Just take birth certificate and make sure you let ex know you're taking DS out of the country (not saying ask permission but wouldn't you want to know if ex was taking him away?)

fairgame84 Mon 28-Nov-16 21:06:20

Thanks for the replies.
I thought I would still need a letter of consent even if I took the birth certificate but I think I've got a bit confused with it all.
I'll leave my name as it is and take the birth certificate.

datingbarb Mon 28-Nov-16 21:27:44

I really don't understand all this surname/ abroad business

My dd's were 1,3,5 when my and exh spilt and I went back to my maiden name. Since then I have I have taken them on loads of holiday and have never been stopped or questioned

Willyoujustbequiet Mon 28-Nov-16 22:00:28

You can call yourself whatever the hell you like. It's got nothing to do with your ex.

SmallTownTwirl Mon 28-Nov-16 22:03:26

I would learn to accept that your child has a dif sur name.

I did. So i get it honestly. But it ceases to matter if your mindset changes.

I ve never had trouble at airports with my dc having a dif sur name

Babypassport Mon 28-Nov-16 22:04:37

It can be quite difficult in some countries (Switzerland and Denmark spring to mind) and the birth certificate is not enough to guarantee you passage. I've considered changing my name for the same reason.

SmallTownTwirl Mon 28-Nov-16 22:07:08

Never had a problem in Denmark. Been to Denmark twice with my kids. Not an eyelid batted. Any if anybody asks, you reply, they have their father's sur name. I did not marry their father thank god

PoldarksBreeches Mon 28-Nov-16 22:07:11

You want to change your surname to your ex's just so you can take your child on holiday without a photocopy of his birth certificate? Talk about an overreaction. You literally need a photocopy of his birth certificate. Permission is a separate issue and won't make any difference what your surname is.

SmallTownTwirl Mon 28-Nov-16 22:10:06

So do you think foreign authorities are unaware that about 30% of babies arent born to a married couple? Or that women keep their own sur name more and more!

ShallNotBeNamed Mon 28-Nov-16 22:19:39

You don't need a letter of consent, DP's ex takes his kids away without consent
I personally wouldn't change my name to my ex's especially as you don't need to

Thatwaslulu Mon 28-Nov-16 22:24:34

America can be really funny about different surnames. DS has my maiden name and I took DH's name when we married. When we visited the States, the border guards quizzed us about our relationship to DS, and didn't seem to understand that DH was not his stepdad but his dad - they kept asking why his name was different if he was our child. However my DSS has been on holiday with my parents and didn't have any problems (and they didn't need a letter of consent, and he wasn't even related to them!).

CadmiumRed Mon 28-Nov-16 22:36:19

You don't need your ex's permission to take him out of the country if you have residency and it is for up to 28 days.

Take his birth certificate.

Your DS is 11. They might say to him - who is that? he will say 'My Mum'. that's that.

MsJudgemental Mon 28-Nov-16 22:40:46

I have a different surname from my son. He has his Dad's ( who is my husband) and I have my Dad's. We have never had an issue travelling or with anything else.

TheyCallMeBell Tue 29-Nov-16 09:09:21

I've never had a problem taking DD abroad. She has exh's surname, I have mine and DP has another. I always take birth, marriage and divorce certs and occasionally a letter of consent, depending on where we're going. I've never been asked for them. It's really not the drama it gets made out to be.

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