Daddy daughter time

[Tryingtostayyoung]

Hi all. So me and DH have been arguing quite a lot recently abit a few different things so apologies for my continuous threads. There now seems to be another thing to now add to the list.
DH is angry with me because he feels like I never give him time to go out or spend at home on his own with DD on a regular basis. I go out with my friends probably once/twice a month but I don't go out till around 7 and then DD goes to bed at 7:30. I haven't sort of done it on purpose but I will admit that in the past if DH has said maybe I'll take DD out for breakfast or something like that I've said I want to come. He's just gotten really upset with me, practically in tears, he just wants to have a good relationship with her and be the dad that he never had. I now feel quite stupidly and pathetically unwanted as I don't really see DH in the week at all apart from maybe an hour in the evenings and family time the three of us feels precious.
He made me not feel that sorry for him when he then became angry and said, "if I could go back 4years I think I would have insisted on being a SAHD and let you stay in your job and treat you exactly how you have me just so you could really understand how I feel". Have I really been that unreasonable? I said to him that if he loved me he wouldn't say something like that bevause I would never wish for him to be upset like that and he said if you really loved me then you would realise what I give up so you can be at home and would have said to me on more than two occasions in 4years, "take DD out and have some time alone together"

[HRarehoundingme]

Poor DH.

While I was reading this I was imagining a small baby - 9 months or so; not a 4 year old. Let him have time with DD!

[TheSparrowhawk]

Has he raised this issue before?

[Scholes34]

Let them go out for breakfast. Put your feet up and read the paper.

[Soubriquet]

My Dh likes spending time on his own with the DC

He doesn't love me any less either. He just notices that when he is on his own with them, they are happier to interact with him, whilst if I'm around, they want me instead

[DrQuinzel]

This "if you really love me" crap is so manipulative it sets my tits on edge.

I actually feel quite sorry for him, DH has done more with DD alone this month than your partner has ever done in her entire life and they're the same age.

[NeedMoreSleepOrSugar]

Is it true that he's had so little one on one time with DD? If so, that's not good for any of you.

I imagine if it's gone on this long you'll find it hard to do, but you need to step back and ensure they get some quality one on one time together

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Let him take her out for breakfast! You just meet with them later.

I find it odd you won't let him spend time alone with her.

[Thurlow]

Sounds like it's been bugging him for a long time.

YABU. He should be allowed to want to spend time alone with his daughter without you saying that you feel pushed out.

[CinderellaRockefeller]

Definitely YABU.

[Deadsouls]

I think YABU
Although I don't think the issue is as black and white as YABU or YANBU
But sounds like your DH would just like to have some alone time with DD. Feeling like he missed out because he's been working. Personally, I think it's wonderful that your DH wants to nurture a connection with your DD and is actively verbalising that. That is great for your DD. Perhaps you could schedule in a weekend morning/afternoon where it's just Dad/Daughter time.
I think you need to put your feelings aside as you are the adult in this scenario.

[emmyhNL]

Is the only reason that you won't let them spend time together because you don't feel that you get enough time during the week?

I'd say suck it up. Let them have their alone time and you can do something for yourself.

[Tryingtostayyoung]

He has had more time alone with her than that it's just that it's not frequent, some months it will only be an hour here or there and other months (this for example) he's taken time off whilst I was working so has spent quite a few days but that isn't a regular occurrence if I'm being honest. I honestly have not meant to do it, I've been unintentionally selfish

[BlueFolly]

YABU

[Ikeameatballs]

Are you a SAHM? Is your DH out of the house most of the working week?

I'm struggling to work out why you see so little of each other and he sees so little of your DD.

[Tryingtostayyoung]

I think it is because I just see him so little in the week that when it comes to the weekend we just stick together and I'm not to precious to admit that the times he has vocalised it (not to this extent) I have been selfish. I actually didn't realise how many people do that. I never did with my dad but then I suppose that's because he worked from home so I used to spend time with him 2days a week after school till my mum got home

[m0therofdragons]

Dh used to take dd to the cm one day a week but not until 10am. He really loved that time with her. imo your dh is right to want this - totally normal and healthy.

[Tryingtostayyoung]

I'm a sahm and he works full time, he leaves at 7:30am and 2nights a week gets home at around 8:00 then 2nights it's more like 7:00 and then a Friday at around 6:30 so that's the good night. But I do some WFH so spend time in the evenings with that and don't really go to bed later than 10 as I get up early

[Schoolisback1973]

Its sad that you're not seeing the benefits it will bring to your daughter and family at the same time. You're making this about you.That's a bit immature.
He is craving that special time so please let him have it. Enjoy the free time.

[Mishegoss]

Just let him have some time with his daughter. You're not actually in a position to prevent that. She's his child and they both need it. It's obviously been really getting to him.

[Gizlotsmum]

The best thing we ever did was my DH having a weekday off before the kids were at school to look after them.. they have such a close bond now and will go to him as much as me. It's special and has really helped now he is working all week and they are at school. We still try to have some alone time with each child, even if it is only 30 mins a week...

[Thebookswereherfriends]

Could he take her out for tea one evening a week and then for breakfast on a Saturday morning? They wouldn't be gone all morning.
That is quite sad that your dh feels so pushed out.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Now you've said its because you want to spend time with him? In that cas, organise an evening out and get a babysitter.

[anotheronebitthedust]

But how do you see your dh so little in the day? If you sleep about 11pm -7am and you say you only see him for an hour each day in the evening, is he really out of the house from 7am-10pm every single week day? Because if so that is quite unusual and would be fair enough that you wanted to spend the weekend all together.

However if you're exaggerating and he's usually home by 7, then he and dd going out together for 3 hours on a sat morning still leaves you with loads of family time.

[mollyblack]

I love it when my dh takes the kids out anywhere for any amount of time. I need some time on my own and they need some proper time together. Maybe he could take her out for breakfast every saturday or take her swimming every sunday morning.

I don't really understand what problem you have with this. It's not "special daddy daughter time" its just parenting, not doing EVERYTHING together. Plus how can he learn to be a parent if he is never allowed to do it on his own. I have a friend who's kids are 11 and 8yrs and their father has never looked after them on their own for more than an hour or two, and consequently now has the fear about it. He has never taken the kids away for the weekend or for a day out or anything. It's strange.

[Deadsouls]

Maybe it's not a case of you being selfish as you have written Trying, but more that this situation triggers a feeling of hurt and being left out which is probably an 'historical' hurt, something from the past.