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AIBU to think my husband's strayed...

(85 Posts)
user1479812890 Tue 22-Nov-16 11:30:34

Longstanding mumsnetter but set up new account as don't want this attached to my normal one. But naice ham, PippaPavlova, Yoni etc, etc.

I am aged 38, my husband is 46. We have a four year old son and 3 month old twins.

Last Saturday I looked in an email account which is normally used by my husband only to buy gaming treats for our four year old. There was a receipt in there for a packet of Viagra from an online pharmacy 4 weeks ago. I confronted him and he said he had bought them to use with me because he had difficulty getting an erection after having a drink but had not mentioned it to me. I find that difficult to believe, as he drinks every night and has never had difficulty achieving an erection with me, but he insisted. I said in that case we should go and find the packet together to see that none were used. A look of panic crossed his face and he then began claiming that on the one occasion we had sex during those four weeks he had used Viagra so one was missing. There was no evidence of Viagra during that encounter but he says that is because it didn't work. I would also be very hurt if he had used Viagra to have sex with me without telling me but that's another story.

The problem is, one evening over the past few weeks as he was undressing for bed on a week night he had an erection for no reason. This has never happened in the 17 years of our relationship. When I mentioned it at the time he got very defensive and told me to leave him alone so I let it go. Now I have discovered about the viagra I believe that he had sex that evening on the way home from work which he used viagra for. He doesn't have time for an affair so I assume with a prostitute. I find it pretty unbelievable that he would not show any sign of Viagra use when supposedly using it with me but show signs at another time apparently coincidentally.

When I put this to him he said because I suffer from anxiety and depression I am delusional and imagined the whole erection incident. But he is also saying that the erection incident was a coincident which seems contradictory. He's also now changed his story about why he bought it. He's no longer saying he bought it because he couldn't get an erection, but saying he got it because he wanted to last longer and for recreational reasons.

He has form for telling quite major lies (normally over money) and continuing to deny the truth even when it's entirely obvious, only finally confessing when there is 100% incontrovertible proof.

He says there is absolutely no reason to assume he is having sex elsewhere and nobody without my mental health problems would suspect him on this evidence. He says I'm being silly.

I say that I think most people would strongly suspect the same and would think I was being a mug to accept his excuses. But even though I'm saying that to him I'm really doubting myself now.

I've considered AIBU? Could I imagining it? Am I reading too much into this? Am I am mug for having doubts?

nogrip Tue 22-Nov-16 11:35:16

Very suspicious

Ilikegin Tue 22-Nov-16 11:36:10

It sounds very suspicious, but why would he need viagra to have an affair?

mumonashoestring Tue 22-Nov-16 11:36:31

Too many inconsistencies for it to be imagined - and trying to make out you're mad is a fairly common tactic to shut you up as fast as possible. But if he has form for being dishonest, why on earth are you still putting up with him?

ShowMePotatoSalad Tue 22-Nov-16 11:38:50

YANBU, I would be so suspicious, but i agree with Ilikegin...why would he need viagra to have an affair?

ofudginghell Tue 22-Nov-16 11:42:17

Oh dear.
Sorry op but If that was my dh I would be telling him to pack a bag and leave until he can tell me the truth.
I would want him away so I could think clearly before any sort of discussions take place x

PotatoIsSoHandsome Tue 22-Nov-16 11:42:30

I would keep very quiet about it and discreetly dig every nook and cranny.

If you make a big fuss -if he has done something wrong- you would alert him and he could 'tidy up'.

I'd rather know everything and come down on him with the fury of hell and evidence rather than him actually telling the truth and I'm overthinking it.

I'd get all the possible evidence first flowers

HollowTalk Tue 22-Nov-16 11:46:55

Can you check your bank balance to see whether he took cash out that night?

Personally, anyone who talked like that to me, blaming mental health issues for perfectly valid suspicions, would be history.

Ahickiefromkinickie Tue 22-Nov-16 11:48:10

He says there is absolutely no reason to assume he is having sex elsewhere and nobody without my mental health problems would suspect him on this evidence.

This makes him look more guilty as he is using your MH problems to make you doubt yourself.

Also, you know him and you know he panicked when you suggested finding the Viagra packet.

ladylambkin Tue 22-Nov-16 11:48:35

Viagra would not sustain an erection without stimulation. You mention there was no evidence of viagra use with my experience it doesn't make sex last any longer, it just enables the man to keep going if he wanted to after ejaculation.

He might be having some issues with his erection and was too embarrassed to mention it to you?

user1479812890 Tue 22-Nov-16 11:49:17

It sounds very suspicious, but why would he need viagra to have an affair?

He doesn't last very long. Normally only a couple of minutes.

I don't think he's having an affair, he doesn't have time. I think he's probably visiting prostitutes. And if he was then he'd probably want to get his money's worth by lasting longer, hence the viagra.

ShowMePotatoSalad Tue 22-Nov-16 11:53:38

Does viagara make you last longer? I thought it just helped you get an erection.

If you suspect he is visiting prostitutes, you need to do what another poster said and quietly gather evidence. Don't keep asking him because he's determined to conceal the truth, whatever that may be.

Another question - do you suspect he is having unprotected sex? This is important if so. Your sexual health is paramount, and if I suspected my DH was having an affair I'd go to my Dr and ask to be tested for STDs.

AyeAmarok Tue 22-Nov-16 11:57:16


I think he's spinning you a tale, because his story is neither consistent nor believable.

Would you be able to check his bank account or credit card statements for cash withdrawals or payments via a website?

Pallisers Tue 22-Nov-16 12:00:06

Well I wouldn't believe him. And I don't think you do either.

Things generally are what they appear - and this does not appear anything like the story he has told you (or rather the multiple stories). And telling you that you are delusional ...

I think your instinct is probably right - he has gone to a prostitute.

Manumission Tue 22-Nov-16 12:03:43

When I put this to him he said because I suffer from anxiety and depression I am delusional and imagined the whole erection incident.

What a nasty, gas-lighting tosser. He's quite prepared to make you question your MH JUST to cover up his shagging around.

But he is also saying that the erection incident was a coincident which seems contradictory.

It IS contradictory. And would be good enough proof to me that he's lying. People don't talk that particular brand of gobbledygook unless they're panicking and dissembling.

ShowMePotatoSalad Tue 22-Nov-16 12:04:36

I agree about the gaslighting. Awful.

Sheld0n Tue 22-Nov-16 12:05:03

As other posters have said, please NEVER let anyone convince you that you're delusional, or make you feel like you're acting crazy due to your MH issues. It's not the case, and certainly in this situation you have reason to be suspicious.
I would still think it odd if my DH had secretly bought viagra even if there was no foul play, I'd expect him to tell me.

MerryMarigold Tue 22-Nov-16 12:06:33

Well done for having any sex in the last month, with 3 month old twins. Do you think he is using it to masturbate, although I can't see why?

baconandeggies Tue 22-Nov-16 12:09:55

Not, you're not being at all unreasonable. The problem with living with a compulsive liar is that you're never going to be 100% sure of the truth. His attempt to say you were imagining his erection is gaslighting - emotional abuse.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 22-Nov-16 12:10:49

He's a bastard with the comments about your mental health.

Every one has the time for an affair. Sometimes they aren't at work when you think they are.

He's lied. He's tried to convince you you're imagining things. He's therefore made himself look very guilty. I really hope he isn't.

spiderlight Tue 22-Nov-16 12:14:23

Could he maybe just have taken one to find out in private if it works/what happens/what it feels like?

DiegeticMuch Tue 22-Nov-16 12:25:29

This doesn't feel like an affair OP, I agree. However, something isn't quite right. Rest assured that it's not your imagination or MH issues.

SemiNormal Tue 22-Nov-16 12:25:44

Sometimes they aren't at work when you think they are. - this, and sometimes affairs are at work. Also he could have given a colleague a lift home ...?

228agreenend Tue 22-Nov-16 12:26:05

My first thought was that he was embarrassed so wanted to buy it in private.

There's two options. Either he is telling the truth and he has had erctile dysfunction problems and that's why he bought the viagra.

Alternatively, he is up,to something and is trying to make excuses.

I think a bit of discreet snooping may be worthwhile to put your mind at rest.

Elendon Tue 22-Nov-16 12:31:24

No, YANBU to think this. My ex was using viagra, I found the pills on his beside table (which was ironic as the OW's husband had erectile problems and he, her husband, told me later that she was not happy with him using viagra). I asked him what the pills were and that our young son was trying to open the cap, he raced upstairs and got rid of them. Made up some lie about weight loss. I also caught him masturbating in the middle of the night with a huge erection he could not seem to loose, he was also filming it. When I asked him what he was doing, I was half awake at the time, he told me to go back to sleep. Then said later I was dreaming. I don't have MH problems but our son was having difficulty in school (he's autistic), so I was under stress at the time - plus I was recovering from two incredibly difficult surgeries also.

To be honest there were other things like suddenly being attached to his phone and being incredibly nasty to me. I really didn't put two and two together. Thankfully, he's now gone from my life and the OW has the booby prize.

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