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Who is wrong?!!

(65 Posts)
Tryingtostayyoung Wed 23-Nov-16 16:39:38

Not sure if IABU and insensitive or if DH is being a massive cock.
Background- I've been a SAHM since DD was born, 4years ago, since then I have done everything around the house apart from a few things that DH did and genuinely didn't mind this. We were both happy with this arrangement. He's a very hands on dad and she is very much both of our responsibility when we are both here AND he's amazing with diy, if everything needs repairing he will do it without any nagging and will give up his entire weekend to do things for us round the house.
DD starts school next September and is now in nursery quite abit in preparation and because she loves it, I have been working part time around her hours while she is there and we came to an arrangement with DH where he was going to do more around the house because I was also working abit, this has been fine so far, no problems.
The place where I work has asked me if I would like to do more hours which I talked over with DH and we decided that I should do it but it came with agreement that he would do a few more things to help than we originally agreed. Everyone was happy.
This weekend we had a huuuuuge leak in our house, the living room was ruined. Flooring has had to come up, furniture and wallpaper ruined and just aggravation since we've literally only just finished the work in there, DH was understandably upset and devastated after all his hard work renovating it. He took yesterday and Monday off work to start sorting it out and Tuesday was my log day at work (finished at 4). I called him on the way home and he admitted he had done hardly anything to repair the damage as he was exhausted from Sunday night (he was up until 4:00 trying to stop the water coming in etc) fair enough, he deserves a day to himself with DD. I come home and the house was a bomb site, clothes everywhere, washing up from breakfast, DD not bathed, washing dry but not put away, wrappers and food boxes all over the kitchen, he obviously had walked in the house after the rain and hadn't bothered to give the carpet a hoover. I was upset, he never ever comes home to our house like that, how often is it ever going to happen that he's home and I'm at work, I felt he could have made an effort to just do something. So I come in, clear up abit, wash up and tell him I'm hurt, he's uncharacteristically not bothered. He then didn't even offer to make me dinner, bath DD or anything. Later on I confronted him and told him I was so upset that the first week I did these longer hours he was actually at home and could have contributed at home a lot more and that he hadn't even offered to put some dinner on for me or DD (he didn't have dinner). He said he was tired, stressed and upset about everything and had just wanted to relax for the day which would have been fine for me if he had then apologised and said sorry I was a dick actually BUT he didn't, he thinks that he's 100% right to have literally not helped out at all.

TeaBelle Wed 23-Nov-16 16:43:15

I this k given the background of him being generally helpful etc, yes you are being a bit unreasonable. Yes he did deserve a day off to chill, esp if his weekend was full and stressful. If this happened end everytime he was off I can understand you being frustrated but can you honestly say you have never wanted some down time

WellErrr Wed 23-Nov-16 16:43:59

He's a lazy fucker.

WellErrr Wed 23-Nov-16 16:45:45

Seriously Tea? A day off to chill when the house is in that state?

He's a lazy twat who thinks its women's work. As soon as I read 'hands on dad' and that he's 'helpful' and sometimes gives up 'his' weekend to 'help' you I knew where this was going.

TowerRavenSeven Wed 23-Nov-16 16:46:07

Yanbu for being upset but maybe chalk it up to the leak and give him another chance? If he's anything like my dh amongst the mess he 'forgot' to do anything more? If he's not in the habit of it he really could have forgotten what he agreed to.

ShowMePotatoSalad Wed 23-Nov-16 16:47:30

He probably feels really de-motivated after what's happened. It can't be easy seeing all your hard work go to waste which you acknowledge. I personally would let this go, given the circumstances.

SapphireStrange Wed 23-Nov-16 16:51:47

He's being lazy and sulky.

His repairs have been ruined –that sucks, but a grown-up swears, kicks the furniture a bit, then gets on with it.

But to be honest, you/he kind of lost me anyway at if everything needs repairing he will do it without any nagging and will give up his entire weekend.

<<sarcastic round of applause>>

I'd bet my bottom dollar that you also do things 'without any nagging' and give up time at the weekend for the sake of the family.

DoubleCarrick Wed 23-Nov-16 16:51:48

Tbh if he's usually pretty good I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I come home and dh has done nothing because he has taken a chance to chill. Equally, dh will.come home today and I've done bugger all - should have put the washing away, cleaned the bathroom and washed bedding. He won't be bothered. We will both do it tonight/he will do it tonight or I will do it tomorrow. Sometimes housework doesn't need to take priority

TeaBelle Wed 23-Nov-16 16:52:21

Well - if this was a lady xomi g on to say that she was knackered and had a demotivating experience she would probably be told that housework will wait, have a bath, our your feet up. Works both ways, I'd never begrudge dh down time.

No not unreasonable. I think it is great that he is usually so helpful and hands on but when the shit hits the fan, no-one takes time off unless they are so tired they could hurt themselves doing something they shouldn't. I think given the circumstances, he should have mucked in as much as he could to try to get some work done. A bath or something after you had worked so hard would have taken minutes. No agree with you here.

Yamadori Wed 23-Nov-16 16:55:28

Considering you've just had the disaster of a major flood in the house, I'd cut him a little bit of slack this time.

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 23-Nov-16 16:55:54


He was up til 4am the night before? Give him a break. I would be pissed off at you if I was him.

Tryingtostayyoung Wed 23-Nov-16 16:56:00

I don't actually think I was bothered that it wasn't done, as I said at the end of my post it's more that he didn't even think yeah shit sorry i should of, I'm just really tired he thought he was well within his rights and I disagree.

Also I'm not saying that he's amazing for being "a hands on dad" or giving up his weekend for diy for us I was just trying to build a picture that he doesn't leave everything to me when he is here, he also normally contributes.

WellErrr Wed 23-Nov-16 16:56:38

I was reading some other threads lately about similar things, and wondering why there are so many lazy man-children around. This thread has demonstrated why. Because there are so many enablers.

Do you think, if the OP was home all day in a tip she'd just sit on her arse and 'chill?'
No, no she wouldn't, because she knows the mess won't just go away by itself so she'd get on with it.
The reason he doesn't he isn't because he can't. It's because he won't. Because its woman's work and he knows that she'll do it for him.

It's fucking appalling that so many people think this is ok. That people think that him giving up 'his' precious weekend time to 'help' his family is something that warrants a round of applause.

Trifleorbust Wed 23-Nov-16 16:57:35

If this is a one-off, YABU. We all have the occasional day like that. But my gut feeling from what you have said is that he is one of life's choosers: doesn't mind doing DIY but thinks dishes and washing up are your job. And if DIY took up as much time as housework, that wouldn't be as much of an issue - but it never does!

PigletWasPoohsFriend Wed 23-Nov-16 17:01:42

He was up til 4am the night before? Give him a break.

I agree

peri89 Wed 23-Nov-16 17:09:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable, because it's definitely frustrating to be at work and come home to a state if he's been in all day. But I get where he's coming from - he was up all night, generally is helpful and take his fair share of work. It just seems like a one off where he needs a break from the house having had all his work destroyed. It's annoying and frustrating for you to come home to, but I wouldn't be too hard on him unless it becomes a habit. These seem more like unusual circumstances to work with.

d270r0 Wed 23-Nov-16 17:13:35

I'd give him a break. He must have been knackered and needed a rest. He'd had no sleep. Its a one off hopefully, he sounds pretty good generally. Everyone needs a rest sometimes

peggyundercrackers Wed 23-Nov-16 17:14:00


expatinscotland Wed 23-Nov-16 17:16:41

Has there ever been a time when you were up all night with DD and then just 'chilled' and did FA? If the answer is no, then he's being unreasonable.

JustSpeakSense Wed 23-Nov-16 17:16:45

I think as it has only happened once, and it sounds as if normally he pitches in to help I'd give him a break this time.

He is probably disheartened after the work and money put into the renovation has been lost due to the flood.

He needs to get over it though, get a grip and start sorting it out, time for wallowing in self pity is now over.

expatinscotland Wed 23-Nov-16 17:18:36

What is all this, 'he sounds pretty good' 'he's good' 'he's usually good'. He's an adult, not a fucking dog. Does she get a pat on the head for behaving like an adult?

harderandharder2breathe Wed 23-Nov-16 17:20:14

Yabu, It's a one off, after a pretty big and shit thing happened, give the guy a break.

Of course if it happens every time you work a long day ywnbu but that's not the case here

WellErrr Wed 23-Nov-16 17:22:14

'He was up all night, let him rest' has got me in STITCHES.

Cause no SAHM has ever had reason to be up all night and then be expected to get on with not making the house a shithole the next day 😂😂

HummusForBreakfast Wed 23-Nov-16 17:24:25

He took TWO days off, the monday and the Tuesday to sort the mess out.
He didn't sort ANYTHING out at all.
His excuse of being tired is acceptable for the Monday, not for the Tuesday.
Besides, as other posters have pointed out, what it means is that it's the OP who is going to sort all this out, having had the same effort and stress from the leak.


I'm actually amazed that he could 'relax' and rest with all that mess around TBH.

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