Would you support him?

[Toastbutterandpreserves]

NC for this and it's long!

I'm in a quandary. My DH has wanted to be self employed for years and I have refused to entertain it, for reasons that will become clear. Whilst I obviously can't tell him what to do I told him that I would make the decision to leave the marriage if he did.

15 years ago my DH had 2 businesses liquidated within a few years of each other. Both were badly managed by him (although there were of course other factors) and both left us with significant debts which took us the next 10 years to repay.

We are finally free of that time but it was extraordinarily stressful- my DH had a breakdown and was hospitalised for a short time and I spent half the time having panic attacks.


He has never managed to work well for other people and has resented every moment of the years he has worked for someone else. It has provided a (low) wage and stability but he has been miserable and he has complained constantly and spoken about nothing else but working for himself, for all these years

He is now adamant that he will not be going back to work after Christmas

However. This is somewhat different in that he wants to be a self employed consultant rather than run a company. He says its 15 years on and he is older and has learnt a lot and matured.

Also, we both work FT and we have twins in FT childcare. It is very very hard to cope with us both commuting and I can't deny that him working from home would be hugely helpful and improve all
of our lives massively.

I am the breadwinner. He earns enough to cover childcare and that's it. However, this childcare will still need to be paid for so there are risks associated with him going it alone if he doesn't earn anything.

I am now wondering whether I am being churlish and making him miserable, and whether I should simply give in and agree a 3/6 months trial. For context I Believe it will be fairly easy for him to get a job after this time if it doesn't work out.

But, I don't really trust him to stick to any trial. I have a sneaking suspicion it will be stretched out and out because the reality is he doesn't want to go back to working for a company so why would he?

[ZoFloMoFo]

No I wouldn't support him.

For the simple reason that you don't trust him to stick to an agreement about a trial and returning to paid employment if it doesn't work out.

Plus I would not want him in the position of being classed as "main carer" of the children if he's "working from home", or rather, not working. That wouldn't work for me if I were seriously considering splitting up.

[MrsMozart]

What sort of consultant?

Why does he think he'll be at home more?

I'm a consultant. I work stupid hours and have long commutes to clients' sites. Clients tend to be clingy and want/need to see their resource.

I often work from base (currently home but we're sourcing an office). I'm no fun though as the workload is at least the same as if I were in a client office. Sometimes I have to be away five days a week.

It's a good life with lots of variety, but one has to be flexible, good with money (VAT waits for no man), good with time management, get on well with people in barking mad situations and not let it get to know one, and generally be able and willing to deal with the dross that clients aren't willing or able to deal with. As for time off... clients want what they want when they want it. A two week holiday is never at the right time to suit deadlines!

[Toastbutterandpreserves]

Not a typical consultant hired for projects and so on - he'd be a type of estate/ Managing agent. No travel but I don't think he can expect to work any less than 8-6 as standard. His argument is he spends 4 hours a day commuting now and he could just work. He'd be making the profit rather than a commission.

I agree that the fact I don't have trust he can stick to agreed trials is a problem.

[Soubriquet]

I would give him one last chance

If he's that miserable and this was only way for him to be happy

But make it clear it's his last chance.

[Thefishewife]

If it happens once shame on him if it happens twice shame on you


He can't run his own buniness if you have gone in to liquidation twice then sorry he's no Alan suger personally I resent working for others but I have bills to pay

however if he only earns enough to pay child care why are you bothering at all may as well stay at home and look after the children and the home

[Pisssssedofff]

Consulting in what exactly ? SAP or a surgeon ... Not great examples but you know what I mean. Makes a huge difference as to how successful he'll be

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

He has never managed to work well for other people

That rings alarm bells for me. Does he not like being told what to do?

I'm self employed. Waiting months to get paid is hell. How will you cope financially if clients drag their heels at paying you?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"But, I don't really trust him to stick to any trial. I have a sneaking suspicion it will be stretched out and out because the reality is he doesn't want to go back to working for a company so why would he?"
Well, you've said that "Whilst I obviously can't tell him what to do I told him that I would make the decision to leave the marriage if he did." So if he tried to stretch it out it would be at the expense of his marriage. But you would have to say it and mean it; otherwise, he's got you over a barrel.

You said the two businesses he ran (into the ground) were badly managed by him. Why does he think he would manage them better now? What actions has he taken to increase his ability to manage?

[Foxysoxy01]

Can he do a evening course (one specially designed for running your own business) first to prove he is better at managing money/people/time etc?

Once he has shown that he will take the time to improve himself then I think it only fair to give it a go, with an absolute promise that you both give it 6 months and you will then both need to review the books and see where you go from there? Maybe with a target of x amount of money and x amount of customers?

[Pisssssedofff]

He's said he ain't going back after Christmas ... He ain't going back and to hell with OP and the kids, they be alright she will support them. You can put in as many clauses as you like, I strong suspect he's going to do exactly as he pleases

[eddielizzard]

doesn't sound to me like you have much faith in him?

given that you're the main bread winner and his salary doesn't really cover childcare perhaps it would be better for him to work part time and look after kids? how old are they?

[Toastbutterandpreserves]

He thinks he would manage better this time because it's less risky (he doesn't need any funding although of course as you rightly point out very bitchy- clients not paying would be a problem, and was a big part of the problems with the other business)
he's older and wiser and he just wants a better work life balance and more money, not to be the next Alan sugar. He wants to maximise his earning potential but also wants to do simple work/ life balance things like exercising/ preparing food/being able to deal with personal admin (stuff he genuinely doesn't have time to do now due to the nature of his work) he thinks we will all be happier and better off with him closer to
Home and more flexible.

So that's his argument. It's all correct, and we aren't coping well with 2 working away from home parents but funny how the answer just happens to be exactly what he wants.

[ZoFloMoFo]

So he's presented you with some kind of plan, he's been advertising and looking for work already, he's got a bunch of work lined up starting in January, he's talked through with you how you'll both manage financially until work picks up, he's got a good idea of when he'll actually be making a decent wage?

Or he just said "I'm not going back to work after Christmas, I'm going to be a consultant" and that's about as far as he's got with it?

[Toastbutterandpreserves]

I have asked him in the past whether he would like to be a SAHP and he doesn't want to. DT are tiny- only 2.

[Toastbutterandpreserves]

He said he has a plan which he is happy to share and he also has the option of a sort of franchise (not something you put money up for but you are self employed using their brand) but he hasn't detailed anything and I can't decide whether I can even bear To hear it

[MilkTwoSugarsThanks]

If he "doesn't work well with people", how the hell is he going to deal with demanding clients on a daily basis? Or is he going in to a firm as a consultant? In which case he's working for/with other people but without any job protection.

If you are seriously considering ending the marriage be careful of allowing a situation to arise where he becomes the main carer.

[ZoFloMoFo]

Nope, I still couldn't get past the fact that you say you can't trust him to return to work if it doesn't work out.

He's badly managed two businesses, he can't work for people as employed, I can't see how being a 'consultant' is going to be any different.

I would put money on him stretching this out for about 3 years, then the urge to be a SAHP will kick in when the twins are say... about 5 years old and starting full time school.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

His track record isn't great, is it? I wouldn't agree to her terms BUT I would suggest that he makes preparation for this 'consultancy', ie. get a client - then takes a few weeks from his paid work on annual leave - and gives it a go. If he's so convinced that he can make it work then he will. If he doesn't well, no harm done.

I'm not convinced OP, I think he's considered HIS bottom line, ie. a better work/life balance for HIM and is flailing around with ideas peppered around but without basis, and is hoping that it will be a 'done deal' and there will then be no choice.

Nevermind a plan that he is 'happy to share', that's not good enough. Ask him to draw up a proper plan for the family finances and management of childcare, etc. - then you can see where the land lies.

If he won't then NO, NO, NO!

[Toastbutterandpreserves]

That's an interesting point but I have to say I doubt it. I think the reason he doesn't want to be a SAHP because he doesn't think it's manly. He wants success and he can't get it in a traditional company because he's just boring and dispensable there. He doesn't have much political intelligence. He expects far too much in terms of reward and promotion.

He gets on with people fine, he just hates being told what to do in that environment. He's very well liked by clients. He just has a self employed mentality, and rather than get over it it dominates his working life.

[Toastbutterandpreserves]

That's a very good idea Lying

[HyacinthFuckit]

At this point in time, in a tight financial position and with so little concrete planning, no I wouldn't. I'd be looking at other ways to get the better work/life balance it sounds like your family need. He could be making plans, better ones than he's evidenced so far, for when they start school. Or at least for when the free hours kick in and you have a bit more wiggle room.

[redexpat]

I think due to the costs of childcare I would maybe suggest that he wait until the free hours kick in, or they start school so that the family would be better placed to take a financial hit. He could start up slowly by doing the research and groundwork, maybe taking on a client or 2 outside normal working hours.

[Toastbutterandpreserves]

Both good ideas

[Crispbutty]

I would give him a chance. Otherwise you are both going to be unhappy anyway by the sounds of it. His mistakes were a long time ago and he should have more business experience now to make it work.

[EssentialHummus]

He could be making plans, better ones than he's evidenced so far, for when they start school.

OP, I also hate being managed and frankly am a bit of a hermit. When I realised that this wasn't compatible with City law (who'd have thought) I started a "branching project" into my new career on evenings and weekends, to see if I could even attract clients. I stayed in my job until I could see that my new project was bringing in enough to pay the bills.

IMO this is what he needs to do.