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to think my mum doesn't care about me.

(17 Posts)
tigersbuddy Sun 27-Nov-16 23:25:37

Long story short my mum used to help me and my sister out with childcare. My sister the beginning of the week, me the end- I would pay for additional childcare for the days my mum didn't have the kids but couldn't afford anymore than what I was already paying for.
My mum then told us both that she couldn't cope with the demands that were being put on her and we needed to make alternative arrangements.
I did as I was asked and was lucky enough to be able to cut my hours at work and only work school hours.
My sister on the other hand did nothing......made her excuses and told my mum there was nothing she could do......and my mum was forcing her to quit her job- she works long shifts 7-7 so granted childcare is tricky.
Fast forward a few months and my mum is still looking after my sisters children on the arranged days- she begins to have money problems. ( I should point out that having reduced my own working hours we were significantly worse off and I was struggling to make ends meet)
sister then advised mum she needed to work an additional shift a week and mum said ok. This has been going on for quite some time.....all the while my mum complains about having to do it and how it is affecting her health. She has chronic fatigue disorder.
I have on numerous occasions tried to stand up to my sister and say what she is doing is wrong. Last time i tried this she attempted to hit me in front of our children then turned everuthinh around on me and made it all my fault. She emotionally guilty my mum and criticises everything she does in relation to the childcare. She pays nothing for the privilege even though my mum is feeding them and often has them overnight. She bitches nonstop about my mum behind her back.
This weekend I was taken ill. I was really poorly and was rushed to hospital. I got sent home to rest and I asked if my mum could pop round and help me put the kids to bed. She agreed and all was fine. Later today I received a call that today was her only day off and that she was a bit tired and had the other children early tomorrow so can someone else do it. There was no one else so I said I will manage. This is just one example of the many times visits, kids getting to see their nanny and sleepovers have been dropped with barely any notice because of the effects of having to micro manage my sisters life. It's ruining y relationship with my mum and her relationship with my children. They have asked why nanny loves the other children more than them. I have told her so many times before how it makes me feel and nothing changes. It hurts so much. What's worse is that I fainted in front of the kids tonight. They were petrified and I feel awful for putting them through that. Could have been completely avoided.

tigersbuddy Sun 27-Nov-16 23:26:15

I'm so sorry that was so long. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.

MommaGee Sun 27-Nov-16 23:30:50

Sorry to hear things are so tough ATM OP. Sounds like your mom doesn't know how to manage your sister and so you get dumped cos you're easier.
Is the kids Dad around? Anyone else who can help?
I'd say talk to Mom but unless she learns to say no to your sister...

pinkdelight Sun 27-Nov-16 23:35:01

I wouldn't lay this at your mum's door. She sounds completely under the cosh and needs time for herself not more childcare for anyone. It can't help to have you turning this into her not caring about you or your dc, and you can nip the nanny loves them more stuff in the bud by simply explaining about your sisters shifts. Your sister is selfish in making these demands on her I'll mother I agree, and awful for trying to hit you. She sounds like a problem, but not one you can fix, so if at all possible try not to focus on the unfairness and cut your mum some slack.

tigersbuddy Sun 27-Nov-16 23:38:07

I'm a single parent as is my sister. I'm completely outing myself so have name changed as anyone who knows us knows this is the deal.
I sat and sobbed earlier. It's like the grief of losing someone. If I didn't call my mum or visit we wouldn't see her. This is all killing her- she has had several brushes with death and fought them all off. My sister says all her health problems are in her head. It's very frustrating to be around my mum at times because she is ALWAYS ill but I know the symptoms she feels are very real and it must be exhausting for her.
I miss my mum so much. I have a brother too who is in the same boat as me. We don't bully her into doing things, if she says no we accept it, so we get dumped.......alot.

It really upsets me

tigersbuddy Sun 27-Nov-16 23:43:37

It's really hard. I am always the one she calls when my sister has upset her or when she's feeling down. I go and do her diy Nd garden. I totally get that my sister is manipulating her but I really needed my mum today. I wanted her to make sure I was ok and give me a hug. I know that sound juvenile but there are some situations that only your mum can make better.
I am very aware that my mums mind is a fragile place and never directly blame her. I just explain I miss our old relationship and that I am genuinely worried about her.

I have tried and failed many times to make my sister see she is destroying the whole family.....she doesn't care. Equally whilst she's having money problems and doing extra shifts to combat them she's booking expensive holidays and having new kitchens fitted.

MommaGee Mon 28-Nov-16 00:05:17

Could you and your brother speak to your mom gently to explain your concerns? Can bro help you at all with the kids ATM as you obviously need some extra support too

tigersbuddy Mon 28-Nov-16 00:13:01

My brother is brilliant with kids and helped lots this weekend.
We have done it before but I guess we could try again.

ChasedByBees Mon 28-Nov-16 00:17:40

Have you put it to her as bluntly as you have here? You should.

tigersbuddy Mon 28-Nov-16 00:22:19

My mum or my sister?

Colby43443 Mon 28-Nov-16 00:25:49

If she tried to hit you imagine what she might do to her kids? Maybe your mum's helping out because your sis can't cope?

tigersbuddy Mon 28-Nov-16 00:38:11

My mum is doing it so she can work. The idea of me changing my job or hours was perfectly acceptable to her but for her to change hers was out of the question. There are plenty of jobs in her field that are 9-5, she just refuses to entertain the question.
I have no worries about her kids, she is a good mum to them. I get that she is trying to provide for them but it's at everyone else's expense. She has such a sense of entitlement. She has even told my mum that she should be proud to be looking after the kids.

It's like my mum is stuck in an abusive relationship.

Graphista Mon 28-Nov-16 00:47:03

Sorry I have no advice but I totally get where you are as I'm in the same place. My sisters assaulted me on 3 separate occasions (for pulling her up on this kind of crap) she has all but destroyed my and my daughters relationship with my mother BUT can I just say to pp saying it's not the mums fault. In my case it is because she favoured and gave in to my sister all her life and still is, you reap what you sow. I'm now Nc with my sister following counselling just because we're related doesn't mean I have to tolerate this shit plus it was starting to affect my daughter.

My mums let me down on numerous occasions like the op times when I seriously needed her support I couldn't even get her on the phone. I'm very low contact with mum and probably should go Nc with her too but I can't do it, very hard to cut off your mum.

But it's heartbreaking and unfair flowers for op and hope you're doing much better soon.

tigersbuddy Mon 28-Nov-16 01:06:09

Sorry to hear of your situation but it's such a relief to know I'm not alone. It wasn't the first time she has tried to hit me. She did it a few years earlier because I dared puller her up on something else.

Tonight I should be trying to rest......I have no choice but to go to work tomorrow as I have some really important meetings. I can't sleep. It's really upset me and it makes me quite depressed at times. I have always been the one to accept no and back down. Sometimes I have a little strop but no is an acceptable answer without an explanation. It just feels all my life my mum has gone "oh it's only tigers buddy, she won't mind"
tonight she had a choice and once again I wasn't the choice. I'm dreading Christmas and the facade that everything is all rosey and we are a normal functional family.

Graphista Mon 28-Nov-16 01:41:17

Yes I get what you mean about not being alone.

My mums actually said 'I don't need to support you you've always been self sufficient' - that was in response to discussing the lack of support when I had my first mc!

I couldn't be like my sister and throw a strop/use emotional blackmail I would never forgive myself.

Try and rest and know it's not your fault.

tigersbuddy Mon 28-Nov-16 02:47:20

This afternoon the moment she started with the excuses I knew what was coming and tbh I don't have the energy to argue. So I calmly said there wasn't anyone else to help so I guess I will just have to manage. The thing I was admitted with flares up with stress and mum is aware of this. I put the phone down and sobbed. Just feel like I'm being robbed of my mum. I sometimes see glimpses of her but it's getting less frequent. We were so close :-(

Graphista Mon 28-Nov-16 13:54:11

Yea cos we know them we know the phrases and tone of voice when they're about to let us down AGAIN.

Hope you're feeling a little better today.

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