Step daughter being unreasonable

[snoopy2016]

My SD has over the last few months been "borrowing" things from my DD but this weekend was the final straw she borrowed her Pandora bracelet and has lost it when she was out with friends, we searched everywhere she's been but it's gone. This is a precious to my DD as once of the charms was given to her by my mum who passed away on the 24th October this year. My DD is devastated and hates her at the moment, normally my SD will borrow things and we find them in her room but this time shes gone too far, my OH has offered to get her a new one and all her charms back and has grounded my SD for a month no TV phone nothing she has to be straight in for school, which to be honest there isn't a lot more he could do. She said she took it because DD gets more than her which isn't true I recently bought them both Pandora rings for doing really well at school tests (I promised I would if they got above their set grades) they both got a lot higher than their set grades. My SD said that it's because I left her out when we recently went to a concert, she was invited but only decided the night before she wanted to come and the tickets had all gone but this was planned months ago and she kept saying she didn't want to come. I have now put a lock on my daughters door but OH said I should take it off I am refusing, he said that no bedroom doors should have locks but I disagree if it keeps DD stuff safe then it's staying, he is arguing that SD has learnt her lesson but it was always petty stuff before but she knew what the bracelet meant to DD, am I wrong in this?

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

YANBU at all. DSD is totally out of order and if she can't be trusted to 'borrow' then the lock stays on. It's not really on to have to put the onus on your daughter to lock things up, but I can't see any other way.

[Manumission]

Is your DD lending her precious things? (Why??) Or is "borrow" a euphemism?

[OurBlanche]

Not really.Your DD has the right to expect you, the adults, to protect her and her possessions. If your SD is not settled well and is pushing boundaries all the time then one of them is always going to feel hard done by.

I expect you have given SD the long hard talk about why DD is so distraught about this particular loss? How she took that should give you a good idea of why she is being contrary.

You may need to do something over and above the natural consequences of her actions... like counselling. Your OH needs to see that her behaviour is not acceptable and that he needs to get to the bottom of it!

[CalmItKermitt]

I'd tell your oh to get stuffed and keep locking the door. The girl is a thief.

[snoopy2016]

It was a euphemism she just goes in DD's room and takes things usually it's daft things like costume jewellery etc and she took some bath bombs but this time she took the bracelet and wore it out of the house and lost it I'm so mad right now I can't even look at SD I know OH has said he will but it all back but not going to be the same

[whoopsiedaisy123]

It sounds like your SD doesn't respect your DD things if she thinks its fair because in her opinion your DD gets 'more' than her.

How old are they?

[theclick]

She sounds like a brat, she also sounds like she's crying out for attention. Definitely make her/your OH replace it.

Can you use grammar in your comments by any chance? It's making your responses v hard to read!!

[Manumission]

Lock sounds sensible.

Has your OH got any rational argument against locks or is he "just" prickling against the implied criticism of his DD?

[snoopy2016]

We have sat her down and asked her why she did it and all she keeps saying is DD gets more, we treat them equally if DD needs new clothes I take SD too and spend the same on them each, I usually give them the same amount of money to spend as DD like Primark and SD like H&M and New look but they get the exact same money, but SD see's that as DD getting more spent on her but it's because DD buy cheaper clothes. We have sat her down and had a really long chat last night I explained how hurt DD is and that the bracelet can't be replaced but she just sat sulking and refused to talk to us.

[Manumission]

How old are they? I've just realised I was assuming secondary age.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Has she actually lost it do you think? A proper Pandora should have quite a secure clasp, so it would be very unlucky for it to have failed, and been lost. I am wondering if it is somewhere else...

[OurBlanche]

Just a thought. Aren't those pandora thingy's well made, strong catches?

SD may not have lost it. If she is really pissed off and feeling maltreated she could have given or thrown it away! I know my cousin did something similar to DSis when she lived with my parents for a while.

DSis was basically told to suck it up by our very supportive parents!!

[jerryfudd]

You are in the right. My dhs brother used to "borrow" his stuff without asking when they lived at home. Designer jeans, sunglasses etc. It was never seen again. He never admitted it. His parents never did anything about it. He moved out as soon as he was able and we bought a house (back in the days you could) and it probably saved him money on not having to replace his stuff continually. His brother got worse as his awful behaviour was always tolerated and dh and him are now nc, have been for years.

You are making a stand and your daughter will thank you for it. It might also teach the sd a lesson

[OurBlanche]

Snap

[snoopy2016]

SD is 13 DD is 14 and OH just keeps saying he doesn't like locks on doors, he said how can we get in if something happens. I have put a bolt on the inside and a padlock on the outside so not really a reasonable arguement as far as I can see.

[jerryfudd]

Poster above has a point. Could she have sold it? We always believed this is what dh brother did as the things couldn't be worn by him. Could you get her to admit it and buy it back if sentimental value?

[snoopy2016]

I wonder if it's "lost" too but I can't prove either way so I am going to have to assume it's lost, the other thought hurts even more, I first thought she had thrown it somewhere or hidden it. When we talked to her she is amendment she lost it.

[Yoarchie]

I'd take the lock off the door, I agree with your dp.
However, I would get a piece of lockable furniture to go in your dd's room. Eg cupboard that can lock, drawers that can be individually locked or similar.

[Scooby20]

I am sure you and dd don't like having a thief on the house. But you do have a thief in the house.

Sometimes what we want isn't possible. No locks on doors isnt possibke because sd is a thief. Your dh needs to understand that unless he can 100% be certain she isn't going to do it again he can't have what he wants this time.

[OurBlanche]

Tell him you don't like thieves and ask him how you are going to sort out the real issue?

[whoopsiedaisy123]

Given the age I reckon SD has lost it to spite your DD! She is old enough to realise its monetary and sentimental value!!

[Scooby20]

She doesn't need to to lock it when she is in there though really. Just when the room has no one in.

[whoopsiedaisy123]

oops meant her age

[OurBlanche]

As Scooby said... the lock is a response to an issue your household has. Get rid of the issue and the lock will no longer be needed.

Cause and effect - it isn't hard to understand

[ChaosTrulyReigns]

There's nothing wrong with snoopy's grammar, there's really no need for that sort of input.

Snoopy, you're definitely NBU, but for a compromise, Yoarchie's solution seems reasonable.