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To think partner is a selfish arse?

(74 Posts)
Revans93 Wed 23-Nov-16 09:39:44

This really is just the tip of the iceberg, but every single morning I get up to get the children out of their cots. He never does, even though he doesn't work so there's no reason for it. Anyway, this morning I just kept falling back asleep. Apparently (I don't remember as I was half asleep), he kept asking if i wanted him to get them up, and i kept saying no i'll do it. Eventually he got up in a big mood and got them up, then went back to bed. Now, obviously i should have just said yes to him getting them up, but i was probably still in a bit of a dream at that point, but what really annoys me is that he didn't just think to get them up anyway, without having to point out the fact that he was doing it. It's not like every single morning i hear the kids wake up, then wake him up to ask him if i should get them up! Just show some initiative ffs! He's still in bed now while i'm up with the children, and just to show me how angry he was, he said "don't bother making me a coffee this morning"...err, yeah, ok...what a loss for me.

But, as I said, this is the tip of the iceberg, so maybe i'm reacting more angrily to this than is reasonable - what do you all think?

RhiWrites Wed 23-Nov-16 09:42:07

Go and tell him you're sorry and that of course he should be getting the kids up. Suggest that to make it up to him you now take turns? grin

NavyandWhite Wed 23-Nov-16 09:43:39

What do I think? That he's a lazy sod for a start.

If you've always jumped out of bed when the DC wake up he's obviously got used to this. Sit down today and spell it out that they are his DC and you aren't going to do this every day anymore.

What else is going on?

NavyandWhite Wed 23-Nov-16 09:44:26

Go and tell him you're sorry? shock Why?

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 23-Nov-16 09:45:32

I think there were more than likely signs of this before you choose to have a baby with him.

RhiWrites Wed 23-Nov-16 09:48:24

Read again, Navy. It's reverse psychology.

Sweets101 Wed 23-Nov-16 09:50:54

I think there were more than likely signs of this before you choose to have a baby with him
Sorry what point are you trying to make exactly?

NavyandWhite Wed 23-Nov-16 09:52:20

Ah ok.

mortgagefreesoon5 Wed 23-Nov-16 09:53:07

I think you both should be up, and help each other out, little children are bloody hard work! We take turns to have a lay in at the weekends but other than that, we both get up, and get on with things,( work, housework, preparing meals, taking the children out....) it's part of being a grown up.
I guess there is more to this than the issue mention on the op. Time to put the cards on the table and talk about what you both want/expect from life/each other. Honestly it will avoid a lot of resentment.
Good luck op

nicenewdusters Wed 23-Nov-16 09:56:01

And you're with him why ?

So, he doesn't work but you jump out of bed each morning, sort out your children and make him a coffee. The title of your post should be my partner IS a selfish arse, there's no think about it. Why are you letting him get away with treating you like this ? Why is the dynamic in your relationship that he's in charge, and moans if he has to behave like a responsible adult ?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Wed 23-Nov-16 10:01:08

If you are getting the children up, he should be making YOUR coffee. And starting on their breakfast

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 23-Nov-16 10:01:17

Sorry what point are you trying to make exactly?

Don't be sorry, it's ok. The point is exactly as I said.

Revans93 Wed 23-Nov-16 10:05:23

NavyandWhite not sure if i'm doing this right but this is a reply to you asking what else is going in.

it's a long, complex situation really. He's never helped really, i've just fallen into the habit of doing everything and he's never made any effort to help me out. He never really cared how exhausted and sad i got. But, to complicate things, he got cancer at the start of the year, so obviously i carried on doing everything for the children and for him. It's exhausted me, but I didn't feel like I had the right to care about myself. But now he's better, cancer all gone, but he still expects me to do it all, and gets annoyed with me if i ask him to help - as now he gets to say i'm being mean because had had cancer. But, he was like this before the cancer, and he was perfectly capable of doing a lot of things that he didn't do anyway. He just expects me to sort out absolutely everthing for him, all the childcare, phonecalls, housework, bills, finding his clothes, doctors appointments. I know he's depressed, but i've tried to get him help and he won't do it. He never shows he cares about me, and i've told him all this and it doesn't get anywhere.

user1477282676 Wed 23-Nov-16 10:11:21

Did he work before the cancer?

WouldHave Wed 23-Nov-16 10:11:32

When he kept asking you whether you wanted him to get them up, what he obviously meant was "Why aren't you getting up?" Silly you not to work that out and leap out of bed immediately, obviously it's all your fault.

NavyandWhite Wed 23-Nov-16 10:12:39

OP you need to press the reset button. He's had cancer and is depressed which are two complex and worrying situations, for you as well as him. Urge him to talk to his GP regarding his depression. It is very common after such life changing illnesses for depression to start.

Talk to him calmly. Tell him that you can't carry on doing everything and that now he's in remission that he can help you.

Maybe start of with getting up twice a week with the DC. Small steps.

Do you have any support? Friends, family that you can talk to, have a coffee with?

Sweets101 Wed 23-Nov-16 10:20:20

Oh so it was just snide and pointless then Jen
I didn't want to presume.

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 23-Nov-16 10:23:07

Nah but work away.

Sweets101 Wed 23-Nov-16 10:25:45

You're good at the pointless comments.

JenLindleyShitMom Wed 23-Nov-16 10:28:44

Go and goad someone else dear, you're getting no joy from me today. Off you pop.

LagunaBubbles Wed 23-Nov-16 10:28:57

Oh so it was just snide and pointless then Jen

I dont think it was snide and pointless at all. Obviously there may be more to the story, especially since OP has mentioned her DP has had cancer and depression but from the opening post it looked like your typical selfish lazy partner who expects his partner to do everything. Like you read on threads here all the time and yet women have children with them, nothing changes and then come on here complaining about them.

Revans93 Wed 23-Nov-16 10:29:54


I've asked him so much to go to his gp, i even set up an appointment for him, but he just won't do it. I've asked him to go to counselling but he really resents me asking that of him. He feels like i'm trying to just fix him, like I don't understand what depression is like - which I don't, but i'm just trying to get him to help himself because he's miserable, i'm miserable, and none of this is good for the children. We've had a good few talks this past week about what a mess our relationship is in, we've been on the verge of breaking up a few times, but i'm scared of going through with it. We have so much built up resentment of each other I think we need relationship counselling, but he refuses to go.

I've asked him to help out a bit, and he did do the washing up yesterday, for about the 3rd time in our 6 year relationship, but i don't want to have to ask him, i want him to feel some responsibility for his family, rather than just want to get me off his back.

I've spoken to my mum about it, but she just agrees that the situation is no good, and doesn't really offer any help, just validation of my complaints. I don't have many close friends, buf i'm starting to get back in contact with old friends and that's been helping.

ughhhh, i don't know, i wish i was confident enough to leave really, cos i don't see anything changing, but i'm scared for him, he wouldn't cope emotionally. Thanks for listening to me go on smile

LagunaBubbles Wed 23-Nov-16 10:31:38

Revans, it is really difficult being in a relationship with a partner with depression, I know. However there is little you can do if they wont help themselves by seeking treatment sadly.

user1477282676 Wed 23-Nov-16 10:32:20

Did he work before the cancer?

YelloDraw Wed 23-Nov-16 10:32:46

I've spoken to my mum about it, but she just agrees that the situation is no good, and doesn't really offer any help, just validation of my complaints

What help do you want from your mum?

being scared of breaking up isn't a good reason to stay together. It will be shit and hard in the sort term but you'll be happier long term.

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