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To say no to a free holiday for myself and kids (with conditions)

(112 Posts)
Airborne Thu 24-Nov-16 18:27:19

Back story - DP and I have been together 20 years, we have 3 DC's. Each summer we go abroad with my parents. This is always my parents idea as DP and I could not afford it otherwise - they like to go so they can see their grandchildren abroad, playing in the sea, eating out and generally enjoy being on holiday with them. They adore them and will do anything for them. They pay for all the accommodation and food which is very generous and appreciated and they are happy to do this - when we offer to pay for a meal/round of drinks etc they refuse and insist on paying.

This year however, there was a lot of tension and a couple of big arguments between myself and my parents. Turns out they don't like DP, never have and by the sounds of it, never will. They are very set in their ways and some of the things they said about him truly shocked me. It made our time there very tense and stressful. My DF's idea of airing his views actually made it a lot worse, he said some very hurtful things. At the end of the holiday I vowed never to go away with them again.

Just to make it a bit clearer - DP is sociable and easy going but also has some strong opposing views on things to DF, DF is a typical Daily Mail reader and they have heated debates, not arguments but they clearly have different views. However this has worked against DP and much of my parents impressions of him are based on them having differing views on religion/race and anything really!

I have just received an email from my parents inviting the DC's and myself on holiday next year. There is no mention of DP and it is quite clear from the email (without actually stating it) there would not be room for DP, ie: 'the DC's can sleep on the sofa bed and we shall buy an extra single bed for you'.
My first reaction was 'No, I don't want to go", not because DP wouldn't be there, but they clearly don't view us as a unit, a family. Even though I am in my 40's they still want some control over me and my DC's and make it clear they are not satisfied with my choice of partner. DC's love their grandparents and I know they would love to go. I feel I need to take a stand against my parents and say no. (I shouldn't feel like I'm taking a 'stand' but this is what it feels like now).

Sirzy Thu 24-Nov-16 18:30:05

Yanbu not to go.

If it's a family holiday all the family should be invited.

How young are the children that 3 would fit on a sofa bed anyway?

I would book something for the 5 of you

Maroonie Thu 24-Nov-16 18:30:28

I wouldn't go, I wouldn't enjoy a holiday in those circumstances and if I was your husband I'd be really hurt

Maroonie Thu 24-Nov-16 18:31:27

Could the kids go without you? Then you won't feel like you are doing them out of a holiday

OohhThatsMe Thu 24-Nov-16 18:31:46

The cheeky things! How would they like it if you invited one of them to Christmas lunch?

Obviously you have to stand with your partner on this - they are insulting and rude and stupid, too, as now they won't have their grandchildren with them, either.

Cuttingthecheese Thu 24-Nov-16 18:32:23

Send the kids and have a holiday with your DH?

Owllady Thu 24-Nov-16 18:33:09

They sound toxic sad
Have they always Bern controlling of your life choices?

M00nUnit Thu 24-Nov-16 18:34:38

You'd be being very disloyal to your DP if you went without him. I'd imagine he'd be really hurt.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Thu 24-Nov-16 18:34:48

That's incredibly rude of them! I wouldn't go. You say it's nice for your dc but you would likely hate every minute.

FlyingElbows Thu 24-Nov-16 18:35:10

Your children may very well enjoy the holiday but think about what the "daddy isn't welcome as part of our family" message teaches them. You would be taking a stand and a very valuable stand at that. I know it's a rare view on mn but your children won't expire from a lack of foreign holiday.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Thu 24-Nov-16 18:39:06

No way. At all. That is controlling and spiteful behaviour. If they can't get over themselves then they don't get to be part of your unit. That sort of shit is poisonous to your children.

expatinscotland Thu 24-Nov-16 18:40:25

The sofa bed for three kids and blow up bed for me would be the end of that. That's not a holiday.

gamerchick Thu 24-Nov-16 18:41:26

Send the kids and have some time alone with your bloke?

Airborne Thu 24-Nov-16 18:41:38

Although they have the grandkids for the odd half term in their own home in the UK, being in another country with three under 10's would be a bit hard for them to manage, they are all under 10. Parents are in their mid to late 70's and healthy but...still. I haven't told my DP about the offer and I probably won't as it will not improve relations. Yes they have been quite controlling over my choices throughout life - they have supported me through college etc. but it comes without encouragement and guilt.

OohhThatsMe Thu 24-Nov-16 18:42:11

True, expat - who'd want to sleep on a blow up bed?

Msqueen33 Thu 24-Nov-16 18:42:25

My parents and dh don't get on. My mother is quite particular about doing things her way which resulted in a huge argument where dh shouted at her and then half an hour later she shouted at him. They have different views and DPs see him as arrogant.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's tense if DH goes but he's your DH so it's not fair to leave behind. Couldn't your parents suck it up for your sake?

gamerchick Thu 24-Nov-16 18:43:43

Then just don't reply to the email for the minute until you're feeling more calm and measured.

expatinscotland Thu 24-Nov-16 18:43:45

'Although they have the grandkids for the odd half term in their own home in the UK, being in another country with three under 10's would be a bit hard for them to manage, they are all under 10. Parents are in their mid to late 70's and healthy but...still.'

Mine are older and I still wouldn't send them on their own. And I love my folks and they're fab and love DH, too. I know some people are fine with that, but I'm not.

Ineededtonamechange Thu 24-Nov-16 18:44:38

No way would I go. You are sending the message that they are right and your DP is not good enough.

Hell would freeze over before I allowed my parents to think that I agree with them in their hatred of my DP.

What message is that sending the children?

YWNBU not to go....

Owllady Thu 24-Nov-16 18:44:44

I'd just say no then for now. Just make a benign excuse up as to why you cannot go.
Then start to think about ways to slowly change this dynamic x

acornsandnuts Thu 24-Nov-16 18:46:11

Imagine if your DPs parents did this to you, asked him and the children to go away without you. How would you feel being the one left behind? I honestly could never do that to someone I cared about. It would be a big NO from me.

Lovewineandchocs Thu 24-Nov-16 18:46:23

I would absolutely not go on holiday with them in these circumstances and wouldn't send the DC either. I'd tell them no and be very clear about why.

SouthWindsWesterly Thu 24-Nov-16 18:48:28

Nope. Wouldn't go. Either you're a family or not. I warn you though - watchmiut for the flying monkeys and major storms as if they've tried to control you all your life passive aggressively, it may all come to the forefront now.

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 24-Nov-16 18:50:15

What Lovewineandchocs said ^^

roundandroundthehouses Thu 24-Nov-16 18:50:16

I wouldn't go anywhere my husband wasn't welcome. I also wouldn't let my DC go anywhere that their Dad wasn't welcome. If your parents are going to treat your DP like that, then IMO they should forfeit their right to see his children. Perhaps your DC would love the holiday, but you could arrange something different for the five of you. You may not be able to afford the same type of holiday, but you'd all be together.

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