To think it would be wrong to use a sperm donor?

(148 Posts)
wintersbranches Wed 23-Nov-16 16:01:31

Would it be wrong to forget trying to find somebody, and just have a baby alone? Would they grow up and hate me for not having a dad?

aprilanne Wed 23-Nov-16 16:10:30

personally i feel if you can afford to bring a baby up by yourself i dont see the problem lots of children are the products of a one night stand and maybe never see there father .so no i dont think your child would hate you .just be honest from the minute they are old enough to understand .when they are very young you can always say your daddy does,nt live with us is maybe in another country until they are old enough to fully understand .

minipie Wed 23-Nov-16 16:12:09

How old are you?

wintersbranches Wed 23-Nov-16 16:12:31

36 in January.

Hillarious Wed 23-Nov-16 16:14:38

That's something only you can decide.

wintersbranches Wed 23-Nov-16 16:15:36

I realise that but thought I'd ask anyway.

TwitterQueen1 Wed 23-Nov-16 16:15:48

It's not wrong (IMHO). And in your shoes I would have done the same, though I did meet someone and go on to have my youngest at nearly 40.

Worth investigating I think.

Sugarcoma Wed 23-Nov-16 16:21:25

Not trying to advise either way but read an interesting article about this topic yesterday where they interviewed a bunch of children who were conceived via sperm donor: nymag.com/thecut/2016/11/there-are-no-more-secrets-in-sperm-donation.html

Yawninghippo Wed 23-Nov-16 16:21:51

I had no father growing up as not even my mother knew for sure who it was and neither option wanted me. I knew nothing about anything until 16 when I found out some names and still now at 28 haven't actually had it confirmed for definite. I won't lie and say that during my teenage years I didn't feel angry and betrayed that everyone had known who my potential fathers were all my life and never thought to bring the subject up with me, but as an adult I actually prefer the fact that I didn't have one growing up. I honestly don't see a father as a missing part of me or similar, and believe that if the subject of where a particular child comes from ( sperm donor, ONS etc) is handled in a way that makes sense to the child and isn't hidden then you'll be fine. It's often mysteries that hurt more than answers.

FilledSoda Wed 23-Nov-16 16:21:57

No they won't hate you
Have you got a decent support network?
You will need it.
Have you got a sufficient income to do this alone ?
Have you looked into the practicalities ?
There has never been a harder time to get donor sperm ( in the UK.).
When the law changed allowing donor conceived children to access their father's details people stopped donating, its a nightmare trying to get donor sperm now.
There was a company that arranged temperature controlled deliveries to coincide with ovulation but they closed down a few years back.
If you decide to proceed with this privately get a full medical check done.

kimann Wed 23-Nov-16 16:22:03

A lovely friend of ours has done this and her child is in the same class as our daughter, both mother and child are very happy and her child has no issues when she does meet my husband - she's aware she has a mummy and my daughter has a mummy and a daddy. Go for it if you feel strongly about it. Good luck flowers

Notonthestairs Wed 23-Nov-16 16:22:39

Absolutely nothing wrong with it but make sure that you a) have the financial back up you need and b) family/friends to give you support. Being a lone parent (well, being any parent!) brings many challenges and you will need help along the way.

eatingtomuch Wed 23-Nov-16 16:26:35

My friend has used a special donor. She adores her DS but has found it very difficult. DS has been diagnosed ASD. I think what she finds hard is not having a significant other adult in her DS life. All childcare is done by her apart from a few friends and as his behaviour is becoming more challenging there are fewer friends volunteering. She has shared that she finds it very lonely at times.

I want to be clear that she loves her DS and wouldn't be without him now.

I think it would depend how involved and supportive my immediate family/friends would be. If you have a good network around you it would be worth exploring.

minipie Wed 23-Nov-16 16:28:32

Hmm

Have you had any fertility tests - if not I'd consider paying to have some (though of course they can't give a full picture) to see how things look.

I know quite a few people who have found their partner in their mid or late 30s and have gone on to have DC with them.

If fertility tests look ok I think I'd wait (and date...) for a couple of years and reassess then.

Also depends on your financial position - for example will you get paid maternity leave, will your salary cover childcare plus living expenses - and on whether you have other support eg family around. Going it alone on a very low income and with no family help is very different from doing it with a high income and nearby supportive family.

Remember that sperm donor babies now have a right to track down their father once they are older, how will you feel if your DC does this?

AndNowItsSeven Wed 23-Nov-16 16:30:29

I disagree, there are many children in care who have no parents or no suitable parent. Personally I think foster care or adoption is preferable.

maxfielder20 Wed 23-Nov-16 16:31:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

wintersbranches Wed 23-Nov-16 16:35:13

It wouldn't bother me if they wanted to find their father but I probably don't have enough support to do it on my own.

Namechangeemergency Wed 23-Nov-16 16:40:00

andnow adoption and fostercare (particularly fostercare) is not a simple alternative to having a birth child.
I wish people wouldn't keep suggesting it so glibly on these threads.

The OP is talking about having her own baby, not taking on an 5 year old and facilitating contact with siblings and birth parents.
Nor has she expressed a wish to be a professional carer.

EreniTheFrog Wed 23-Nov-16 16:42:49

I think the question is, as others have asked: could you manage a baby, toddler, child then teenager without a partner to support you practically, emotionally, financially? And if not, do you have a family or social circle which would provide that support?

indigox Wed 23-Nov-16 16:45:30

My DS is 6 and doesn't have a dad in his life, different situation but he does seem to have occasions where he wants that "dad figure" in his life. As for a support network, I have none, I moved to a new city where I knew no one, my family are 3+ hours away and I do everything on my own, and always have, it's not that hard.

WingedSloath Wed 23-Nov-16 16:46:23

The other thing to bear in mind is how would you cope if it was twins or your child was disabled in some way and required more care etc.

FilledSoda Wed 23-Nov-16 16:47:57

You know winter I've been where you are now and if you were my friend I'd strongly suggest freezing your eggs, the sooner the better.

EnthusiasmDisturbed Wed 23-Nov-16 16:52:06

your child can dislike and hate you for many things that is their choice to make, of course it might be an issue it would be silly to think that it wont be just because you have showered them with love we are more complex than that for some it might be but for some children it isn't

you have to be open to both prospects

Benedikte2 Wed 23-Nov-16 16:55:07

I would have opted for a donor if I'd been in your position OP.
Child is no more likely to hate you than one conceived with a partner.
More important is your commitment to single parenthood. Also preferrable you find a father figure for your child eg grandfather or uncle or male friend
Good luck

NattyTile Wed 23-Nov-16 16:58:24

I'm a single parent and there's never been a father around.

In my experience, tinies don't question it. If you mix in our circles then once you get to 3/4/5, other children will start asking where your Daddy is, since every family has a mummy and a daddy in their experience.

You just tell them No Daddy here, and they learn that not all families have them.

Thrn everything's fine until you hit teen hormones, when everything is always your fault and they wish they'd never been born, but that's just life, and when they come through the other side they remember they have a Mum who loves them so much she chose to have them and would do it all over again tomorrow.

Practically, single parenting when there really is no ex on the scene is different from dealing with co parenting. There are no expectations, so there is no disappointment, and there are no battles over custody or contact, and there's no one else rhe child can play you off against.

There's also no built in babysitter, no extra body turning up to help out at the end of the day, or able to do nursery pick ups etc.

Couples don't fully get the complications, nor do ex-couples. But good friends stay good friends, family is family, and at the end of the day you have a small person and you get to be Mum.

I don't think it's selfish. And I do think doing it now is better than paying to freeze eggs and trying to rebuild fertility later on.

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