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Is my new friend jealous of me. She's queen of the backhanded compliment

(65 Posts)
Mulledcider Wed 23-Nov-16 13:43:47

We were good friends until age 20 when she got married and I never heard from her again until she was lonely and bored. I knew she was probably just using me but I have her one chance.

Since coming back to the UK she has put on around 4 stone and is now quite a big girl, I'm a size 12 and tall so while I'm not slim, im certainly not fat. Yet she embarrasses herself constantly by making comments that she used to be my size before he lost weight and how she would give me her old clothes but they will be too small for me. She seems to want me to think I am fatter than her when I am clearly not.

She comes from a well off family but is on benefits herself. I have a masters degree and that is something that makes her very jealous as she constantly says she will be doing the same and has a place Line up she just needs to call the uni and start (i just don't believe her).

I have introduced her to my friends and after only one meeting she was adding them on facebook and liking all their posts so they got a bit freaked out and removed her on there. She has absolutely hated them ever since and does nothing but bitch about them and try and turn them against me. They have done nothing wrong. If I'd met someone only once and they were Liking all my stuff I wouldn't do the same as them.

I have a best friend and he is lovely. I would never bitch about him and you can tell she hates how much he cares for me, she has no friends herself so seems desperate for one but loses everyone as why tire of her.

She keeps trying to force a friendship between my best friend and her, inviting him for tea at hers with his boyfriend. His partner has said he doesn't like her and just can't stand being around her because she bitches about me so much when I'm not there. He has never ever said anything like that in the 10
Years that I've known him.

She will sometimes put down the clothes I wear, the area I live etc.
I would never ever do that to anyone.

When I'm told my strangers or
Friends that I look
Lovely or I'm pretty she will say 'maybe In an unusual way'.
Also, my ex messaged her on facebook to ask if he could pick up my
Son from hers'. I actually hasn't been at hers but she text saying oh your ex text me saying hi. I think she was trying to make me angry.

Do you think she's jealous? She's certainly
Lacking in self esteem. I'm thinking of just ending this friendship. It's a shame as we actually have a lot of interests in common. Essentially though, I feel that she doesn't like me. Wants me to feel less confident and is just using me for company.

But then at the same time she would probably be someone who would help you out in a crisis, is generous to my Son when he visits and plays with him, never asks for money or gifts and is always willing to Visit me eventhough I live fairly
Out of the way.

She has openly joked that if she got a boyfriend I would 'never see her'. So maybe she's someone who goes all out until she has a boyfriend.

Aibu to say she's jealous and probably
Someone I shouldn't be around?

Mulledcider Wed 23-Nov-16 13:44:39

Just realised
My title says new friend. She's an old friend, but got back in contact recently.

dustarr73 Wed 23-Nov-16 13:45:29

Dump her,she sounds awful.

OohhThatsMe Wed 23-Nov-16 13:46:30

Oh come on, OP, read through your post and see sense! She's horrible and she's nasty towards you! Why on earth would you want to be her friend? She's not a friend to you - an enemy would be nicer!

AGinForEachMakesThree Wed 23-Nov-16 13:48:12

She sounds bloody awful! Cut that toxic 'friend' out of your life and run for the hills.

Mulledcider Wed 23-Nov-16 13:49:47

I'm a nice person I guess. She has done kind things. I think her bad actions are caused by an incredibly
Low self esteem.

Her parents
Put her down constantly and she has never ever had a single consistent friend (probably her own fault in fairness but that's still hard).

I was stuck in another area over an hour away once and she came and got me. This was two months after getting back in contact.

I guess that makes me feel a bit in debt to her but I would also do that for a friend.

I feel bad about ending a friendship but I just don't want to be insulted on a regular basis!

Ohyesiam Wed 23-Nov-16 13:50:27

Why would you want someone so toxic in your life? Yes she is jealous, as well as manipulative. You could try confrontating her by telling her how unconformtable you very when she bitches about people, or you could end the' friendship'. But she is not really a friend, and ib think you know that.

LagunaBubbles Wed 23-Nov-16 13:56:52

I think her bad actions are caused by an incredibly Low self esteem

You sound like you're trying to understand her and almost justify her actions. Shes bitching about you behind your back and even being horrible to your face. yet you're still unsure about ending this "friendship". Its not about you not "being nice" - this person is not a friend and it will be your self-esteem that ends up low if you remain in this friendship. Life is far too short to spend with this type of person.

Meemolly Wed 23-Nov-16 14:03:50

Crikey, have you read back your post? Perhaps you are nice (the nicest person in the world maybe) but she is BITCHING about YOU behind your back, and that is ok? Why is that ok? All those things about your weight are about her, granted, but what about you and your boundaries? I think you would do better to let her go as she could probably do with some reflection time and soul searching as to why she keeps doing this.

Stormwhale Wed 23-Nov-16 14:04:00

Who needs enemies eh? Bloody hell op, cut her out of your life!

twilightcafe Wed 23-Nov-16 14:08:12

This person is no friend of yours.

KlingybunFistelvase Wed 23-Nov-16 14:11:44

I agree that it sounds like she has some pretty low self esteem, and I get why you feel sorry for her, but unless you are a therapist and / or have limitless time on your hands to sort out her bullshit, then I don't see why you'd keep being friends with her tbh. The older I get, the less inclined I am to tolerate this sort of shit. It doesn't mean you don't feel sorry for her if you stop hanging out with her. I'd wish her all the best and let it fizzle out personally.

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Nov-16 14:17:11

Yes of course she's lacking in self esteem, but can I ask, are her comments proactive and random? I'm always very wary when people say " I'm really nice and she's just jealous bitch" often there is more to it. For example when she comments on weight, is this simply random, or is it in context of a wider conversation you are having about weight ,,,what about your masters, does she randomly and inexplicably saying she's going to uni, or is this again in a wider context.

I think whatever the answer to that is, you are not friends. That's clear. I doubt you even like each other very much.

previously1474907171 Wed 23-Nov-16 14:19:11

She must be very unhappy to behave that way. I am not known for my discretion so would tell her to pack it in and sort herself out/get therapy.

Then drop her because I have had to deal with all manner of people over the years and it never gets better even with patience and understanding, the more you give, the more they take.

WouldHave Wed 23-Nov-16 14:19:49

I'd have dumped her the first time I heard that she'd bitched about me to my friends. I can't really understand why you didn't.

Meemolly Wed 23-Nov-16 14:20:27

What Bluntness said. I have been that 'understanding' friend before, the fall out (for me, she turned out to be a cold, heartless fish) when it fell apart was hideous. Look after yourself and ask yourself, very honestly, it you really like her.

Borneoisbeautiful Wed 23-Nov-16 14:20:44

She sounds bloody awful. Shove her in a ditch a be done.

ChuckGravestones Wed 23-Nov-16 14:21:54

She is a nightmare. Why put yourself through this?

ConvincingLiar Wed 23-Nov-16 14:23:03

It doesn't sound like you like her, so that in itself is a reason to withdraw.

Mom2Monkeys Wed 23-Nov-16 14:24:17

I had a friend of 20 years who I'd known from school JUST LIKE THIS. I put up with her behaviour because I made excuses for her - she is so unhappy, she has low self-esteem, things are shitty in her life, etc.

She is looking for ways to put you down to make her feel better about herself. She is so jealous that your unhappiness causes her pleasure. END THE FRIENDSHIP. Not only is it tiring and confusing (notice how you leave her company feeling down and drained?), but she does not respect or care about you. She is intentionally saying things to make you feel bad about yourself - why would you want someone like that in your life?

YouWereAlwaysPerfect Wed 23-Nov-16 14:25:13

Of course she is jealous of you, you don't need that kind of person in your life she will only hold you back, I'd cut off all communicate with her.

DryIce Wed 23-Nov-16 14:31:04

I can't see any backhanded compliments in your post, just pretty blatant meanness.

It is true that she probably has low self esteem and issues herself to behave like this. It's also true that that isn't really your problem, particularly if she's been like that for 20 years and you're u likely to change that now.

readingrainbow Wed 23-Nov-16 14:31:47

You don't need to be her emotional punching bag. Get rid.

Potatoooooo Wed 23-Nov-16 14:32:45

I think she is using you for company. However I think your friends are a bit nasty for deleting her just because she liked a few posts.
She genuinely sounds like she really wants to make new friends but she's just being a bit desperate because as you say, she has never had a consistent friendship, which could be down to all sorts, do you think she has a borderline personality disorder?
She sounds very erratic, and the back chatting thing sounds like she is triangulating everyone?
Sometimes people don't realise they're actually doing it, especially when its MH but, sometimes they do, and they're being malicious.
It's hard to tell really, she does come out of her way to see you and play with your son, it sounds like she has some nice attributes, but perhaps she is a little bit too low in self confidence and so tries to pull everyone down to her level.
Why not try talking to her about it? If she gets a hump on then at least you tried and you know what she thinks of your friendship.

LilyRose16 Wed 23-Nov-16 14:35:59

Halfway through reading your post I wondered why on earth you would be friends with someone like this??

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