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To be so miserable without friends?

(23 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 26-Nov-16 10:24:04

I haven't had any real, good friends in years and definitely not since I moved 4yrs ago.

I just can't seem to find/make any.

I joined a gym but all the people that go (while nice) are either big burly men or young skinny gym bunnies. As an overweight woman in her mid 30's I find them all quite intimidating and like I have nothing in common with them. Actually of the 2 the men are more friendly the women just ignore me mostly.

I'm at uni but we have very small classes and all the other students I either don't especially like or they live too far from me for us to meet up.

I work but we are so busy at the moment that I hardly have time to talk to my co workers let alone build some form of relationship with them. Again, they are either young and beautiful or older than me with kids/mortgages etc.

I am quite willing to be friends with anyone, from all walks of life, and I have tried but no one seems interested. No one invites me to things and when I invite others they always have other plans or make some excuse. Every time I get rejected I just feel more and more shit. What's wrong with me?!

Dp doesn't seem to care that he doesn't really have any but I'm so sad that I have no one in my life to call a friend, no one to chat to when I feel low, no one to hang out with when I'm bored and lonely, no one to go on a night out with.

user1477282676 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:26:57

I mean this in the nicest way but you say on one hand that you're willing to be friends with people from all walks of life and then on the other, you've dismissed the women you work with for being young or for being married with mortgages.

I would take a really close look at how you're interacting with the people you do meet in day to day life.

I'd also think about joining a club...not the's hard to make friends in a gym. What about a crafting club...or the Women's Institute...the WI is not the place it once was but has been through a bit of a change with many younger women joining.

GriefLeavesItsMark Sat 26-Nov-16 10:27:32

Join a different gym. Most gyms are full of people of different sizes and ages.

Uiscebeatha85 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:31:00

If you live in a bigger city they may have a city socialiser group? That's how I found friends and was a lifeline when I moved.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 26-Nov-16 10:33:01

The gym I go to really is because it's affordable. I can't really stretch to the others around sad

I am happy to be friends with anyone, I wasn't saying that to exclude them from being 'eligible', just that maybe they see ME as being 'ineligible' because I'm older/younger/a student/got nothing in common etc.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 26-Nov-16 10:35:39

I can't really move right now as dp has a son here so doesn't want to leave the area. I'm sure my opportunities would increase if I lived less rurally but right now I have to try and make the best of it here. I think it doesn't help that most of the people in this town/surrounding towns know each other somehow so it's quite hard trying to break in when you're the outsider.

Birdsgottafly Sat 26-Nov-16 10:36:37

Firstly, stop being so hung up on appearances, no-one wants to be friends with someone with such shallow views.

You seem to be putting people into "boxes", focus on what you may have in common. Having a mortgage/children/being beautiful, doesn't define someone.

YelloDraw Sat 26-Nov-16 10:37:49

Gyms aren't good places to make friends, not sure why people always suggest them. People go to the gym to exercise, not to chat.

Try a club or society that interests you, or a dining club, or like PP said a city social club.

user1477282676 Sat 26-Nov-16 10:41:23

You sound low on confidence OP. People don't care what you look like if you're cheerful, interested in them and up for some fun and laughs.

I'm 44 and a bit overweight...I'm friends with people ten years younger in some cases. It's about connecting.

Also...someone once told me a great thing "Friendships are forged through shared experiences"

So pertinent. It's about sharing experiences...doing things with other people...whether that's working with them, doing charity work, making things in a craft club or participating in sport or drama clubs.

Make some changes....

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 26-Nov-16 10:42:42

Birds, read my second post, I'm not shallow at all.

Musiclife Sat 26-Nov-16 10:45:28

Well you certainly have a lot of opportunities for making friends if you go to the gym, work and study.

It does sound like you are writing people off a bit. It doesn't matter if people don't live in your area or if they're married or beautiful or older than you with a mortgage confused. Honestly I can't see why any of those reasons prevent you from becoming friends.

Some workplaces are friendlier than others but do you have a Christmas do, leaving dos, that kind of thing? If not could you organise one yourself?

When I moved to a new area and job I organised a few nights out eg a comedy club and was amazed by how many people were interested.

Also confidence sounds like an issue for you as you are assuming people wouldn't want to socialise with you. Let them get to know you. I used to tag along with people when I first went to my new job and it was uncomfortable a bit but there was no way I was being left out and in time people accepted me and I have lifelong friends even now I have left.

I would keep being open and friendly and accept every invitation whatever it is.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 26-Nov-16 10:47:26

I am cheerful! I am up for fun! I am low on confidence though and I'm getting more and more ground down by the fact that everytime I try no one is interested. Most people could probably shake it off but I can't and it breaks my spirit sad I'm probably just over sensitive but I don't know how to get over that.

There is are so few things around here I can take part in - it's a small rural town so clubs are very few.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 26-Nov-16 10:50:05

I agree that just because someone doesn't live in my area doesn't mean I can't be friends with them but it does make it a bit more awkward when you want to meet up or do something if you have to travel an hour to see them.

bonnieweelass Sat 26-Nov-16 10:56:54

Where in the country are you OP? I don't really have any friends either and find it hard.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 26-Nov-16 11:02:04

South west bonnie, it is hard.

bonnieweelass Sat 26-Nov-16 11:21:10

too far from me. have you tried meet a mum on netmums or your local pages on here? Not that I've had any success there either

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 26-Nov-16 11:25:29

I have tried the local pages but had no luck. Tried another online thing (meetups?) but the closest thing to me is a hour'a drive from me sad

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 26-Nov-16 11:26:10

Not tried the netmums one though, are they just for mums?

user1477282676 Sat 26-Nov-16 11:27:11

Start your own club! Book club or dinner club? Lunch club?

Fockers Sat 26-Nov-16 11:34:09

Start a Meet Up in something you enjoy like book club or pudding club grin

I have more female friends in their 50s & 60s which sounds odd I guess being mid 30s but I love their company, string funny women.

famousfour Sat 26-Nov-16 11:37:09

Ah poor you - sounds tricky. I do think people get into their routines and friendship groups and aren't necessarily open to meeting new people in a meaningful way so it can be hard when you move, unless its one of those places with transient expat communities. I don't know how long you have been there but I'm sure you will find people in time. I have never seen the gym as somewhere to socialise personally - but second other people's suggestions of trying to find other clubs or groups based on a common interest. Running club or outdoor exercise groups/clubs?

user1478507595 Sat 26-Nov-16 12:24:37

Nobody seems friendly to me either and I live in a small town.People seem to already have friendship groups and don't need or want more friends.I am very lonely and fed up with knock backs.I do voluntary work but haven't made proper friends through it mainly aquaintances.
I'm not sure what to try next.I feel like the 'village outsider'.People can be so cruel and I think some enjoy excluding people from their exclusive friendship circles.
Loneliness is not just what old people suffer from I am middle aged.
I now feel like i will never have any friends because my confidence is very low and I am starting to become bitter and maybe twisted!

SianiMoomin Sat 26-Nov-16 13:54:59

So why don't you start a club locally? Maybe a dining club or a book group?

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