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Advice not AIBU please

(16 Posts)
Brighteyes27 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:35:18

DD 11 1/2 has had trouble with a girl she goes to school with for over a year. Basically this girl looks like butter wouldn't melt but she is very sly, devious and desperate to be popular. Anyway I've kept out of it and tried to Advice DD to find other friends interests away from this girl and move on which she has quietly gradually done etc etc. Now this week this other girl who seems to have had more falling outs with people than mad Mick since the start of secondary is trying to move into my DD's new social circle and winding DD up in various ways. She has started walking to school with them today and took great delight in linking one of other girls saying we're besties and smirking etc. Then she texted DD tonight asking why she was so quiet on the way to school and what was wrong? Anyway tonight my DD snapped big style & sent a text to this girl with swear words in which I knew nothing about. The first I knew of it was when the girls mum forwarded this onto me. I phoned her back apologising for the swearing but went onto explain the background leading up to this for the past year. I think mum was sure she had the moral high ground and was totally unaware and speechless as she was concerned her DD in tears tonight!! Whereas we have had problems since last September!! Her daughter is a massive drama queen and I am sure she may forward this text on to other girls and pass onto my DD's school. Advice please I am mortified by the text message should I contact school to apologise for swearing in text and put DD's side across or leave well alone? I have spoken to DD about swearing. She was in tears and said she had to fight back as she couldn't let her ruin Secondary and take her friends off her etc.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 24-Nov-16 22:39:57

Girls can be like this I have found out the hard way, my DD has been on both sides to my embarrassment and currently is with the head of year, who is fuming because a group of them have all wound each other up in different ways. I try so hard not to get involved - it can make it worse. I give advice to DD and today I spoke to HoY to give him my side but I had to hear some horrors about my own DD. I just constantly try to teach her right from wrong! It's so hard. You can say sorry but ultimately they have to learn how to manage these things themselves. They will get burnt along the way.... what I say to DD is that I only have one side of the story and my default is to defend DD but she isn't always very innocent!

Leave it unless it escalates is my advice - teachers are stressed to the max with all this stuff. If it's bullying then yeah, talk to them. Otherwise let them try sort it out

Scholes34 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:42:22

You need to have a frank conversation with your daughter. Talk about the situation without reference to the text message to discuss how that might be dealt with anyway. Then talk separately about the message and the importance of not putting anything in writing/text/on social media, that she wouldn't want to have copied on/quoted back at her. Chalk it up as a bad experience and try to move on. You might want to contact her form tutor to say how upset and disappointed she is in her behaviour in trying to deal with an issue that was causing her stress, so your daughter knows her tutor can be there to give her support, as are you, and it might also take the wind out of the sails of the other girl's mother if you show your cards first.

ollieplimsoles Thu 24-Nov-16 22:44:46

I would leave alone op, but be prepared to defend your DD if school call you in.

Just remind her that losing her temper will make her say things and do things that could make things more difficult down the line.

Brighteyes27 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:46:22

Thank you that's what I thought I just hope other girls mum thinks the same.
The girls family are quite well off but she is the eldest of 4 or 5 so always vying for attention and probably still getting away with manipulating things in the household. She was still having massive melt downs if things didn't go her way in year 6!

elodie2000 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:47:25

CUT THEM OUT. Including this girl's clueless mother.
DD had the same problem. Tell your DD not to be rude but not to engage either. My DD learnt the art of staying silent, going about her own business and letting her dreadful ex friend mess things up for herself.
If your DD gets involved in/ angry with this girl, she runs the risk of others taking sides. She needs to disengage emotionally

Myusernameismyusername Thu 24-Nov-16 22:48:24

Cutting them out is often very hard. You can only very advise DD to keep her cool

Brighteyes27 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:59:53

I advised her earlier tonight to ignore her or just say nothing I had a sore throat which she did and not to be provoked by her. But she tried that approach in primary and this girl walked all over her and she lost two close friends one by one due to this girls lies and manipulative behaviour and the gullibility of another friend. She's frightened of it happening again as she's been so happy since she met these girls.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 24-Nov-16 23:04:34

This was my DD but she has decided to fight back. No matter how many times I say walk away she won't! So I am wasting my own breath. You can only advise

usual Thu 24-Nov-16 23:04:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brighteyes27 Thu 24-Nov-16 23:11:23

Sorry usual I didn't know where else to post the first line says it's not an AIBU.

WyfOfBathe Thu 24-Nov-16 23:16:59

YABU to post in AIBU and specify "not AIBU" hmm

-Tell DD to keep away from this girl as far as she can or at least not react
-Remind her not to write things online/in texts that she doesn't want others to potentially see
-Tell her that if things happen at school, she should speak to a teacher

Itsallgoodimtold Thu 24-Nov-16 23:36:43

Pedants eh!
Does the school have pastoral support? If so, have a conversation, it doesn't need to be long but make them aware so they can look out for issues. Make sure your child knows you are doing this.

notangelinajolie Thu 24-Nov-16 23:39:02

I have 3 daughters. My eldest sailed through school with no sagas whatsoever. The other 2 did not - I don't think there was a single term where one of them was not having some kind of crisis. Not going into detail because it would take all night - but my general advice to them was to keep out of the way and ignore the person wherever possible! From experience girls like the one you describe usually move on when they don't get the reaction they want. I also warned my girls about posting anything on social media that they may regret later. It can get very nasty on there! Also, if it is getting too upsetting for your DD you could have a word with your daughter's form tutor and let him/her know what is going on. I suspect she is already on their radar.

Brighteyes27 Fri 25-Nov-16 00:28:34

Thanks DD hides her feelings remarkably well I have advised her re dangers re permanence of text Social media etc. And advised her to avoid anyone who isn't nice or a drama queen etc. It's Friday today hopefully this girl will have moved onto her next victim before too much longer but I am worried she may hang around until she causes a rift in the friendship group.

Brighteyes27 Fri 25-Nov-16 01:12:49

I am now worried having reread the messages their were two that if the other mum goes into school can any legal action be taken against my DD? It had swearing in, something about making her life hell as she had made hers hell and what she thought of her in no uncertain terms etc. DD is dyslexic and not brilliant at English but a lot of threatening slang in the message and I'm thinking she has maybe copied part of it from some site and personalised it. As DD's messages are usually one word or four words at the most where as this was really quite long.

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