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To have a moan. Bed bound today. I'm a shit mum and wife!

(28 Posts)
TheMagicFarawaySleep Sat 26-Nov-16 18:57:19

Having a fibromyalgia flare up. Have two unrelated infections. Completely bedbound with pain. And feel like I'm letting down my whole family. Missed DD's dance show. DH can't go to his works Xmas meal and leave us.

Just feel the biggest burden on my family. Can't work because of fibro so feel a complete drain on the system (get benefits). Want to go back to work again but can't.

And to top it off, I'm really self pitying. Someone shoot me please!

user1471463681 Sat 26-Nov-16 19:02:43

None of this is your fault, you are not a bad mum or wife.
Fibromyalgia is shit however!

clairethewitch70 Sat 26-Nov-16 19:09:03

I'm in bed at the moment, stuck with fibromyalgia and back pain. Don't be too hard on yourself. It is an illness. I'm sure your family understands. You will have good days to when you can make it up to them.

TheMagicFarawaySleep Sat 26-Nov-16 19:11:23

Thank you both. It just seems to have been dragging on sooooo long. I wanted a career, not be bedbound.

There was a thread yesterday and a poster said that working mums are a good role model for their daughters and it was so upsetting. Grr, think life is just a bit poo ATM.

TheMagicFarawaySleep Sat 26-Nov-16 19:12:02

Claire - sorry your back is bad. Crap isn't it? X

munki Sat 26-Nov-16 19:12:25

I've got a chronic illness, and it makes me feel like a shit wife/mum as well. BUT my family know I'm doing the best I can. Ultimately, they don't blame me for the stuff I can't do because they know it's better for me in the long run not to push myself beyond my limits. I know I can't make things better for you but I bet in a few days everything will feel brighter. Just ride it out and allow yourself to get your strength back.

Oh and don't compare yourself to other wives/mums - I'll bet that you make more effort than most given its harder for you. That's what I remind myself all the time - if i was well it would be so easy to just get the stuff done that other healthy people do. I have to work twice as hard to do half as much as they do and I should feel good about that.

Littlelostdinosaur Sat 26-Nov-16 19:13:28

Try thinking whether you pin would call your dh a shit and or for Stu EE if we were feelings like you are? I doubt you would and they will not of you. They will be concerned for you. Sorry your feeling so down and I'll I hope you feel better soon.
Nowhere close to fibro but since having my ds2 injune and suffering sepsis I've been ill
None stop and it's so draining, like you I feel useless and that everyone is picking up after me and I'm just sat feeling sorry for myself.
Hugs x

ZbZb Sat 26-Nov-16 19:14:01

What would you think if it was your DH or your DD who was ill? You would just feel sorry for them, you wouldn't think they were 'bad' would you?


clairethewitch70 Sat 26-Nov-16 19:16:57

Chronic pain is debilitating, but we all do our best as mums and wives, and are allowed to take time out to recover so we can do our best at times we feel better. Don't judge yourself too harsh. Back pain and fibromyalgia are crap.

TheMagicFarawaySleep Sat 26-Nov-16 19:23:24

Thank you so much everyone for understanding. And not telling me off for being self-pitying!

This flare has been going on for months, and I don't know if it will end. I love life, but this isn't life. If not for what it would do to family, I would take the easy way out I'm afraid. Just soooo tired of fighting. I'm on anti-depressants, but the morphine for the pain dulls the effect of them. Its shit.

Never be a heroin addict folks - opiates are a depressant!

wowbutter Sat 26-Nov-16 19:27:10

As a fellow fibromyalgia sufferer, I feel your pain. Quite literally.
I be gone from having a full life, fingers in so many pies to working part time and barely managing.
I too am having a flare up. I have managed some family activities today, but spent the afternoon in bed in tears. It's horrible.

wowbutter Sat 26-Nov-16 19:27:58

I understand about what you say about suicide, I too have considered it.
It is my family that's too me. I am insured for quite a large amount and have enough pain meds to make it quite easy.

mumofthemonsters808 Sat 26-Nov-16 19:30:30

I think you are being very hard on yourself and doing the very worse thing for your mental health which is interpreting your illness as optional and focusing on what you are spoiling. Its not like you choose to have this illness and have a choice in being bed ridden. Your family understands your predicament and you must keep sight of this fact even on the really hard days. You're doing all you can to get by, you're not a shit Mum or Wife, I'm sure your family would be devastated to hear you describe yourself in these terms. Throw the role model comment away, I bet your DD knows you love the bones of her. I hope you feel stronger soon and the pain eases.

Soubriquet Sat 26-Nov-16 19:30:44

I've been having severely painful back spasms since Tuesday.

My poor husband is working and having to care for me. I'm doing the very bare minimum when it comes to caring for my children because anything else makes it worse

What really made me feel like shit was my 3 year old being a carer for me yesterday. She fetched me a nappy for her brother, put the dirty nappy in the bin, put her plate and her brothers plate in the sink. Picked up toys before bedtime, picked up her brothers drink and gave it to him, brought me their beakers when they needed filling and got me the squash out so I didn't need to bend.

3 fucking years old and I have to rely on her!! I felt like such a shit mum

woowoowoo Sat 26-Nov-16 19:33:49

You have my every sympathy.

I suffer the hell of fibro too. I also have been in bed all day doing nothing. Just too tired and in pain to do anything. At least I now have wine and am on settee with DH watching Strictly / Xfactor / celebrity.

I also beat myself up about feeling useless. It is such a debilitating, life robbing illness. I had to give up a well paid job as I could no longer cope with the 9-5. I am now self employed and not even earning enough to pay tax.

No advice, just complete empathy flowers.

Wonder if we could set up a fibromyalgia support thread? Would anyone else be interested?

ohtheholidays Sat 26-Nov-16 19:45:25

None of what's happened to you is your fault,you never asked for this and your family know that and I bet you go above and beyond for your family when you can.

I know it's hard I kick myself emotionally sometimes and feel the same way,I became disabled a year after having our youngest DD9(a screw up by the hospital caused it)our youngest DD and DS15 are both disabled as well and we have 5DC.

I hate claiming any benefits as well(I get DLA)and I refused to claim it for a very long time until my parents found out and had ago at me about it I'll say the same to you as they said to me"your entitled to this money because of what's happened to you,you get this money because your entitled to it and life is hard enough when your ill/disabled without you being hard on yourself for something you have no control over" .

It's hard I know but it's true,I bet you'd never judge anyone else that's going through what your going through Magic so you need to try and stop judging yourself. flowers

TheMagicFarawaySleep Sat 26-Nov-16 19:56:22

Monsters808 - you are absolutely right and I hadn't thought of that before - I am treating it as though it's optional! That changes things slightly. DH just read the thread and I've had lots of cuddles and reassurance. I also promised that I wouldn't take the easy way out. And I never would because it would hurt them too much.

Soubriquet - you also didn't choose this. I bet your DD grows up to be incredibly caring as a result of days like today. Kids LOVE helping Mummy so to her, it was probably the best day ever. She'll feel really grown up and important. Wait until she's six and can bribe you for sweeties wink

TheMagicFarawaySleep Sat 26-Nov-16 20:00:37

Woowoo - I'd love a fibro support thread. Arms starting to hurt too much to type much more though today.

Oh - well said by you DPs!! And no, I wouldn't begrudge anyone else the cash. It pays for my cleaner and things we need, so I suppose I am entitled to it. God knows I paid enough tax when I worked and my DH still do

I'll be reading anymore replies -and thanks to everyone that has replied. You have helped far more than you could ever know. Apologies to anyone I missed out flowers

justcrazy Sat 26-Nov-16 20:52:55

Hi, I have fibro and there has been many times when I felt guilty about things I can't do anymore. But I was told by a dear friend 'you didn't cause it & you can't control it '

Sending you lots of healing gentle hugs xxx

Mulberry72 Sat 26-Nov-16 21:18:55

Oh Magic, I know exactly how you feel, I have Fibro and Psoriatic Arthritis too sad and I hate it. I feel as if they've stolen everything from me, career, friends, hobbies etc.

I've gone from working full time in a job that I loved, to barely getting off the sofa most days.

You're not a burden, and I'm sure your family don't think that, having said that I also view myself that way too sometimes.

It's very hard but just got to try and keep smiling, hope you're feeling brighter soon flowers

SingaSong12 Sat 26-Nov-16 21:30:49

I don't have fibromyalgia but did want to say that no-one should feel guilty or ashamed for getting benefits from "the system". The system is actually other ordinary people (though how money collected is used is controlled by the government.)

Your relative may pay through income tax, sometimes you make this possible through providing child care/care for older relatives/a loving supportive person to be there for that worker.

You pay into this system even if are never able to work or work but not enough to pay tax because you pay VAT on all sorts of things.

Ssenunni Sat 26-Nov-16 22:41:58

I'd love a fibromyalgia support thread. I too am in the middle of a long debilitating flare and spent most of the day in bed. I feel like a burden and I'm not sleeping on top of everything else. Seven years and it hasn't got any easier.

Your thread is timely for me and has made me feel a little less alone. So that's one person you've helped today, even if I am a complete stranger!

I hope tomorrow is easier on you flowers. Every flare feels never ending until you come out the other side.

Hopefully my fatigue will clear tomorrow and I'll be able to say something more helpful.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sat 26-Nov-16 22:45:07

Pain is physically and emotionally draining. You're not a shit wife and mum. You're dealing with chronic illness. Good idea on the support thread - that could really help a lot of people.


TheMagicFarawaySleep Sun 27-Nov-16 02:18:15

Thank you so much everyone. You have helped so much. I don't like to think of others suffering, but I feel less alone. flowers

Baylisiana Sun 27-Nov-16 02:46:35

You are a good role model for your dc. When they are old enough to process it they will admire you so much. They will take heart when they faces struggles, knowing that you have done the same and kept going.
The world doesn't always realise that those who are unwell and seem to acheive little are actually achieving more and working harder just getting through the day than they ever did when they were well and being congratulated on more conventional achievements. For what it is worth, I know, and I congratulate you.
It is hard, and it is depressing, but never doubt that you must keep going and that many of us understand. You may well see better times ahead with your symptoms. It can be unpredicatable.

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