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Surely people don't actually do this?

(184 Posts)
Rollonbedtime7pm Wed 23-Nov-16 14:15:47

Noticed on a lot of threads about husbands and chores that so many people often ask the OP "why are you cooking/washing/cleaning for him?"

AIBU to think not washing your partner's clothes or cooking them dinner when doing your own is just weird?! Do people really operate in a "I look after myself only" kind of way?

I can understand if your DH is totally taking the piss and lets you do everything then maybe you need to rethink the chore sharing but just for the principle of not being a stepford wife?! Or because he's an adult or whatever the weird reason? confused

DryIce Wed 23-Nov-16 14:18:02

I've only noticed it on threads where the partner is being a lazy arse about chores. Of course I don't do this in real life, but I might be tempted if my husband sat around like the king and expected to be waited on

KateInKorea Wed 23-Nov-16 14:19:26

I think it is more in the context of "why are you looking after this person and making his life comfortable, when he treats you like poo in return?".

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Wed 23-Nov-16 14:22:02

I'm happy to cook and wash for DH, because he does his share of other chores in return. I don't put his clothes away, pick them up off the floor or iron them though - that's his job to deal with his stuff.

When people ask that question on here though it's usually because the DP is being a tit.

mumgointhroughtorture Wed 23-Nov-16 14:22:17

Sometimes on here , I think a lot of posters live in a different world to other people . It's almost like a cult being on here coz many things I read , no one in the real world has a clue about ...
Surely it would cost more money to put on 2 loads of washing instead of 1 , cook 2 meals etc ... ?

Sheepersfluff Wed 23-Nov-16 14:22:58

People only say this in response to an op where the husband or partner is lazy and/or entitled.

Rollonbedtime7pm Wed 23-Nov-16 14:23:06

There was one that was a simple question about stain removal and someone piped up "why are you doing his washing anyway?"


You can wash your husband's clothes and still be a feminist! wink

RhodaBull Wed 23-Nov-16 14:23:21

I don't understand this either. I wash/cook/clean etc etc because dh leaves the house at 6am and returns at 7.30pm and I do not work.

I know a woman who does nothing for her dh as she maintains that she is a SAH mother and not a SAH wife . He has his own bathroom which he cleans, he washes his own clothes and even has to cook his own dinner every evening (dh spotted him in Sainsbury's once with a huge pile of ready meals for one in his trolley). It seems actually more effort to make sure all household tasks are strictly divided. And I'm confused about a marriage where you operate like flatmates - but with even more rules and resentment.

justdontevenfuckingstart Wed 23-Nov-16 14:23:33

I think a lot of people post what they think the MN collective may think in theory. But in practise no it doesn't happen. And agree with pps.

Letmesleepalready Wed 23-Nov-16 14:23:44

I think it depends if the husband helps or not. If there seems to be a unequal division of labour, then not doing stuff that they would notice not getting done is one way of showing them that there is work involved in running the home. If I stopped washing his clothes, he'd soon run out of clean clothes, but if I stopped cleaning the windows or dusting it wouldn't affect him for a long time. So laundry and cooking are the 2 things that have the most impact the fastest. And you could say that the partner who never cleans or cooks is pretty much not only already looking after himself but also expecting others to look after him.
As it is, DH is helpful at home and with the kids, so not an issue here.

Trifleorbust Wed 23-Nov-16 14:25:08

I think it is a comment reserved for when a woman is doing 'the wife work' and her partner is being a lazy bastard. Usually the thread will reveal that they both work full time, have separate finances, split bills etc., so there is no earthly reason why the woman is running round after him. It doesn't mean most people in most relationships don't do things for each other.

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Nov-16 14:26:35

I don't wash or iron my husbands clothes, no, I can't understand why I would even consider that. He's all grown up and does that himself. I will cook dinner for both if I'm cooking though, if I'm not he makes his own, or sometimes will make for both of us. I still probably do more of the household chores, like tidying or dishwasher emptying, or towel laundering, although we have a cleaner who does the general stuff, and he does more of the garden.

I don't find the thought of not doing his laundry as he's an adult weird. He is an adult, I'm not his mother.

sonlypuppyfat Wed 23-Nov-16 14:27:09

I started a thread once where I talked about buying my DS 17 some special shoes because he'd got a part time job in a kitchen, I got a right roasting people were saying why was I buying them he should be sorting everything out himself!

CwtchesAndCuddles Wed 23-Nov-16 14:29:37

My brother and his wife seem to live like this - each do their own washing, I find it very strange that they will put half a load on when there is other washing to be done.
In my household all laundry is done together by whoever has the time!

FlyingElbows Wed 23-Nov-16 14:30:03

Mn appears to attract a lot of people for whom marriage is just two completely separate entities sharing a house. Each to their own I suppose. Don't worry Rhoda someone will be along in a minute to tell you how oppressed you are! winkgrin

corythatwas Wed 23-Nov-16 14:32:44

Bluntness, is the laundry because your own load is enough to fill the washing machine? Because I would find it completely unethical to run two washing loads half empty just to prove the point that dh is an adult. Surely the more adult approach is to take it in turns to load the machine? (which is what we do)

littlesallyracket Wed 23-Nov-16 14:34:21

I think it depends on what's being asked. When the question is something like "I really haven't got time to make a dessert every night but my husband says it's not a proper dinner without pudding" then I think "Tell him to make his own pudding then" is pretty reasonable. But generally, yes, in our house we just stick a load of washing on and pay no attention to whose clothes they are.

OhGiveOver Wed 23-Nov-16 14:34:21

I do actually know a couple who does this.

They're not married, but will be by next year and have 2 children.

We were visiting once and my friend went into the kitchen, made herself a full cooked breakfast and a cup of tea, ate it on the sofa. Then her DP got up 10mins later and made himself the same and then came back in the lounge to eat his. When I realised he was making his, I did point out it'd have been easier and less dishes if she'd asked him if he wanted food as well, she replied "he can get his own, I'm not his slave"

I was shock but even more shock that neither of them offered us a cup of tea either!

RhodaBull Wed 23-Nov-16 14:34:44

It's like there are fair few people who haunt "Relationships" as well as AIBU who seem hell bent on making every woman LTB. I have been on MN for over ten years blush and the number of times I've really thought that someone should LTB have been few. Would I leave a violent man? Hell yeah. A mean man? Maybe. But one who falls short on the washing? Erm, I think I'd give him a chance before taking the MN advice of dialling 101, getting a council house and going NC with him and all his family.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 23-Nov-16 14:35:10

If he's got a stain on his clothes then it's definitely his job to get it out.
I would think it odd that my OH just hand me an item of HIS clothing for ME to get out a stain.
Why can't he do it?
He might ask me what to use etc.... but never expect me to do it for him.
If my OH manages to get any washing into the wash basket then I'll wash his stuff.
But it's not often as he has his own floordrobe and does his own stuff at the weekend (I tend to shrink his very nice things).
He also has a dirty and manual job and no way am I going anywhere near his minging work clothes!
That's how we are.
I don't think I live in another parallel universe or anything.

But... when a lazy arse 'D'H does sweet feck all then I would suggest the OP stop doing all his shite.
He would have to do his own stuff then surely.
Just because we are wimmin does not mean we automatically, wash, cook, clean - fuck that for a game of soldiers!

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila Wed 23-Nov-16 14:35:41

Yes I do my DH's washing because it's in the laundry basket with everyone else's. Why would I spend my time separating it? Same as when he puts a wash on, my laundry is in it. I don't put his clothes away though, they get piled up and left for him to sort. And I don't iron anything.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Wed 23-Nov-16 14:37:34

But one who falls short on the washing? Erm, I think I'd give him a chance before taking the MN advice of dialling 101, getting a council house and going NC with him and all his family.

grin grin grin

Rollonbedtime7pm Wed 23-Nov-16 14:38:15

cory that was my point really - it's surely a bit of a waste of resources to potentially do twice as many washes just because you should apparently do your own.

Same with cooking - if I want dinner and DH is home, i'd consider it selfish to cook for myself and leave him to it! As you say, surely just share the load and make sure you're both helping each other.

For example, I do the washing but I never take the bins out! grin

FluffyPersian Wed 23-Nov-16 14:40:34

I don't wash or iron my husbands clothes, no, I can't understand why I would even consider that. He's all grown up and does that himself

I agree with Bluntness on the above - The only time I'd ever do it is if he was really ill - but he'd do the same for me. However we are both working full time jobs and have no children. We typically cook together, however on some nights when I'm late back, he'll cook..... when he's late back, I'll cook.

He makes me cups of tea when I get in from work if he's working from home - I make him coffee in the morning at the weekend.

We both do 50% of the housework and we both take the bins out / when they need doing.

He cuts the grass 100% of the time as he enjoys it (weirdo) and I do all the gardening and prune the trees / tidy the garden as I enjoy it (not weird at all).

I couldn't be with someone who didn't pull their weight - as neither of us are financially dependent on the other one (and I hope to never be) I do think I'd leave the relationship, regardless of whether I had children or not.

NavyandWhite Wed 23-Nov-16 14:40:37

I think a lot of people post what they think the MN collective may think in theory

Yes I would agree with that.

OP totally get where you're coming from. It seems to have gotten worse these last few years.

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