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TO stop contacting people to see if they ever contact me.

(60 Posts)
doyouwantamedalorsomething Wed 23-Nov-16 19:54:08

A few things have happened recently that have made me realise there are a few people that never contact me. They always respond if I text them and are happy to meet but never suggest arrangements.

I've had a bit of a difficult time and it really highlighted when I wasn't making the effort who I would never speak to again.

Am I being petty? I feel like if someone hasn't heard from me for months and isn't bothered that I haven't texted them then maybe I don't want to make the effort anymore.

Watto1 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:56:04

I did that with a group of friends I had about 20 years ago. Got sick of being the one to arrange things do I stopped. Still waiting to hear from them!

Watto1 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:56:32

So not do

lokivonpoki Wed 23-Nov-16 19:57:33

I feel like that aswell at the moment.

I'm the one who always initiates contact, I'm not going to bother from now on.

sorry not helpful advice, but at least you know that you're not the only one smile

harderandharder2breathe Wed 23-Nov-16 19:58:39

Do it as long as you would be okay with the friendship fading, bitter experience talking here sad

MrsRhettButler Wed 23-Nov-16 19:59:07

I'm the shit friend, I would contact on bdays or occasions only. So you would hear from me but maybe not very soon. (Depending on how far away your bday is)

SianiMoomin Wed 23-Nov-16 20:00:12

Yes I have done this too! It gets on my nerves always being the one to organise things. You soon see who can be bothered and who can't...

Lorelei76 Wed 23-Nov-16 20:00:16

They are often the type who will go to the opening of an envelope
There was a thread a while back where someone said "if you get invited you go"
But if they never bother with you otherwise why not leave it, seems fine to me.

altiara Wed 23-Nov-16 20:02:02

You're not being petty, but at the same time some people may struggle to organise things and genuinely think no one will come if they arrange something. You can't know what other people are thinking even if they appear on the surface perfectly capable.
On the other hand, I'd still expect people to make an effort if you're having a difficult time, sending a simple text to say they're thinking of you shouldn't be too difficult. I struggle sometimes. Just see how it pans out.

helpnc Wed 23-Nov-16 20:04:13

I inadvertently cut off a massive bunch of friends over time through sheer anxiety and insecurity. I liked them very much and miss them.

Some people, like me, are weird, it doesn't mean they don't care, but as you say, it doesn't make them good friends either, so I wouldn't blame you. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.

W8woman Wed 23-Nov-16 20:06:01

During terrible times, the most surprising people will comfort you and the most surprising people will fail you. Don't get hung up on phone contact and nights out - the friends that make the most effort there will just be the natural extroverts, not your most reliable mates.

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 23-Nov-16 20:06:01

I did this. Some friends I don't hear from anymore. Others made the effort after a while and we are still friends and I don't resent the effort anymore because it is returned. Also worth remembering that people have lots of balls in the air and maybe are genuinely caught up in busy lives forgetting to socialise. I know I am guilty of this. In fact, last night I realised it's been about a month since I saw my close friend and made a mental note to text her. Then I forgot all about it and She herself texted me today! She may be thinking I don't make any effort with her when really I planned to but it went out of my head.

maxfielder20 Wed 23-Nov-16 20:06:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsRhettButler Wed 23-Nov-16 20:10:20

I don't know if this is relevant but I'm actually amazing in an emergency, will literally drop everything to help a friend in need so it's not that I don't care about my friends I'm just busy and enjoy free time to myself.
During the course of my adult life I've had 3 different friends come to live with me all for long periods of time due to them becoming homeless so I'm not horrible but I'm VERY unorganised and I honestly don't think to just 'check in' with people.
I wish I was more thoughtful.
Maybe your friends are a bit like that?

user1470997562 Wed 23-Nov-16 20:10:47

I think some people arrange things, some have more time, some are rubbish at it because they lack confidence or have very little time or are lazy.

It doesn't define a good friend to me, whether or not they are good at arranging things.

Potatoooooo Wed 23-Nov-16 20:14:08

Well I say communication is 50/50 agreement.
If you're messaging them and they respond to you that's 50/50.
I think what you're saying here is that they don't make arrangements to do things with you? I would just confront them and ask why, rather than leaving it to see if they will.

Thefishewife Wed 23-Nov-16 20:17:54

I have done this I haven't seen or spoken to my sister in 4 years and serval friends

I can't be arse PC any more I have 3 children a cat and a pt time job I can't be arsed chasing people

Warl Wed 23-Nov-16 20:21:50

Did it with the MIL seen her 4 times since January..... suits me!!!

RhiWrites Wed 23-Nov-16 20:24:09

I did this and found that lots of people I never speak to any more. So it works but you probably need new friends to replace the old ones.

DoYouRememberJustinBobby Wed 23-Nov-16 20:27:00

I did this and I feel so much better for having my life free of resentment. Friendship isn't a one way street.

Ragwort Wed 23-Nov-16 20:28:23

I seem to have the opposite problem - I am contacted all the time by people wanting to meet up, I don't know why I am so popular, I rarely contact anyone and long for peace and quiet and for people to leave me alone grin. I have a whole list of people waiting for replies to emails & phone calls (I purposely don't use any other form of social media) I know I shouldn't complain but I honestly wish I knew why so many people seem to want to spend time with me !!!!

Oblomov16 Wed 23-Nov-16 20:48:09

I find it very offensive. I'm going to try harder to make zero effort with such people in future.

doyouwantamedalorsomething Wed 23-Nov-16 20:51:32

It's not my oldest or best friends it's more mum group friends or slightly more distant ones. At the same time I am constantly being invited to join new groups and go on new nights out and I find my self assessing people thinking what's the point of making new friends if they are just going to drift in and out and move on to the next people.

I hate to say anything about the dreaded FB but people who are all best friends and tagging you one minute and the next they are all over someone else.

That. That's what's pissing me off.

Thanks for all the comments though, good to know others in same boat.

user1470997562 Wed 23-Nov-16 21:09:15

I changed my expectations. Some people are friends for life (whether or not they organise things). Others are fickle. Some may be there for a drink next Friday, maybe not. Some will come into your life for a month, a year a decade then depart. Some will only be there whilst they want something from you. I sort of learned to distinguish and treat appropriately. But you don't have to shun all because they don't fit one pattern. You just have to be better at evaluating.

BarbarianMum Wed 23-Nov-16 21:14:03

I weeded my friendship group this way some years ago. Prepare to never hear from them again. I was kind of sad about it at the time but the truth was that I was becoming more and more resentful about the one-sidedness of the friendships. One "friend" still sends me a Christmas card each year telling me she's going to ring me to catch up. After 4.5 years I'm not holding my breath. hmm

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