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To want a marriage as well as being a Mum?

(8 Posts)
Runrabbit1 Fri 25-Nov-16 12:11:31

Quite simply, my two Sons 13 and 9yrs old control me.

I am remarried to a wonderful man who is a great stepfather and he has two boys. My boys are very unaccepting of this relationship and his boys in particular. But rather than just tell them "get on with it" I do truly car about their feelings and try to accommodate and reassure and make things as easy as possible for them but its getting to a point where they will say "those boys aren't coming in our house" and really intimidating me and them and being rude and aggressive. I feel guilty when this happens as I feel I'm somehow making my sons unhappy by having a relationship and asking them to accept two other children.

However I'm getting to the point where I'm treading on eggshells and so stressed about any time I spend with my Husband and his boys as I'm always juggling my time with all of them.

We have a Christmas ting coming up with my family and all 6 of us are invited but my boys are saying "its OUR family, we don't want the boys coming" and causing a big issue.

Should I out my childrens feelings first or should I just be the grown up and tell them to get on with it?

My Husband is also suffering as he doesn't understand why we can't all just be one happy family.

ghostyslovesheets Fri 25-Nov-16 12:17:16

you aren't accommodating their feelings - you are letting them dictate to the adults - that is NOT teaching them anything and not helping them at all - sorry

You need to work with them to accept the situation and get over themselves - what are you actually afraid of?

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 25-Nov-16 12:18:53

OK, I'm going to give you some tough love and you might not like what I have to say.

You are making your boys unhappy by not being strong, setting boundaries and keeping control of the situation. You are allowing them to be aggressive, to treat you poorly and to do what they like. That is not good parenting.

You can take your children's feelings in to consideration without allowing them to walk all over you. You will damage them so much more in the future by allowing them to do this.

Step up, tell them you understand that this situation is hard for them and you will work with them to resolve their issues regarding it, but you will no longer allow them to dictate the family situation nor treat you in this manner. Bad behaviour requires discipline, regardless of the extraneous circumstances. That is fundamental.

In step family life it is very difficult to create harmony and happiness all round. There are always going to be tensions, jealousies, problems etc. It's how you deal with those problems that sets you apart.

TwitterQueen1 Fri 25-Nov-16 12:19:08

TBH, and I'm sorry if this is harsh, but I don't think you should have got remarried without resolving these issues beforehand.

They're not going to go away. Why do you both expect everyone to be 'one happy family'? Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. By getting married you've both clearly signalled that what you want comes before what any of the boys want.

Family counselling maybe? How do your DP's boys feel about the situation?

cestlavielife Fri 25-Nov-16 12:21:33

You all need some help

Your dc and the step Children need their voices heard .
They are telling you something with their behaviour and you need to listen

Get everyone round the table .at a family counselling session.
Agree some basics and some compromises on all sides

cestlavielife Fri 25-Nov-16 12:22:04

Get some profesional neutral support .

Famalam13 Fri 25-Nov-16 12:26:57

Although I sympathise with your DC as being the child of divorce can be incredibly hard (personal experience) and their feelings should be acknowledged their behaviour is unacceptable. I agree that you all need family counselling.

LittleMoonbuggy Fri 25-Nov-16 12:27:59

Sorry, but I agree with TwitterQueen.

Did this remarriage happen rather hastily by any chance? As it sounds as though your boys are struggling to cope with the change, and perhaps they didn't have much time to adjust.

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