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To be upset with DUncle giving money to ExH?

(16 Posts)
user1475501383 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:02:56

Backstory: ExH and I are in court proceedings ever since when I got together with DP he stopped all contact between me and DS for quite many months and refused any mediation efforts.

Since then, things have gotten better with regards to contact between DS and I, although ExH is clearly reluctant to agree to anything more than the current rather restrictive situation, and it won't be enough in the long run. Especially as DS get shipped off to ExH's parents a lot of the time because of ExH's work. It's quite upsetting as I may not be able to see DS at all during Christmas, for example, unless ExH uncharacteristically agrees, because Christmas celebrations fall on days that are not in the current contact order agreed to by consent.

However, a week ago it transpired that my DUncle has been sending money to ExH for the past 6 months. Officially, the money is for DS. But, here's the thing. The account is solely managed by ExH (and he is known for his drug habits of cannabis and a class A drug).

In other news, the legal fees my DPs have paid for me so far have totalled £29 000 and I have now had to let go of legal representation.

AIBU for being angry at DU going behind my back, sending money to ExH and not telling me this either? (I heard from DM.)

FYI ExH is certainly not struggling with money.

I've been homeless and then again at the brink of homelessness, suffering a long list of misfortunes in the hands of ExH (turning mutual friends against me by offering them his professional services worth £1000s for free), and granted, my DUncle once lent me £400 when I really needed it during this time period (which I still owe him), but...

AIBU for being angry that these 'gifts' weren't even discussed with me? I mean, will DS ever see that money? I don't understand.

The heating's off today so I thought what's the worst that can happen at AIBU, getting a roasty flaming might warm me up nicely today! got chestnuts ready at hand brew

whyohwhy000 Wed 23-Nov-16 21:03:08

between DS and I It's "me and DS".

I think your uncle could have at least told you that he was doing it.

DamePlata Wed 23-Nov-16 21:04:43

That is very strange. If he wants to put money away for your DS you'd be the more obvious choice surely. It's disloyal, it's hurtful, it's foolish, it's a waste of money confused

OohhThatsMe Wed 23-Nov-16 21:07:26

Whyohwhy000, why be pedantic AND ignorant? You are completely wrong.

OohhThatsMe Wed 23-Nov-16 21:08:07

Can you talk to your uncle and tell him that your son hasn't seen a penny of that money, but that your ex has a drug habit so that's probably where it's going to?

pipsqueak25 Wed 23-Nov-16 21:08:44

sounds really off tbh but the money thing is your du 's choice and not yours, ds will still have to be fed clothed and have a roof over his head wherever he is residing at any given time, as ex p parents care for him they presumably are financing ds's needs. is it possible to tell du what you have told us ? if ex p really is dealing drugs i think the courts would be very interested in that aspect with child welfare to consider.

pipsqueak25 Wed 23-Nov-16 21:12:35

why oh why worry about the op's grammar ? can't say what i really want to as i'll get deleted - ouch! grin just stick to the point of the thread and offer something sensible, like, advice ?

chinam Wed 23-Nov-16 21:15:57

whyohwhy000' what a marvellous contribution you've made to the thread.
Op, it's up to your uncle to decide how to use his own money but I do think it's a crap thing to do unless there is a massive back story.

memyselfandaye Wed 23-Nov-16 21:18:33

whyohwhy Did you really have to do that?


user1475501383 Wed 23-Nov-16 21:19:33

Thanks for your views!

I've spoken with DUncle and he says he only meant well; I've explained my POV but not sure if DU pays much attention to it - including the drug issues - and yes it's being investigated in the proceedings now although ExH has blatantly lied about it.

By the way, regarding the grammar, I'm a foreigner grin

PaulAnkaTheDog Wed 23-Nov-16 21:19:37

But your uncle is sending money for your son. You say your ex has a well known class A addiction, is that known to your uncle? You also say your ex isn't short of money, so why would you assume or expect your uncle to assume he is spending the money for your son? Why does your ex, who has an addiction to Class A drugs, have custody of your son and not you?

There are many things going on here that make it too difficult to say 'Your uncle's wrong' without more information.

user1475501383 Wed 23-Nov-16 21:23:18

Hi PaulAnka,

Yes Uncle knows or at least the information has been out there for him to know for the past 3+ years. Not sure if he cares.

ExH does not have custody of DS. He effectively kidnapped my DS and we are in custody proceedings (for nearly a year now)

Crunchymum Wed 23-Nov-16 21:37:46

I'm confused. Why have you spent 29k on legal fees when you ex is a drug addict who kidnapped your child?

Sounds like you uncle giving your ex money is part of a much bigger story?

PaulAnkaTheDog Wed 23-Nov-16 21:45:00

£29000 of legal fees and the man who kidnapped your child still holds all the cards? Get a better lawyer. Seriously though, it doesn't seem like you're telling the whole story and I think that due to that it's pretty difficult to say if your Uncle is being unreasonable.

user1475501383 Wed 23-Nov-16 21:51:26

Hi Crunchymum

I'm confused too confused

I guess this is why:

1. Lawyers cost £250 plus vat per hr, barristers £2000 per Court hearing, so once you get involved, that's quite an expensive ride

2. ExH has denied/minimised his well-known drug habits. He has now agreed to cannabis testing (but the class A test won't happen). I'm quite surprised, as it might mean he's actually off his 20 year old established pot habit.

2b. It appears that it's a myth that a drug using parent is a welfare concern.

3. I'm medicated for depression and I also have AS. ExH has painted a picture of me as a huge threat to DS.

4. Fundamentally, a legal battle takes a long time and it's extremely complex. Social services do not get involved unless they perceive immediate welfare concerns; they just direct you to the Court.

user1475501383 Wed 23-Nov-16 21:57:45

FYI a lot of court hearings don't really go anywhere in the beginning, especially when a child needs an independent legal guardian and needs to be funded independently by public funds and the public funding is really, really difficult to come by. This particular issue made the hearings be postponed by around 6 months, yet we met at court every month and Barrister took £2000 a pop.

Barrister did great job though getting ExH agree by consent to a particular amount of regular contact between DS and I. (is this really a grammatical error?)

Lawyers are expensive. One email is £25. One phone call at least £50. Possibly there are cheaper ones but these ones were good.

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