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AIBU?

Nanny opening mail for DS

33 replies

MrsNuckyThompson · 27/11/2016 19:31

DS is 3.5. Our nanny has been with us for 2.5 years.

Obviously DS doesn't get a huge amount of mail but now that he is at kindergarten he's getting more party invitations and info from the school, either posted or handed out at school. She does pick up/ drop off 4 days per week.

I'm getting increasingly annoyed that she is constantly opening envelopes addressed to DS. I just feel this is overstepping the mark. She's his nanny, not his guardian. Examples over the last two weeks have included:

one thank you card for a birthday gift received;
letter from school telling us about DS' part in the nativity and what costume is needed (in book bag with DS' name on front, not ours)
parcel from my DM containing an advent calendar for DS (this was actually put away and not mentioned to me until a week later when I found it); and
a party invitation.

Other than the parcel (where we didn't acknowledge or thank DM for the gift for ages) there is no real consequence of her doing this. It just feels like an intrusion and I feel that as his parents we should be first to read/ find out these things. AIBU and WIBU to say something and ask her not to do this going forward or should I just take the view that as it does no real harm I should just get over it?

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harderandharder2breathe · 27/11/2016 19:32

It depends who would be responsible for dealing with this stuff? If it's her then yabu

But if it bothers you then just ask her not to open them and leave them somewhere for you to deal with. She's your employee, this is s reasonable request.

Scooby20 · 27/11/2016 19:33

It depends. When it's stuff from school is she the one arranging what's happening? So sorting out party attendance and that sort of thing.

The parcel, presumably delivered to home, is odd. But the school stuff not so much.

Believeitornot · 27/11/2016 19:34

Why didn't you mention it the first time it happened?

I have a nanny and she doesn't open the dcs post. I have asked her to start making a note of school letters and key dates in the calendar.

If your nanny does something you don't like you need to mention it and don't let it stew.

MrsNuckyThompson · 27/11/2016 19:35

Parties are normally at the weekend so no she doesn't organise attendance or gifts, I do that.

As someone said I guess i just need to talk to her. Just wanted to check if I was being over sensitive in caring in the first place!

OP posts:

MigsSlippers · 27/11/2016 19:40

Just ask her not to. It's not ridiculous to imagine she has just used her initiative and sees it as part of her job to keep on top of DS's admin. If you don't want her to that's fine, just say so.

Pineapplemilkshake · 27/11/2016 19:43

Just ask her not to. Maybe she's trying to be helpful? My mum looks after DS several times a week and never opens his letters. I'd say it's more likely that she doesn't know your feelings about it rather than deliberately being intrusive.

HRarehoundingme · 27/11/2016 19:45

I am a nanny.

If my charge is given a card - thank you/birthday/invite; either by hand or put in her bag/drawer then I give it to her to open and look at :) then I will have a quick peek before putting it on the noticeboard.

If there is a letter from school re school nativity or school trip then I will open so I can get stuff done - if it's a report or a letter written to the parents I don't open.

However I have been known to open letters from the hospital re check up meetings as I will be the one to call and arrange the appointment plus attend the meetings. HOWEVER my boss will get a text from me telling her ive booked the appointment then we will discuss in more detail when home. Sometimes lettters addressed to my employers re the children go unopened/dealt with for week/months so if its something I can manage then I do so - it's in my remit/job description.

LoisEighty · 27/11/2016 19:47

It's pretty normal for nannies to deal with child/school admin.

NannyR · 27/11/2016 19:48

I would never open anything addressed to my charge that came through the post or an official school letter, but I do check his book bag every evening for reading books and homework and I open stuff that is obviously invitations and thank you cards. I do ask him if he wants to open it but he's never really bothered. I would always leave them where mum could see them. I can't really see what the problem is with that.

WheresTheEvidence · 27/11/2016 19:49

I'm a nanny and that's part of my job. My bosses wouldn't be happy if something was overlooked because of their busy schedules - missed party, too late to rsvp to a school trip/buy nativity tickets etc. So I do it - because I have time and I can get on with doing it.

Bobsmum02 · 27/11/2016 19:51

Anything that looks like a party invitation etc could be just because your DS is excited and wants to open it but to open letters from school and especially letters which come in the post is very unreasonable and I agree an intrusion and I'd be very cross!

LIZS · 27/11/2016 19:51

Have you asked her not to? Maybe have a specific Intray for it.

AmserGwin · 27/11/2016 19:53

Just ask her not to! Problem solved

ZogsAnon · 27/11/2016 19:55

It was part of my description, would let my boss know details in our communication book though, or email. Just tell her you would rather do it yourself.

PineappleExpress · 27/11/2016 19:57

I wouldn't open anything without being told to by the parents.
Just tell her not to and ask her to put it where she would put all of your post for you to deal with later.

Squiffy01 · 27/11/2016 19:57

I think you are being a bit over sensitive.
If it is something to do with thank you cards/ invitations I give it to child to open cause they get excited. Any school correspondence I hope and out in the diary for parents to see and start organising for whatever it is.

Any parcels that arrive this time of year I won't open as it might be a present and don't know if it is wrapped or not so I just pop those aside.

MigsSlippers · 27/11/2016 19:58

I would LOVE to have help with the endless tide of paper coming back from school - costumes, home clothes days, trips diarised and forms returned. It is all part of keeping the show on the road with DC, just like keeping on top of their washing etc. Absolutely no need for you to grin and bear in if you don't want this OP, but it sounds to me like she is doing things that a previous employer might have appreciated or even expected.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 27/11/2016 20:00

Ask her not to but it's completely normal to do what she does.

Colby43443 · 27/11/2016 20:04

From my understanding you can pay extra for nannies to handle all the invitations/correspondance etc. One colleague had hers managing the child's social calender until School age. If you don't like it tell her to stop.

Karoleann · 27/11/2016 20:06

She's your employee.If you don't want her to open them, just ask her to leave on the side for you.

Its just probably something that she's done in a previous job, I wouldn't overthink it.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/11/2016 20:13

"the child's social calender until School age. "

A pre-school child has a 'social calendar'??

EssentialHummus · 27/11/2016 20:13

TBH I think she's making your life a lot easier, possibly without you knowing it.

I'd speak to her and arrange something like: costumes, school requirements --> nanny to action;
gifts --> don't open, leave in hall cupboard;
party invites --> add to my diary;
none of the above --> don't open, leave in hall cupboard;
note everything received in communication book or daily email

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Scooby20 · 27/11/2016 20:25

Ok you do parties. But does she make sure the costumes get there on the right day, that the rsvp gets there. If so it's fine she is opening it Imo. She won't know wether it's in her job role or not until she opens it.

But if you don't like it. Tell her. But don't blame her if something gets missed. Dh does our school run so does all the school admin

Colby43443 · 27/11/2016 20:42

Gwenhwyfar - usually invitations, gifts (giving and managing the ones received), party planning, thank you cards etc. The colleague in question is a coo in a bank and doesn't have much free time so she likes to spend it with her kids (rather than planning things for them).

user1472419718 · 27/11/2016 21:19

I used to nanny, and I was expected to do this as part of my role, and RSVP (after confirming with the parents) in addition to organising the children's activities and putting everything in on the family calendar.

Has your nanny been a nanny for other families? If all the other families expected this of her, she may have assumed that you prefer her to do this too.

Just let her know that you'd prefer her not to.

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