AIBU - apparently I'm the worst mum in the world!!

(248 Posts)
tactum Tue 22-Nov-16 23:35:03

and the strictest and everything else you can think of!!

DD (just 14) has obv got an iphone which she is very very attached to - apart from homework time, mealtimes and other such stuff. I used to let her leave it on the landing to charge over night - never in her bedroom - which apparently made me the devil incarnate already because NO ONE else's parents EVER restrict their phone usage day or night and everyone else sleeps with their head practically on them. However we have had a couple of occasions where 1 of us has got up early or we have been aware of her moving around early and she has nabbed it - talking pre 6.15 am.

So now my rule is it charges overnight in our bedroom no debate. She goes to bed around 9.45 pm and she can come and retrieve it once she is up and showered dressed etc in the am - usually works out around 7, as she has to leave quite early on the bus.

Apparently I am the worst person in the world for doing this, but when I question why she always just re-iterates that she doesn't normally use it outside of those hours anyway so I'm being mean for not trusting her. My argument is 1. if that's the case what's the problem, 2. why the hell does the first thing she feel the needs to do be to look at a screen.

I'm sure many of you with younger children would be thinking you'd never even let them have a phone that early in the day, but please, just watch this space....

To all of you out there, am AIBU?

WhereDoesThisRoadGo Tue 22-Nov-16 23:37:56

That seems a bit excessive to do to a 14 yo. Can't she leave it downstairs charging whilst she is in bed, so she gets a decent sleep without it. But then be trusted to retrieve when she wants to once awake.

bbcessex Tue 22-Nov-16 23:38:34

I go to sleep with my TV on because I like the noise. .. my DD goes to sleep with videos playing on her phone.

I really don't mind her having it because she does doze off to it, but I do wish she wasn't so addicted to her phone.

redexpat Tue 22-Nov-16 23:39:35

sounds sensible to me. The blue light can bugger up your ability to sleep, and teens really need their sleep.

bbcessex Tue 22-Nov-16 23:41:24

First thing I do in the morning is reach for my phone so I can sympathise with your daughter!

gamerchick Tue 22-Nov-16 23:42:25

i think I would be more worried about unattended devices left on charge overnight. So no help there grin

I dunno, I think pick my battles. Screens isn't one I've ever chosen.

tactum Tue 22-Nov-16 23:43:06

Yes but would you really want your own kid to be doing that literally as soon as they are conscious?

bbcessex Tue 22-Nov-16 23:46:13

She does Tactum. So does my son. So do all their friends (as far as I can tell).

They're both County and Regional in their chosen sports and train a million hours a week too (it feels) so they have loads of time not using their phones, but it's very much an extension of their arm ( and being) when at all possible.

bbcessex Tue 22-Nov-16 23:47:12

Not much help am i! Guess I'm saying it's normal and let her get on with it!

wifeyhun Tue 22-Nov-16 23:47:30

My 14 year old has her phone on charge next to her bed, would never not let her do that.

Greengoddess12 Tue 22-Nov-16 23:48:54

It's so bloody hard.

With our 4 we worked in the premise that they had to be up and cheerful, do well at school and get good grades.

If this slipped then we investigated why/how and would work with them to achieve it.

Ds2 asked us to have his his phone overnight in our room so he coukd switch off. The others managed.

I think at 14 you could relax a bit and see how she manages herself.

If she can't then you help her.

Our youngest is 15 now so feel your pain but my advice would be to stand back and cut her some slack.

Greengoddess12 Tue 22-Nov-16 23:52:09

bb yep me dh and sure 99% of the population do too.

Teach to control and manage. Banning doesn't work in my experience with kids

QueenOfTheNaps Tue 22-Nov-16 23:53:01

DS12 has to leave his phone downstairs over night to charge. No exceptions! It's so easy to lose all track of time at night and then find its 3am and you're still refreshing mumsnet active topics blush

HowToTrainYour Tue 22-Nov-16 23:54:37

I was thinking same as gamerchick when I read your op, about charging overnight. So totally miss point of thread, sorry

tactum Tue 22-Nov-16 23:55:12

Out of interest, why wifyhun? I'm not trying to restrict her from using social media etc, I just think if she's trying to fall asleep and some notification comes in, or if she wakes at 2 am and can see something flashing on her phone, or if she wakes at 5.30 and feels the need to check something then that isnt going to set her up for a good day sleep and energy wise.

And I think as a really young 14 yr old I should be able to make a decision for her that I know will be in her best interests. I mean, is she really going to feel socially excluded for not being instantly available at 2am? Do we really think she is mature enough to make the decision to not look at her phone if she wakes during the night and it is flashing? Really?

I dont want to sound like one of those posters who comes on AIBU and refuses to listen to the answers teling them they are, but it seems that may be who I am! I just want my growing daughter to have a good 8+ hours sleep uninterrupted by what Kylie frigging Jenner has done!!

joangray38 Tue 22-Nov-16 23:56:34

Id be more worried about leaving her phone to charge overnight. That's a massive fire hazard!

defineme Tue 22-Nov-16 23:57:30

The most recent studies seemed to show that quality of sleep was really affected if we have phones in our bedrooms. I think you're fine doing what you're doing, after all you are the one paying for the phone and she will be doing her exam courses. Phones are plugged in downstairs at 7pm in our house and there's no other tech upstairs, we have 11 yr old and 14 yr old and they are used to it because we talked about how bad it is for your sleep etc.

Fairylea Tue 22-Nov-16 23:59:22

Your new rule is exactly what we do with dd aged 13. Works for us and seems fair.

AbernathysFringe Tue 22-Nov-16 23:59:58

I'd worry more about her having it in bed at night than early in the morning. It is depressing that she wants to be on it first thing, but at least it's not affecting her sleep that way.
So ironic that all this phone screen crap makes us all so antisocial.
Get her to watch the first episode of Black Mirror season 3.

7SunshineSeven7 Wed 23-Nov-16 00:02:16

YANBU - she went against your rules and this is a sensible punishment/solution.

Also along with her staying up with it way too late she will probably have it on her bed/fall asleep with it there while it is plugged in which is a massive fire risk.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/08/04/children-urged-not-to-charge-mobile-phones-in-their-beds-amid-fi/

metro.co.uk/2015/11/26/man-posts-horrifying-photo-of-moment-charging-device-causes-sons-pillow-to-set-fire-5526128/

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQQ1MWWf8ZQ

PenguinsandPebbles Wed 23-Nov-16 00:04:03

I don't think YABU at all.

DP is often away and when he is not here I've actually started to leave my iPad downstairs before bed and tried not to look at my phone working well this evening! because otherwise I loose track of all time and an on it until goodness knows when I'm 39 and do know better.

It is so bad for your sleep and when I am being well behaved I sleep a thousand times better.

So I'm with you OP smile

Greengoddess12 Wed 23-Nov-16 00:05:38

You arnt doing anything wrong it's a tricky age is 14 and generally they need parental guidance over this.

However our approach was see how they manage and if they are tired-failing at school/ pain in the arse/ then step in heavy handed.

That way they have tried and failed and can't bitch because it's down to them not you.

Then you step in and it's negotiation time.

DarlesChickens61 Wed 23-Nov-16 00:07:50

I think your rules are fine. You are the parents. My teens have their phones in their rooms - on silent. That's fine as well. I very much doubt a flashing phone will wake a sleeping teen in the middle of the night. It wouldn't wake my teens at midday on weekends.

puglife15 Wed 23-Nov-16 00:08:00

I charge my phone overnight every night... Why is that bad?! misses point

ladylambkin Wed 23-Nov-16 00:11:04

My DD is the same age she keeps her phone in her room at night, I have no issues with her not going to sleep because she is using her phone or being interrupted (also WiFi is rubbish in her room.as it is)

She has an iPhone and has an app on it that wakes her between a specific time frame eg between 6.45 and 7.15. It 'listens' to her breathing and wakes her up by alarm when she begins to stir naturally. Since she started using this I have had no issues getting her out of bed in the morning and she herself feels more rested and alert. My reason for posting is that I haven't restricted her and she has managed to police her phone use by herself.

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