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To claim CSA but not let ex see DS?

(53 Posts)
Frumpy1 Wed 23-Nov-16 16:45:11

So I'm pregnant with my exes baby, we have now split & have agreed to no contact (not really agreed, it just ended really really badly)...due to his behaviour I was forced to contact the police who agreed that I should ensure no contact is made for mine & the baby's safety (ex was abusive).

However, they have also said that due to the situation, it may not be suitable for him to have contact or if he did for it to be supervised.

AIBU to go ahead & claim CSA when DS is born??

PatriciaHolm Wed 23-Nov-16 17:12:11

Of course. The money and access are completely unrelated.

BratFarrarsPony Wed 23-Nov-16 17:13:41

yes go ahead the two issues are separate. (just what PH said but in a different way..grin)

Trifleorbust Wed 23-Nov-16 17:15:39

Yes. It's his fault, not yours, that he can't be trusted. Why should that mean you pay for everything?

Starlight2345 Wed 23-Nov-16 17:18:24

Yes you are not unreasonable to claim Maintenance.

However Do be aware the police don't get to determine contact..SS or courts are involved in that.

DrCoconut Wed 23-Nov-16 17:20:08

I'd say it depends on if you need the money. I didn't claim. I had a totally clean break with my abusive ex and have never looked back, best move I ever made. I agree in principle both parents should pay but sometimes peace of mind is worth more.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 23-Nov-16 17:23:08

Think about it as 'best interests'. Is it in your child's best interests to have contact? No. Is it in your child's best interests to have money for day to day expenses but also savings, university or similar? Yes.

They aren't connected.

Frumpy1 Wed 23-Nov-16 17:34:15

I guess I've grown to believe that if a guy doesn't get to see their kids then they shouldn't pay for them however as I've got older, I've realised that way of thinking is wrong & people are treating their kids as property!

I'm worried that should I claim, it may make him seek me out for contact with DS

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 23-Nov-16 17:41:53

It's not about him. It's about his child. And, he could have chosen not to be abusive, the baby can't choose not to have needs.

dalmatianmad Wed 23-Nov-16 17:44:38

As above, the two are completely different,your baby isn't "pay per view" even if arsehole ex doesn't see the baby he still has to pay what your baby is entitled to smile

GrinchyMcGrincherson Wed 23-Nov-16 17:46:51

I'm worried that should I claim, it may make him seek me out for contact with DS

That is the risk you have to weigh up. They are two totally different things but he is entitled to see his son as his default right and as such does have a right to fight you in court for access. he may try to play the "I will drop the court case for access if you drop the request for maintenance" card. If he was abusive and this is on police record you have a good case for allowing contact (in a contact centre) pre court and then pushing for limited supervised or even no contact in court (depending on scale of abuse)

Only you can make the decision. Good luck.

JellyBelli Wed 23-Nov-16 17:47:42

I guess I've grown to believe that...I expect you were told that. Its not really something you come to believe without a reason.
Absent and abusive men are responsible for their kids as well as the good ones.

category12 Wed 23-Nov-16 17:53:44

The money is to help you support your child. Nothing to do with access.

If I were you, I would get legal advice and support from DV services now so that you know the systems and protections that there are, and have them in place for the future. Arrange things so that you should never have to deal with him directly and if he does go after contact with the baby (he may not) police advice is followed and it's supervised at a contact centre or the like.

WLF46 Wed 23-Nov-16 17:56:42

It's up to social services to decide whether he is fit to see his child (if he wants to), not the police and not you either.

But the child support payments are a separate matter. You are entitled to claim them, whether you should or not is a matter of necessity and of your conscience.

Does your desire to never again have dealings with your ex feel stronger than your desire (or need) for his money? Only you can decide that. Being financially dependent on him may affect your mental well-being more than his money helps your situation.

bakewelltarty Wed 23-Nov-16 18:02:06

Since when do the Police decide contact?
Especially when they only have one side of a story.

For what it's worth, no you are not wrong to claim CSA. He needs to contribute to his child.

I would however, think long and hard about contact. He may have been a shit to you but to actively not allow contact with his child is extremely serious and should only be done if he really is a threat to the child.

Frumpy1 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:03:41

I don't think it's fair to say it's only up to SS to decide if he can have access & not me.

I am not going through 9 months of pregnancy & god knows how many hours of labour/birth for an organisation to start making decisions in MY child's life....SS's have let far too many children down & have shown that they cannot be trusted to make the right decisions even with the evidence in front of them.

Frumpy1 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:08:23

When a man admits that he will use violence I.E smacking and hitting to discipline a child....are you going to openly allow access??

What about if he walks into my sons life when my son is older and obviously does not know him?? Is it fair to force him to go with someone he has no idea who they are??? No it could be detrimental to his mental health....that's like someone forcing someone else to have a relationship with someone they don't know....you know arranged marriages, funny that! There's organisations to stop that sort of thing.

Why should my baby potentially have his world turned upside down when my asshole of an ex decides oh I want to be a dad now.

Frumpy1 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:09:27

the police didn't decide that he cannot have access, they simply gave me advice on if ex tries to go for unsupervised access.

GizmoFrisby Wed 23-Nov-16 18:10:08

I have done the same as Drcoconut.
Don't want his money, don't want ds to have any involvement.
Don't want anything thrown in my face either. Solicitor worked out when in court he owed 7000 in csa. Tossergrin

GizmoFrisby Wed 23-Nov-16 18:12:36

If you prove he's unfit yes you can stop him but you need evidence and court etc takes years. I have a court order against my sons dad. I had text messages and a lot of proof of his behaviour, not turning up to visits,acting like a twat in court, phone recordings etc. You can't just decide he's not seeing him I don't think hmm

AyeAmarok Wed 23-Nov-16 18:13:58

Just because he's a shit and a danger to you and your DS, doesn't mean he should also get away with not having to pay for his child.

The contact is separate.

category12 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:17:37

Yes, you can. If you're no contact and don't put him on the birth certificate, then to get access he would have to apply through the courts. He may choose not to. The courts might decide he gets it or not, or supervised or not. but there's no reason to make it easy for him.

In cases of DV, about 60% are also directly violent/abusive to their dc according to some safeguarding literature.

There's no reason she should assume he'll be fine with the baby and no reason to promote him having contact with the child.

Frumpy1 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:26:53

I'd rather him have no dad than a shit one.....I don't want him to mess with his head, he's already said in the past that when he sees our son and he's old enough, he'll be sure to turn him against me.

Fact is, he's selfish.....he doesn't care about others, he just wants to hurt them whether that's physically or emotionally.

bakewelltarty Wed 23-Nov-16 18:39:20

Op you are obviously very upset and I'm sure your experiences with your ex have affected you detrimentally.

I'm afraid the fact that you have carried the child for nine months would mean nothing to the Family Court if your ex applies for contact.They will be looking for evidence that your ex is an unfit father. If there is none and they believe that it is your child's right to have contact with his father then they will order it and you will have to abide by it. They will only look at what is best for the child no one else.

You should make sure that you keep any evidence of abusive and/or violent behaviour and Police reports. You will need this as evidence in court if your ex decides to go down this route for access to his child.

Frumpy1 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:47:01

Access for the first 6 months would be restricted whether the courts or my ex like it or not.

I will exclusively be breastfeeding & courts cannot force me to be there when he has access due to the circumstances I.E abuse & they won't part mother and baby for very long due to breastfeeding & needing to be fed!

I will NOT be bottle feeding at all, that is my right to breastfeed and because it's the best for the baby.

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