To think this baby behaviour isn't normal?(25 Posts)
He basically screams his head off and cries real tears if he's not on me or being carried by me, both day and night. He's 9 months old and has always been a bit like this but it's been almost constant for months now. He tolerates DH in small doses but that's it. I've had enough.
You must be exhausted. You'll have to leave him with DH and go out of the house every so often. He'll grow out of it.
Sounds very hard. Have you taken his to GP/HV? Does he go to any childcare or are you a SAHP?
How is weaning going? Is he meeting milestones?
Sounds quite normal. Separation anxiety is in full force at this age. He's more likely to become secure if he learns that you respond to his needs, if you force separation before he's ready you'll likely find he becomes more 'clingy'. Do you have a good sling?
DD was like that. Google "high-needs baby", see if it sounds familiar.
I have no advice, as I never found a solution, I just had to struggle through, but it did get easier once she could crawl, and then easier again once she was walking. From toddlerhood onward she's been very confident and independent.
Not much consolation now, of course, its bloody awful to live through. The only thing I found that helped was getting out of the house, even if she was screaming. I used to walk for miles, pushing her in her pushchair, just because it felt easier than being cooped up with her. If you can get someone else to take him on a long walk to give you a break, so much the better. Chances are yes he will scream, but it will do him no harm, and may do both of you some good if you feel slightly less close to breaking point.
Hang in there. I promise this stage doesn't last forever.
Sorry I have no advice but it sounds incredibly difficult. It won't last forever though (just feel like it).
How is he sleeping at night? Does he have to sleep on you too?
Normal. DS went through this phase at around 9 months, and I'm afraid it still sometimes happens at nearly 13 months. He's clingy...usually exacerbated by teething, tiredness or being under the weather.
Talk to HV if worried.
DD was like that as a newborn, grew out of it for a while and then went back into full-clingy-never-put-me-down-mummy mode again at 9 months, 18 months and just under 3 years. I've just gone with the flow to be honest, co-slept and cuddled to sleep. To be fair though I love it, I've lost several babies so am quite aware she might be my only, therefore only to happy to be needed.
However, it is exhausting. Has he always been this way? Is he meeting his milestones, eating and sleeping well?
Ahh, velcro baby! All mine were like that. I really recommend a Llfft sling if you can wear one. They do grow out of it but the stage lasts forever.... hang on in there!
That was normal for my dc. It did get better by 18 months. I had to leave them when I returned to work (with dh or dmil) and they appear to have survived unharmed. It was awful, though, so I feel for you.
My dd was like that from three months old. The only thing she was precocious in. It is hard. I had to leave her with her father for a couple of hours one time and I came back two hours later she had cried solid the entire time even though there were about five people taking turns trying to console her.
Both mine screamed relentlessly for months - first one was on Omeprazole by 6 months and the second one I got Omeprazole by the end of first month.
Slowly the screaming stopped.
Both had BAD acid reflux.
I could lie them down and put them down without needing them to be held all the time.
Nights were still hell as they'd learnt to feed to sleep by then.
Came off Omeprazole at around 11 and 13 months. All good. No more screaming.
I do feel for you. I couldn't really go to baby groups or baby massage or baby anything for the first few months with my first as people would look at me and wonder why my baby was screaming. Constantly. All. The. Time.
So so so draining.
Mine were never clingy but then again I couldn't carry them constantly or keep cuddling, it would have been too much, so I used moses baskets/baby swing/travel cot/high chair etc - is it worth trying to put him in a travel cot for 5 minute intervals and keep going backwards and forwards until he realises you're not gone for long and then stretch out the time when he settles a bit ... if there is nothing medical wrong then he needs to be weened off you in a way because it would most likely get more difficult as time goes on
Friend's DD was like this, and it was a huge problem. Wouldn't even go to DH . She couldn't leave her with anyone when she did things with the older child - the person who was doing it refused to do it again because she screamed all the time! I used to look after her as a toddler. She liked my DDs so much that she managed to forget to cling! I had a student helper first time, so we had plenty of time to encourage her, but she was absolutely fine with me from then on.
I would definitely encourage your DH - it must be difficult to be rejected by your own child - as you do need back up for emergencies.
Until about 6-7 months it was in phases but it now feels permanent so I think it must be separation anxiety. My older DC didn't get it until much older, 15 months maybe. And I think he's pretty high needs too. Zzzzzzz
It's normal, unfortunately, which isn't to say it isn't utterly exhausting and demoralising. High needs/velcro baby. They do grow out of it. This is a peak time for separation anxiety though. Do you have a sling? Some days you just have to go with it, and that way you at least get your hands free.
Quite often, from this age, they do wail like they're being massacred when put down or handed to someone else, but then settle down when they realise you're gone. If you handed him to DH and left the house for an hour, would he cry continuously, or settle down after 5 minutes?
He sleeps poorly, eating ok, a bit behind on milestone averages I'd say. He had reflux which seems ok now, and possible allergies. We use a sling a LOT, physically I can't use it any more than I already do.
He screams blue murder even if I'm in the same room as him but not touching him / actively engaging him at the moment. He's teething and keeps getting bugs which doesn't help I'm sure.
Nine months was really grim with one of mine. Even though that child is now 13 I can still remember two times when I was reduced to tears by him at that point.
It does pass .
DS was like this between about 9 and 14 months it coincided with him starting nursery which made it worse but we got through and now I'm lucky to get one cuddle a day and almost miss the days he was that attached. A sling/carrier helps to get stuff done while they are clinging to you.
I'm afraid I don't have any helpful advice, except to say that from hearing about a few other babies like this over the years I've learnt that:
1). It'll probably make you feel like a bad parent sometimes, but actually doesn't mean that at all. In fact it probably means you're needing to drawn deep on those reserves of love and patience even more than for parents of easier new borns. It doesn't mean you're doing any thing wrong at all. And feeling like you've had enough is what any parent would feel. It doesn't mean you're not a great mother.
2). Difficult and demanding babies often turn into the easiest going toddlers or children or teenagers and vice versa. There's usually no rhyme or reason, but don't worry that it'll always be this hard. This too will pass.
Really feel for you, and am sorry for having no advice to offer, and even more sorry if what I've said sounds glib or insensitive. Really hope you hear some ideas here which work to give you some respite.
DD did this (but less extreme) at around the same age and it did last a few months. I had to co-sleep with her during that phase too which I have never had to do before or since. I second pps who have said to contact your HV as this sounds exhausting.
My ds sounds very similar, my poor DH gets quite down about it. He's 10 months and has been 'crawling'
it's bum shuffling really for a few weeks now which seems to have helped a little bit. Definitely worse when he's tired too. Like you it was in phases for the last few months but pretty constant since 8/9 months. We're just riding it out and doing our best to distract him when I'm not there! He's at a childminder now and it took him a few weeks to stop crying all the time, now he still has the occasional grizzle but pretty much once I'm not in sight any more I think he gets on with it so I think you have to perservere a little bit to teach them that their fears of separation are unfounded as mummy will come back! Hope it passes for you soon...
Sorry, trying and failing to answer all questions.
He doesn't go to any childcare, I'm on mat leave though so will need to eventually. I'm dreading it tbh.
He is ok with DH actually unless he's tired, hungry, in pain, teething etc. But anyone else he screams, and basically doesn't stop, and DH is at work all but 15 mins of his awake time during the week so can only do so much.
He sleeps in his sleepyhead for about 1-2 hours at the start of the night by himself - I feed him to sleep then it's like bloody bomb disposal putting him down - then most the time I hold him and occasionally try putting him back in bed next to me but he even wakes up at that. He usually wakes 4-7 times.
I could just about cope with the baby crying but my older child (nearly 4) is really struggling too with the screaming and constant demand on me and it's really affecting his behaviour. Waking multiple times, having tantrums, even in his sleep, he's sad, angry and lashes out at me and his baby brother.
I'm not dealing with his challenging behaviour as calmly as I'd like because I'm permanently exhausted and strung out, with virtually no family help, and because baby is so clingy to me dh does everything related to dc1 and he sees me as baby's mummy .
HV is sympathetic but ultimately the only solution I've really been offered by the health profession is anti depressants. I'm not depressed though, I'm bloody tired and had enough of both children screaming!
It really could be silent reflux ('silent' refers to the fact that the sufferer doesn't vomit - not that he/she doesn't cry btw!). GPs are notoriously bad at diagnosing though...
So sorry you're going through this. My DS2 was like this, could not bear to be apart from me, very clingly right from day 1. Other 2 were not like this at all and I have no idea what caused the difference. I did an evening class so DP had to cope 1 night a week but really hated it because the crying started 10 mins after I left and didn't stop until I came back and took DS2. We tried everything, btw.
All I can say is eventually DS2 grew out of it, probably around 15 months, but it was a slow process. So I'm sending you , kind thoughts and sympathy. It gets better, but boy is it noisy for a while.
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