To want one bloody day with my family

[Chamonix1]

Christmas Day we are spending alone (me, dh and dd) because in laws chose to have friends over for Xmas so won't come to ours, Boxing Day spent at in laws, and the day after Boxing Day was meant to be the day we spend with my side of the family.
We have a big family, and traditionally get together all the Aunties, cousins and their children either in someone's house or a local hall. This year we are having it in a local hall to us.
We have had a very very strained and rocky relationship with in laws, mil is toxic and fil just goes with it for an easy life.
Anyway, mil asked to take dd overnight on Boxing Day, we declined and said we wanted to take dd home, plus we had lots of food to sort out for my family get together.
Mil simply asks why she can't come.
Sigh.
Told her she could but she will probably be the only person other than fil there that aren't from my side of the family.
She knows I wouldn't want her there and doesn't care. We are spending all day Boxing Day at their house, regardless of being told we are dirty and therefore unwelcome in the past and to be honest I just wanted 1 bloody day with people I love without watching my mil "socialise" with those worthy of her time i.e.: one particular set of Aunty and uncle she's been obsessed with being close with from the word go purely because her son spends time with them out of choice.
It sounds petty, now I've written it all down but I feel for someone who describes herself as "delicate" straight up inviting yourself along to a family gathering when you're seeing your son and his family the day before anyway is just rude, especially considering the poor relationship she has with her son.
I now don't want to go and am feeling like I will never enjoy a get together of any sort again as she refuses to be left out.
Tell me to get a grip

[Candlelight123]

Backtrack & Make an excuse why she can't come, she will take the enjoyment out of it for you.

[Spadequeen]

Your first mistake was agreeing that she could come! Even though it was clear itwasntreallyan invite, you said she could.

No idea how you can get out of it though.

[MoMandaS]

Tell her you mentioned her coming to your family and they didn't want any 'outsiders' there!

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

You seem annoyed that fil and mil are spending xmas day with their friends instead of coming to you??? Amazed you're not jumping for joy.

I personally think it's a bit weird that she's invited herself along. Can you say something like "oh I'm sorry but it's not my do so I'm not really able to invite other people" and just hope she gets the picture?

On the other hand it's not an intimate family gathering and if she's happy clinging to an aunty and uncle, can you just enjoy yourself and forget she's there?

Maybe next year keep your plans under wraps? No need to give more info than is necessary.

[Spadequeen]

Actually just re read your original post. She doesn't seem to care about offending you, so feel free to uninvite her.

You can always soften it by saying the venues changed and there is t enough room but sod her.

[Ahickiefromkinickie]

Why did you invite her, OP?

Just tell her you've checked with the organisers and they prefer it to be the Chamonix's only this year.

[Chamonix1]

I felt SO uncomfortable.
She knew I wouldn't want her there, she asked anyway, DH sat in silence looking uncomfortable and I just said " well yeah, I guess but it will just be my side of the family otherwise"
Should I really have said "no, it's my time with my family, you have us on Boxing Day!" (What I thought) it would've caused tears and the mother of all arguments from Fil

[Chamonix1]

Showme, just read my post it sounds like I'm annoyed about Xmas day, I'm not. However I am annoyed we've spent it elsewhere before and they've chosen to spend it alone and made a very big deal about being lonely at Xmas (still do to this day) and then when we invite them over choose not to. I feel they've been manipulative about Xmas day that's all.

My mistake was even mentioning the family gathering but I'm a bad lair and had no other excuse for not staying at hers Boxing Day for the night.

[Chamonix1]

And I didn't mean to invite her.
She asked me why she couldn't come and just sort of blurted out; well you can I guess.
It was pretty clear I wasn't best pleased but I don't want to be the evil dil.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

I think you need to establish some boundaries. My DH's parents sometimes try to pressurise us into stuff. We went on holiday with them for 4 nights during a week, and then we planned a lovely weekend just to ourselves. They knew this but kept nagging us to spend it with them instead. DH wouldn't tell them no outright so I did it. I was just polite and said "I'm really sorry but we've got our own plans this weekend. We don't get much quality time as a couple so I hope you understand." They still nagged when we were leaving but I just ignored them with a "well it's been lovely but we must be off". I think you need to ignore the tantrums and set the boundaries. They're not the bosses of you.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

Ahh I understand now. That does sound v manipulative and guilt-trippy. My in laws guilt trip as well...it's difficult but it can be managed.

[Katy07]

Can't you say (or shouldn't you have said) it's just an event for MY family as we do DH's family on Boxing Day?
But now just say 'sorry plans have changed and a table has been booked somewhere else - unfortunately there are so many in MY (lovely, perfect, charming, people I love and want to be with unlike you) family that we're going to have to restrict the numbers to MY family only. I'm sure you understand (and don't give a shit if you don't). Maybe next year (over my dead body)' and if you could do it by text even better as she can't argue so easily (have your excuses and broken record sorted in advance)

[Chamonix1]

So basically I have 2 options.

1. message mil and say I've had a think and it's probably best we just see them Boxing Day as It's not my place to invite people along.
   This risks a serious tantrum and lot of tears from mil.
   
2. accept I'm not going to enjoy the gathering now and keep my mouth shut next year
   
   Choices choices

[WonderMike]

You didn't need an excuse for why your DD wouldn't be staying over.

Why not phone her back and ask (all innocently, like) which day she'd prefer to see you, Boxing day or the day after at your family do? Because you've got so much to fit in of course and it wouldn't be fair to see her for 2 days and your relatives for 1, would it now...

[MargotLovedTom]

I think you need to get over the fear of offending her and causing tears etc. What dothey add to your life apart from stress? Also she has said you're not welcome in the past because you're dirty???? Fuck that!

Can you steel yourself to phone and say "On second thoughts, it's just my side of the family getting together. We'll see you on Boxing Day." Any tears or yelling and I wouldn't go for Boxing Day either. Don't feel like you have to appease them.

[MargotLovedTom]

Very good WonderMike. More tactful than me!

[Chamonix1]

Katy07
That sounds great idea but I'm genuinely concerned mil will turn up at said hall on the day to check we aren't there.
She's done this before (my hen!)

[Serialweightwatcher]

You just need to say that you've thought about it and the day is just for your family and because you're seeing her the day before, you hope she will understand that it would be best she didn't attend .... leave it at that, don't waffle or apologise or anything, just leave it and if she cries, she cries

[YelloDraw]

Just say she can't come. Why do you have anything to do with someone who clls you dirty?

[LadyVampire]

Say sorry but your mum and dad/ relatives have asked for you side only.

[Pallisers]

1) message mil and say I've had a think and it's probably best we just see them Boxing Day as It's not my place to invite people along.
This risks a serious tantrum and lot of tears from mil.

So what if she has a tantrum - that is her problem. She knows damn well she wasn't invited and probably suspects that you don't want her there. Message her and say it wasn't your place to invite people along and it is your side of the family only. No further conversation or explanation.

If she has a tantrum (why? what could she possibly say "boo hoo a family I have one connection with won't invite me to their family reunion?" have your dh tell her she is being ridiculous.

The other choice is live by her rules and decisions and feel miserable.

[EweAreHere]

Tell your DH to talk to his parents. You were essentially backed into a corner, and he needs to tell them they essentially invited themselves and that's really not on.

Outcome should be that they don't come, or, if DH can't get them to back down, they can come, but he's in charge of keeping them happy as you're not going to.

[Thinkingblonde]

I wouldn't worry about upsetting her or FIL, they aren't too sorry about upsetting you. I also wouldn't give her the choice of either the 26th or the 27th, she sounds like she'd pick the 27th just to annoy you, she knows you don't want her there so she'll take great pleasure on pissing on your chips.

[Chamonix1]

I'm thinking of going with, numbers have got silly and we unfortunately have to have a limit but at least we can see them Boxing Day.
But I'm actually nervous thinking about it.

We have something to do with them because my husband doesn't want to not see them. Because they are his parents and he likes his dad so puts up with his mums toxic behaviour

[MargotLovedTom]

Let him see them then. They're horrible to you so I wouldn't bother!