To ask my DH to help...

(65 Posts)
Kerala2712 Mon 28-Nov-16 08:51:22

I am 20 weeks pregnant, we have a DD of 21 months. I have hyperemesis, and generally don't do pregnancy well. Up until 6 weeks ago DH worked away, and I worked bank shifts when I could get childcare (mostly late nights, usually 10 hours in A+E, so no predictable sitting down/peeing/breaks etc). He has changed his job to be working from home and self employed. This seems to mean making a few phone calls and frequently disappearing to the pub. We have a very bouncy springer spaniel.
As he's home more WE agreed that I would take on as many shifts as possible up til christmas to top up my mat pay (zero hours contract). I have worked 60+ hours almost all at night each week for the last two weeks (only two weeks).
Although he's good with DD, he doesnt do proper bedtime routine (waits til shes past it then slings in grobag with clothes on (last night not even new nappy) and puts her in bed- no story, cant be bothered with teeth etc. He doesn't pick up after himself or her, never 'sees' a job, has walked the dog three times in two weeks. He has begrudgingly allowed me an extra hour or two in bed in the mornings on post work days (constantly interrupted by 'wheres the...etc') and this morning (i finished a 12 hour shift at 2am, got in at two thirty) DD woke up at 5 (hoping thats a phase) - i got up and did getting dressed, teeth, breakfast, playing, cleaned up broken glass he hadnt been bothered to clear up properly last night, sorted out kitchen (total pigsty) changed bedlinen on Dd and spare room as mil coming to stay tonight. I woke him up at 7.30 and asked him to take DD to Nursery (she goes two days a week, so I can work, the last two weeks he's taken her most (not all) days) and he told me to f off, that i was being selfish, unreasonable and unfair and basically not pulling my weight. Prior to this last couple of weeks as he's worked so full on I have done every early morning, all night wakings before she slept through, all housework, admin, i even do his bloody tax return. Am i being unreasonable to ask him since he's home now to do more? Like walk dog, take to nursery when I've had three hours sleep and doing same shift today, clear up, at very least do proper bedtime routine etc? I feel like he's being lazy and childish, but not sure if its just me being pregnant and unreasonable (as he argues)

LineyReborn Mon 28-Nov-16 08:56:19

I hope your MiL sees what's going on and tells her son to grow the fuck up and start acting like a parent and decent human.

And you need to slow down.

NoCapes Mon 28-Nov-16 08:56:48

You lost me at 'sling her in grobag in clothes and not a clean nappy'

He's a shit dad, shit partner and a nasty piece of work
You are with him becaaauusseee...??

SpotTheDuck Mon 28-Nov-16 08:57:47

Jesus.

He's being horribly selfish, and completely not pulling his weight.

Are you happy with him in general?

I'm also pregnant with a toddler - if my DH was behaving like this I'd be moving out to go to my mums until he committed to serious changes.

MLGs Mon 28-Nov-16 08:59:56

Sounds horrendous. I'm worried you will make yourself ill going on that way.

He needs to seriously step up. I can't begin to breakdown just how much more he ought to be doing. And he's neglecting your dd to boot.

DoItTooJulia Mon 28-Nov-16 09:01:56

He's a twat. A nasty twat at that.

Apart from kicking him out I have no constructive advice at all I'm afraid. I'm sorry your stuck in this. flowers

ElspethFlashman Mon 28-Nov-16 09:03:20

He's a shit Dad.

Shit shit shit.

Wake up. He is not a good man. He doesn't want to know.

wotoodoo Mon 28-Nov-16 09:16:02

Why would you clean up after you dh op?

Seriously?

Why?

Text your mil and send pre tidied photo's of what he's like to live with.

May be his mother did everything for him and didn't expect help from the men of the house? It might be a cultural thing.

If it's not your culture and you didn't marry into that culture then there is no reason why you should be dumped on like that.

He is vile but you are letting him be vile by cleaning and tidying and enabling.

You need to set the boundaries and get rl help or your physical and mental health will be shot to pieces.

Let's be clear, there are plenty of cultures where a pregnant woman is revered, looked after, and spoilt rotten in a lovely way so choose how it's going to be for you, spell it out how you want to be treated and if he can't or doesn't want to bother, care or be kinfd and thoughtful to you then you know where you stand.

It goes without saying you need an excellent role model for your dc in your lives, if not it is physically and emotionally damaging to all of you.

SEsofty Mon 28-Nov-16 09:17:29

I know it's too late now, but why are you having a second child with someone who can't look after the first child?

ZoFloMoFo Mon 28-Nov-16 09:22:11

Although he's good with DD

Why do posters always preface their posts with crap like this ^ then reel off a list of examples of how their partners are a totally shit parent?

He's a shit father, a shit partner and a shit dog owner.

WordGetsAround Mon 28-Nov-16 09:25:34

To have had one child with this man may have been an accident, but to be having a second is absolutely ridiculous. Why on earth would you do this to yourself / your child?

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Mon 28-Nov-16 09:28:56

He's not good with your daughter though is he? Not even being bothered to put a clean nappy on her so she's comfortable through the night.

He sounds selfish and lazy - who lies about in bed til 7:30 knowing their pregnant wife has been working til 2am? Sounds really childish but I'd be telling his mother exactly what her son was like - and asking her to make up her spare room for him.

expatinscotland Mon 28-Nov-16 09:31:22

He's a selfish fucker, not a good dad. What's sad is that it took you procreating twice with this twat to start to realise what a total dickhead he is. It's not 'help', it's pulling his own weight in life, but he doesn't and won't and gaslights you to hell, telling you YOU are not pulling your weight, telling you to fuck off, that you're selfish.

As the mother of a daughter, it chills me to the core that she might wind up thinking a total arsehole like this is worth anything more than the shite on her shoe.

No, you are not being unreasonable.

He's a shithead. Sadly, there's little potential for this to change.

cestlavielife Mon 28-Nov-16 09:33:11

"changed bedlinen on..spare room as mil coming to stay tonight."

let him sort out his mother's bedlinen for a start.
stop doing things for him.

" i even do his bloody tax return"
just why?

ohfourfoxache Mon 28-Nov-16 09:35:28

Nasty, nasty bastard angry

WouldHave Mon 28-Nov-16 09:41:22

I'd be worried about this "self-employed" thing. If all he is doing is making a few phone calls, what sort of income is he bringing in?

expatinscotland Mon 28-Nov-16 09:42:45

And disappearing for hours. What a prize. Who's idea was it to get the dog? Let me guess? What a fucking wanker.

Nanny0gg Mon 28-Nov-16 09:43:32

I hope his mother is on your side and that his upbringing is not responsible for the pig he has grown into.

He has no redeeming features and it won't change.

Sorry. flowers

WhatsGoingOnEh Mon 28-Nov-16 09:44:09

Reding this has made me so upset on your behalf. I just want to give you a hand, and a huge hug.

NO you are anbsolutely NOT being "pregnant and unreasonable". he is acting like a selfish, lazy wanker who is neglecting his wife, his child and his unborn child.

Please, please slow down. This can't be good for you, the baby, or the prople you're looking after at work. Three hours' sleep? FFS! I could punch him in the face, honestly. What a twat.

Can you go and stay with your parents?

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Mon 28-Nov-16 09:44:42

Sorry, why are people mentioning involving MIL? Have I missed something?

OP, I'm really sorry you're being treated like this. DH was scarily similar in the early days (when now 19 year old DS1 was little). I couldn't see just how wrong it all was at the time and, thankfully, he has now grown up and is actually a decent father. It does upset me that DD has a better father than DS1 did (although it's the same man IYSWIM).

I truly wish I'd been able to see the problems the way an outsider sees them and do something about it years ago. What actually happened with us is that a mutual resentment built and built over the years until he actually ended up having an EA because he had no emotional connection left with me anymore. It's true that I didn't involve him in much, or ask him to help with much - because the previous 20 years had taught me that I'd be doing it all on my own anyway.

It's taken 10 months of separation, counselling and 'reconnecting' to get to a better place.

Of course, this isn't what happens for everyone, it's just my experience. But having read your OP and recognising your life as mine around 17 years ago - with a young DS1, pregnant with DS2, working night shifts in a nursing home & doing everything else too, I just had to share this with you.

Your DH certainly needs to wake up & grow up. This doesn't always just happen - he needs to be given some home truths and start being a responsible husband and father right now.

CocktailQueen Mon 28-Nov-16 09:48:28

(waits til shes past it then slings in grobag with clothes on (last night not even new nappy) and puts her in bed- no story, cant be bothered with teeth etc.

Who the fuck does that? Your 'h' is a nasty shit.

Abusive, uncaring, and a shit dad and partner.

You deserve a hell of a lot more, op.

Candlelight123 Mon 28-Nov-16 09:49:19

Your doing too much and he's not doing enough.
Don't pick up after him, if he's left a broken glass out, get him to move it, tell him repeatedly until he does it, if he doesn't put a new nappy on, make him get up and change it when you come in, before your dd pees through it and ends up soaked. It will be very painful to do this, but the only way he will improve sad

KatharinaRosalie Mon 28-Nov-16 09:50:00

he's NOT good with his daughter. He can't be bothered to change a nappy, clean up broken glass and to make sure she does not have to eat in a kitchen that looks like a pigsty.
He's certainly not a good husband. You are not unreasonable.

PeppaIsMyHero Mon 28-Nov-16 09:51:49

He needs to pull his weight, whether or not you're pregnant.

Do you want to stay with him?

LineyReborn Mon 28-Nov-16 09:53:16

Sorry, why are people mentioning involving MIL? Have I missed something?

Because she's turning up to stay tonight. She'll be witnessing all this first hand.

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