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To be extremely hurt by my mother or am i just being entitled?

(113 Posts)
HedgehogHedgehog Sun 27-Nov-16 22:28:26

My dad rings me and says as his mum has just died hes inherited quite a bit of money. He and his brother would like to help me and my husband and baby, buy a house.

This is amazing, i never expected that id be able to own my own home, theres no way me and my partner could afford a deposit around here.

We start looking at places.

It then transpires that my uncle has backed out of the arrangement due to my mothers reaction.
Apparently when my father was on the phone discussing it with his brother, my mother went mental at the concept saying 'how dare he imply what financial assistance they should give their own child' etc etc and that they werent going to do it.

This is one of a string of things that she has done.

She also convinced my other grandma to write me completely out of her will when she said that she was going to leave me a few thousand.

For info i am an only child and the only grandchild of both of these grandmothers. Im not some sort of tearaway, im married with a child.

Its not that i ever expected to get any of this money, i know im not entitled to it and its up to them what they do with it. Its just the principle of the matter.

They have just sold their second home to build a swimming pool in their first (they live in the south of France). My mother is talking about paying several thousand for a facelift.

AIBU to be quite hurt by this? Id been looking at little houses and getting quite excited about having somewhere permanent to live for my son. I dont want him to have the same upbringing as me, we moved over 17 times and it had a bad effect on me. I know i must sound spoilt to have expected that they would help me, its just that they said they would and now are not and that is very dissappointing.

I dont really understand it because if i had that kind of money i would certainly help my child put a deposit on a house. It seems like kind of a personal insult.

So as not to drip feed the total they inherited was over two hundred grand.

I guess im annoyed at myself that i got my hopes up about this, i should have seen it coming. Other people have to struggle to save for deposits and i have no real hope of ever saving for one. It was a bit of a fairy tale that i shouldnt have believed in.

QueenMe Sun 27-Nov-16 22:33:44

I don't understand your mum at all.
I wouldn't call that reaction normal.

Why would she not want to help you out?

Allthewaves Sun 27-Nov-16 22:37:12

Why has your dad and his brother let her dictate this?

fc301 Sun 27-Nov-16 22:40:05

Oh dear, how awful. You don't sound entitled you sound completely reasonable.
It's not you it's them. It's very selfish behaviour, you are right to be very disappointed and let down, but maybe not surprised?
I'm afraid that there is very little you can do here, as it is their money/their choice.
Try to manage without it and maintain the moral high ground / keep a clear conscience about your own conduct. Any attempt to explain your upset will be misinterpreted by them.

ConvincingLiar Sun 27-Nov-16 22:40:30

Your mum sounds like a cow. Tell your dad how upset you are.

HedgehogHedgehog Sun 27-Nov-16 22:40:35

they were both going to put a certain amount of money in, now my mother has offended my uncle and he no longer wants to get involved. I cant really say i blame him because he was trying to be helpful and just caused massive drama. My mother has always hated my uncle it goes back years but i cant believe she would put that above potentially helping me. Its quite hurtful.
I didnt ask for any of this btw it was suggested by my uncle which i think is what offended my mum, i think she thinks the implication is that she is selfish.

DeusExDomina Sun 27-Nov-16 22:41:17

I would be cutting my mother out of my life. You're not being entitled but personally, knowing someone wants to deny me the kindness of others really would destroy any hope of a relationship.

Mondegreens Sun 27-Nov-16 22:41:18

But why is your father letting your mother dictate what he does with money he inherited from his mother???

Mondegreens Sun 27-Nov-16 22:42:36

X-post. So your father is still going to help you with a deposit, it's his brother who has pulled out?

FastWindow Sun 27-Nov-16 22:43:19

How does your uncle have any say in what his brother does with his share?

HedgehogHedgehog Sun 27-Nov-16 22:44:27

yes you are right fc301. I didnt really comment when my dad told me about them not helping any more, I just said thats fine.
Its not worth more drama.
I guess i just wanted to know my pain was justified and you seem to agree it is so i feel a little better thankyou!!

birdladyfromhomealone Sun 27-Nov-16 22:45:17

I think that is really cruel OP I'm very sorry sad
Wouldnt your DF have discussed it first with your DM before making the offer to you?
I hope you can move on from this and forgive so one day you may reap your parents rewards.
When I inherited I shared it to help my kids- thats what you do!

FastWindow Sun 27-Nov-16 22:45:35

Or your mum, really, for that matter. It's not her relative. YANBU. Sorry it's your mum that is being awful.

HedgehogHedgehog Sun 27-Nov-16 22:47:35

My father wont help me now that its not being matched by his brother no.
Im not sure i have the energy to cut them out and they do love their grandson who loves them too. I love them as well they are just quite strange people sometimes. Im glad to hear its not just me who thinks that.

fc301 Sun 27-Nov-16 22:47:45

Your pain is very justified. You have been badly let down for selfish reasons by the very people who should have your back. It's Shitsville.

QueenMe Sun 27-Nov-16 22:49:33

I think it's very selfish they won't help you out in some way.

And not very understandable

HedgehogHedgehog Sun 27-Nov-16 22:50:27

birdlady no she overheard the initial phonecall where his brother suggested it. My uncle didnt back out until a couple of weeks later, citing in an email my mothers reaction. My father hasnt actually told my mother that my uncle has backed out for fear of her reaction. He asked me not to tell her until after christmas.

Wookiecookies Sun 27-Nov-16 22:50:31

What a horrible thing for your DM to do! What is your DF's take on her reaction and behaviour?

YouHadMeAtCake Sun 27-Nov-16 22:50:43

Exdomina yes. That's how I see it too. Sorry OP, it's incredibly cruel and selfish. Shame they can't just tell her to fuck off. I couldn't have a relationship with someone so spiteful.

Wookiecookies Sun 27-Nov-16 22:51:22

Ok, x post there, have you thought about contacting your uncle?

CalleighDoodle Sun 27-Nov-16 22:52:59

Youre not being entitled. They offered the money. Your mum is worried about looking selfish because she is selfish.

pipsqueak25 Sun 27-Nov-16 22:54:59

the men in your life need to man up and grow a pair against your mother imo, hope your df isn't paying for her face lift !

SmallTownTwirl Sun 27-Nov-16 22:55:45

how awful to have your hopes raised like that , to think your future will be secure, and then, your hopes dashed again.

Mondegreens Sun 27-Nov-16 22:55:59

I still don't get it. Why won't your father give you some money towards a deposit unless your uncle matches it? It was nice of the uncle to suggest it, but you're not his daughter, and surely any amount will help?

MudCity Sun 27-Nov-16 22:56:36

Really feel for you OP but you are not alone....my mother would do, and has done, similar. I now don't believe her if she offers support in anything. It's difficult but I now accept that this is just the way she is. We don't have a close relationship as a result.

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