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To be left feeling uncomfortable about this conversation.

(126 Posts)
DeleteOrDecay Thu 24-Nov-16 13:04:07

As I was putting dc in the car after picking up the eldest from nursery, I noticed one of the parents drive past in their car. Shortly after one of the grandparents of one of the children in dd's class, who I've chatted to briefly before, walked past and started talking to me. She mentioned the car which had just driven past the school, and how the child in the back wasn't strapped in and she knew this because he was 'leaning forward'.

She then went on to say that 'those asians get away with it don't they, not like us'. I was a bit shock by this, and was busy getting dc strapped in so I kind of just made an 'mmm' sound and then she left. But it's left me feeling a bit uncomfortable and now I feel like I don't really want to talk to this grandparent anymore as we clearly have differing views. I didn't see whether the child in the back was strapped in or not but I don't see how race/where someone comes from was relevant. Aibu to feel uncomfortable about this brief encounter?

Greengoddess12 Thu 24-Nov-16 13:08:50

Well different cultures do have different attitudes to safety op.

You only need to go abroad to see the difference and not saying it's 'better' here just different.

Still this grandparent does sound daft as kids can lean forward in a car even strapped in.

I personally wouldn't blank her as that's childish but keep chatter brief. Isn't it a smile and nod at nursery pick up anyway?

DeleteOrDecay Thu 24-Nov-16 13:11:57

Oh no I wouldn't completely blank her, that would be really awkward. I just meant that she seemed nice initially and I wouldn't have minded becoming friendly with her but now I don't feel like she's the sort of person I'd want to become friendly with now (maybe that's judgey of me??). Happy to smile and say hello at pick up but that's it iykwim.

Mrsemcgregor Thu 24-Nov-16 13:12:39

You can't just say "all Asians" are unconcerned with safety. That's shocking!!!

Disengage with her. I have no time to hear bigotry in my day.

Allthewaves Thu 24-Nov-16 13:13:34

She might be racist, people are. Just smile and nod - it's not like she's your best friend.

yellowflags Thu 24-Nov-16 13:13:50

Yanbu op.
I would be civil but not friendly, and be on the alert so that next time she says something racist I wasn't too surprised to say anything, but has the wherewithal to pull her up on it straight away.

If your kids are friendly, be alert to similar attitudes being repeated by the grand daughter/ your dc too.

crayfish Thu 24-Nov-16 13:13:56

Of course it's not judgy of you to not want to be friends with a racist. The conversation would have made me feel uncomfortable too. What did she even mean that 'those Asians get away with it' - how?

golfbuggy Thu 24-Nov-16 13:14:10

I'm not sure how putting a child into a car seat stops you pointing out that someone is making a very racist remark. Because the grandparent will now assume that you do share her point of view.

Ahickiefromkinickie Thu 24-Nov-16 13:15:55

Greengodess12 it's irrelevant what they do abroad, drivers in the UK have to obey UK rules.

This woman's comment was racist as it implied Asians get preferential treatment (which is ridiculous).

Rather than continuing to 'chatter hmm ' with this woman, next time she says something racist, OP should ask her to explain what she said and then tell her she is uncomfortable with racist comments.

HateSummer Thu 24-Nov-16 13:16:45

Well different cultures do have different attitudes to safety op.

Well that's a really thick thing to say if you look at the context. Even people from different cultures living in the UK abide by the law ok? My culture has no effect on how I view safety living in this country!

The grandparent was obviously implying Asian people get away with being unsafe! What a stupid person. I'd have no qualms about blanking them.

BertrandRussell Thu 24-Nov-16 13:17:12

She's a racist. Cut her dead if she speaks to you again.

And it was completely irrelevant that she is a grandmother. There are racists of all ages.

Greengoddess12 Thu 24-Nov-16 13:18:25

Yes smile and nod op there are idiots everywhere.

Personally I wouldn't challenge a grandparent as they may have totally different attitudes to their child(the parent here) and you could be stirring up trouble for your child.

My parents spout crap like this too. They are late 80s and my kids a I challenge them but I guess they are products of their generation although not generalising.

DeleteOrDecay Thu 24-Nov-16 13:18:31

I'm not sure how putting a child into a car seat stops you pointing out that someone is making a very racist remark. Because the grandparent will now assume that you do share her point of view.

I have anxiety and I'm not good with confrontation. I was also a bit bemused as it was unexpected. One of those moments where you think of the right thing to say when it's too late.

Glad to know i wasn't just over thinking her comment though. Her gc and my dd know each other but aren't particularly friendly I don't think.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace Thu 24-Nov-16 13:21:11

Bert yes, it's irrelevant as a context for racism - but pleasingly, nobody's actually said 'well, OP, she is probably from a different era' - but since she was a grandparent, I'm not sure how else the OP could have phrased it, to be honest. We would say 'one of the other mums'.

As long as nobody comes on and says 'cut her some slack, she's from a racist generation', this thread can avoid going down that particular route!

BertrandRussell Thu 24-Nov-16 13:21:13

Can we not do the "different generation" thing? Please?

A racist is a racist. Why would you want to smile and nod at her?

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace Thu 24-Nov-16 13:21:25

Oh grin

Greengoddess12 Thu 24-Nov-16 13:21:40


Good username there do calm down dear and go travel. We have lived in countries where whole families travel on scooters clinging onto dad and that doesn't mean they love their children less it's they have different priorities and outlooks. They love their kids as much as anyone else.

However op yes she sounds daft and my advice is smile and nod.

Cutting anyone dead is very very childish.

SVJAA Thu 24-Nov-16 13:22:29

A mum of a new child starting talking to us at the gates this morning, she seemed nice enough until she said "the only reason I sent xxxx here is because our local one is overrun with bloody foreigners, this one isn't much better but it'll do." I was literally standing open mouthed after that! Funnily enough I avoided her at pick up time!

DeleteOrDecay Thu 24-Nov-16 13:23:06

And it was completely irrelevant that she is a grandmother.

I know it's not relevant but how else would I describe her?

BertrandRussell Thu 24-Nov-16 13:24:00

The racist bit is not the different attitude to safety.

The racist bit is "these asians get away with it, don't they, not like us"

Greengoddess12 Thu 24-Nov-16 13:25:07

No not saying cut her some slack at all but for the op to challenge a grandparent outside a nursery could be inappropriate and turn into a slanging match or a nasty ongoing situation for her or her child.

If the grandparent had said 'I hate Asians let's tell her to fuck off home' then of course that would be far far more serious.

And sorry yes attitudes do change with generations thank god and it's stupid to deny that.

SeekEveryEveryKnownHidingPlace Thu 24-Nov-16 13:27:13

Goddess A grandparent of a primary aged child could be in her early 50s! My mother is 63 and would not dream of coming out with - or thinking - any such thing, and nor would any of her friends!

NavyandWhite Thu 24-Nov-16 13:30:04

Meh. This would be enough for me to swerve her in future howeve nice she may seem.

I am pretty brutal when it comes to racist remarks and I almost definitely would have questioned her.

WouldHave Thu 24-Nov-16 13:32:45

I really think it's quite offensive to say that grandparents should in effect be expected to be racist because they must be old and that's to be expected from their generation. People can be grandparents at the age of 40, and frankly racism isn't excusable at any age.

buckingfrolicks Thu 24-Nov-16 13:36:10

I tend to say something like, 'that's not my experience' and move on!

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