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Argument with DB.

(38 Posts)
jacks11 Sun 27-Nov-16 02:13:21

There is a long backstory, but to be brief- DB and I are not close, pretty strained relationship due to his previous behaviour. I think we both find each other irritating and frustrating.

My dad has been diagnosed as in early stages of early onset dementia and has a lot of other chronic health problems. My DM does some caring (managing medicines, makes sure he goes to appointments etc). Although he is mostly independent inside the house his mobility problems mean he has to go out with someone. I'm a single parent now and as parents live nearby DM helps with school runs/pick ups most days and if I'm working at weekends. She and DD are very close.

DD and I are moving house and our new home has a "granny wing". After much discussion, parents and I have decided the best way forward for us all is if parents sell their home and move into the granny wing- provides stability for DD and means mum has help with dad if/when she needs it. Suits us all. DPs want to make some alterations to their bit, and as they aren't essential they have agreed to pay for these changes. That is the only contribution (financially) they will make to this. They are not contributing to deposit/mortgage.

DB has thrown an absolute strop because he thinks it is unfair. This seems to be because: a) he wasn't consulted; b)he wasn't given the option of parents moving in with his family; c) he thinks I am going to gain financially out of this; and d) he thinks it's unfair DD will see more of her DGP than his children will.

DB did know it was something our parents and I had been mulling over since DF's diagnosis. We knew he wasn't keen, but don't really feel we need his "permission" to do this. I have also tried to explain that I really don't gain financially, although do acknowledge that having DM around will help with childcare. DD and DM are already close, she does help me out with childcare more than DB/SIL and I do understand that might sting a bit. However, DB/SIL live 45 minutes away- DD and I are 10 minutes down the road. DB/SIL don't drive so for visits DM always has to do the driving whether they are visiting DB or the other way round. It seems to me that it's one of those things, not deliberately unfair but just the way it works out. FWIW, SIL parents live reasonably nearby and do help out a lot. So it's not like they don't get any support.

With regards to point b)- they live just over 45mins away from us, in a flat in town. My parents would not want to live in the town. Neither DB or SIL drive, and so DB would struggle to get to work if the moved out of town. SIL and DP's have a distant but cordial relationship- I don't think any of them would choose to live together TBH. DB and SIL are not in a financial position to buy a house, so it's all a bit of a moot point anyway.

I don't really care what DB thinks, but his reaction (and on-going attitude) is upsetting DF at a time when he's feeling quite vulnerable, which is also both upsetting and angering DM.

DB and I had an argument tonight over this and SIL has also given her tuppence worth regarding how "unfair" it all is. I don't feel he/they should have been given a veto- whilst it would have been nice if he was positive about the plan, ultimately it was not his decision to make. Now he's making things difficult (again) and we're all supposed to pay more heed to him than the needs of everyone else. He feels unfairly treated and left out. I sort of get how it could feel that way, but he is an adult and needs to take a step back and see the bigger picture.

I also suspect that the real issue is actually about jealousy/money and his suspicion that somehow I will be gaining from this. He is generally a bit like this about financial things. He also feels DD is favoured over his DCs and that DD is getting more opportunities than his DC because of the disparity in our lifestyle. I feel we both made our choices, and now we are where we are largely because of them. I have had some luck and help along the way, of course, but also worked hard and made good decisions. So I won't feel guilty about that.

I don't really know what to do now- I would quite happily let him stew but I know DF is stressed by this and wants everyone to get along. AIBU to not make some sort of overture to DB? This would grate with me- and I feel encourage DB to continue to feel "hard done by". WWYD?

NannyHJ Sun 27-Nov-16 02:22:10

Your parents are adults. It's up to them to choose where they live.

Your brother needs to grow up. Is he the sort who used to count the chips on your respective plates to make sure you didn't get more than him? hmm

Topseyt Sun 27-Nov-16 02:45:51

Your parents are both adults and have made their own choice.

Your brother sounds as though he thinks it is some sort of points scoring game.

44PumpLane Sun 27-Nov-16 03:32:04

Your parents are adults, you are an adult, you have space for your parents to live (I'm assuming semi privately if it's an annex so it's not like they'll be in the bedroom text door). You clearly live where they already know they enjoy living what with you being 10 mins away from their current home.

Your brother lives in a flat, without space for your parents, somewhere your parents don't want to live.

Your brother is being an arse!

puglife15 Sun 27-Nov-16 03:48:55

Hmm

Something tells me the back story will be quite relevant here.

I imagine your brother's seemingly unreasonable reaction isn't to this particular incident as such but a longer term feeling that you are the preferred child and DD the preferred GC.

It's really hard feeling that, for whatever reason, your children come second to their cousins.

Personally I'd try being the bigger person, don't apologise but (given it sounds like you are in a better position than him in some ways) maybe offer an olive branch and try to agree to put it all behind you / tell him you'd really like to have a better relationship.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 27-Nov-16 04:00:27

"DB did know it was something our parents and I had been mulling over since DF's diagnosis."
And at any point while this mulling over was taking place did your brother make any alternative suggestions as to how your parents could be supported? No? No, thought not.

The world does not revolve around him. What is important now is the support of your parents; because they will need support, both practical and emotional. In purely practical terms he will be unable to offer this support (lives too far away, no space for multigenerational living, too self-centred etc.) and he should be bloody glad that someone else can! Even if it is the sister he doesn't get on with.

I would not make any overtures towards him, but I would, next time he bleats, ask him for his suggestions as to how your parents can be supported, what would he do? Not that he'll have any since he would surely have droned on about that. And I'd probably suggest that learning to drive would be a good idea too.

TheBouquets Sun 27-Nov-16 04:04:08

Your DB may be thinking that DPs are putting money into the new house which is in your name solely. If DPs own a house at the present time DB might be thinking about the day when you and he would have half shares in the DPs current house. It is also something to think about for your own security. It would have to be very well documented and vouched that the DPs have not put money into a house solely in your name.

Atenco Sun 27-Nov-16 04:30:05

What a hard situation. It is great that you both love your parents to the point of fighting over who looks after a sufferer from dementia.

I don't know how you can make him feel better, really, but maybe he could help with the care of his father?

footballmum Sun 27-Nov-16 06:15:39

Has the flip side to this situation been pointed out to your DB? i.e. That when your DF's health (and eventually your DM's) you'll be their main carer? Given that he doesn't drive and lives 45 mins away, I presume he has no intention of "pitching in" when it comes to that side of things?

I think if I were you I'd tell him to grow the fuck up and stop whining!!

FestiveNC Sun 27-Nov-16 06:28:34

The only way I could vaguely see his point is if your brother visited your parents on a regular basis and this would now have to stop. But he doesn't visit! Let's be honest here, he thinks his inheritance is being spent on your house.

Tell him it will save him a fortune in care home fees long term!

Fishface77 Sun 27-Nov-16 06:41:12

Tell your DM to call him and say right we're moving in to your flat.
With exactly the same terms as jacks so we're not paying anything.
Your Sil will soon change her mind as will he.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 27-Nov-16 06:50:58

As I also suspect your db is having a wholly unreasonable strop because he fears that you'll get more than the lion's share of whatever monies your dps realise from the sale of their home, I'm inclined to agree with footballmum.

In any event your db should not be allowed to piss on ruin what is clearly an eminently sensible arrangement for df's care, and is also one that will ensure that your dps home will not need to be sold to provide funds for care home fees should your dm need round the clock care in later life.

Under the circumstances, I would suggest that you and dm stand firm and make it plain to your db that he can complain as much as he wants to you, but it is encumbent on him to refrain from upsetting df at a time when he especially needs calm and stability to adjust to and cope with his recent diagnosis and ongoing health issues.

Maybebabybee Sun 27-Nov-16 06:56:14

I imagine your brother's seemingly unreasonable reaction isn't to this particular incident as such but a longer term feeling that you are the preferred child and DD the preferred GC.

This.

ClarissaDarling Sun 27-Nov-16 07:03:27

Hi OP I'm thinking your DB will be focussing on 2 things and they will have magnified for him 'we won't really gain financially' to him any gain will be a gain and 'I've had some help along the way' was this from your parents and has he had same? In my experience siblings can really regress in relationships at times like these!

mrscarrotironfoundersson Sun 27-Nov-16 08:00:12

Money: the cause of all the best family fall outs.

You are not going to change your brothers mind. It doesn't matter what you say at this point so don't waste your breath.

All you can do is proceed with the plan and hope he grows up.

The only point I can maybe sympathise with is if your Mum is picking up your daughter every day from school and DB/SIL are paying for cminder or after school then it would grate on me a little - even realising the distance, different relationships etc. Jealousy is a difficult emotion and doesn't make you think rationally.

ClarissaDarling Sun 27-Nov-16 08:16:28

Derailing! mrscarrot love the name! Always raises a smile when I see SirTP references!

jacks11 Sun 27-Nov-16 08:52:21

Clarissa

my parents supported me through uni but DB chose not to go, they did buy his 1st car (he was banned for drink driving years ago and has never sought to renew his licence), furnished his 1st flat and contributed to his&SIL wedding though. I guess if you were add it up pound for pound I was perhaps given more, but had DB wanted to go to uni/college he would have been financially supported too. I don't think he got a particularly raw deal TBH, but he does.

I know he is aggrieved about inheritance from our DGM- he was written out of the will because of his behaviour towards her and which he refused to apologise for. However, that was a situation entirely of his own making and it wasn't about me being "favoured" but a consequence of his own behaviour.

jacks11 Sun 27-Nov-16 08:57:38

mrscarrot,

SIL is a SAHM but her parents live in the same town and do help out a lot. I do understand it feels like our parents spend more time with DD than DN's/DN but that is because of where they live and the fact that neither DB/SIL drive. They live on a 2nd floor flat (no lift) and DFs mobility problems mean stairs are hard for him (though doable), so frequent visits to theirs aren't really practical and if they come to our parents, DM has to drive to pick them up and drive them back again, so with things as they are this is not too practical either.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sun 27-Nov-16 09:00:06

Ithink this all boils down to one thing: money. He must know it wouldn't be practical to have them living with him. And I bet him and your SIL wouldn't even want them to.

No, I think this is all money related (I bet they are even thinking they might not get 50/50 in your parents' will).

They sound very self-absorbed tbh. They should be happy for your parents.

I would just ignore them.

mrscarrotironfoundersson Sun 27-Nov-16 09:17:10

Well, your DB is a bit of a dick. How much headspace does your Mum give him and his opinions? Could he really scupper it for her if he wanted to?

Livelovebehappy Sun 27-Nov-16 09:22:19

Put to him the alternative, which might mean your DF having to go into a home as his dementia progresses, which will mean half their home will belong to the authorities to pay for his care. If your DB is guided by money etc, this will hit home the hardest. You are in fact going to be saving the inheritance by being a career for your DF. Maybe he feels that due to your DPs living with you, that he is going to have to consult you if he wants to visit them etc, so you could reassure him that he and his family are still able to arrange visits with them direct.

PuraVida Sun 27-Nov-16 09:43:29

I can't see that having the stress and responsibility of caring for an ailing parent by dint of being logistically closer is an enviable position. Point this out

ClarissaDarling Sun 27-Nov-16 09:55:24

From what you've said whatever you do your 'd'B will find fault or a way to be aggrieved, is there any risk that dependent on how wills etc pan out he could say you are taking advantage of your parents?

stolemyusername Sun 27-Nov-16 09:59:40

I remember your previous threads I think?

Is this the brother you had to go out of your way to ferry around at a family occasion and held you up as the SIL insisted on going shopping or similar?

If so, YANBU! Just get on with making your own plans and leave him to stew in his resentment

baconandeggies Sun 27-Nov-16 10:07:28

Oh.. I remember your other threads. Yet again your brother has thrown a strop and upset your father. You owe him nothing and I would focus your efforts on shielding your parents from his poison.

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