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'No adult presents' Wibu to handle it this way?

(233 Posts)
GrabtharsHammer Tue 22-Nov-16 08:08:01

I have a large family on my side, three siblings, four neices and nephews and both parents. We've always done Christmas presents for all.

This year my middle sister (2dc) has sent out a missive declaring they will only be buying for the children this year and she hopes we are all on board.

Well, we're not. I love buying gifts, they don't have to be expensive but I like to spend time choosing something I know they will love. My other sister is recently divorced and used to be spoilt for gifts by her Dh so she's struggling anyway with this Christmas (she also won't have her DC this year so is coming to us rather than hosting as usual). She's deeply upset by this. Not from a material point of view, but from the emotional side of receiving gifts from loved ones.

My brother is single and has no kids. confused

I've got three DC and although I'd be happy with no gifts for me I do want to buy for everyone else in the family.

Tbf last year she received lovely gifts from me and DSis1 and we got a tin of biscuits to share with our DH's. So her presents won't be missed! (I don't mean that to be bitchy or ungrateful but there it is).

So wwbu to just ignore the edict and carry on as usual? Would you buy for her and her Dh anyway or just leave them out and buy for the rest of the adults?

I'm a bit miffed by the tone of the text as well. It was basically telling everyone that this is what will be happening for the whole family. Well, sorry but no. It seems very bah humbug.

followTheyellowbrickRoad Tue 22-Nov-16 08:11:05

I would ignore it and buy for the rest of the family as normal. But not buy for her

Sassypants82 Tue 22-Nov-16 08:11:23

Perhaps she simply cannot afford it. Speak to her. You could really embarass her just going ahead anyway. Suggest a Chris Kindle. Best of both worlds.

londonrach Tue 22-Nov-16 08:11:38

Buy as normal for everyone but a token present (box of chocs from £1 shop for them) if everyone wants to do adult presents. If all want no Adults they no adult presents.

Chasingsquirrels Tue 22-Nov-16 08:12:09

I'd accept her text as what "her family" are doing.
I'd therefore buy for her children and not her and her DH.
I'd then continue as normal with the rest of my family.
I'd also speak to the rest of my family to confirm they were happy with this.

LineyReborn Tue 22-Nov-16 08:12:16

I'd leave them out, and they can leave you out. Their choice, for their own reasons, e.g. they're skint.

They can't tell you it to buy gifts for your other siblings, though, especially in the circumstances you describe.

LordEmsworth Tue 22-Nov-16 08:12:21

I would do exactly as you say. I'd buy her & her DH a token gift if they'll be there on Christmas day then do whatever the rest of you want...

LineyReborn Tue 22-Nov-16 08:12:43

not to buy

HarleyQuinzel Tue 22-Nov-16 08:13:06

Are you sure they actually meant for the whole family? I'd assume they just meant for them?

I wouldn't buy them presents but I would still buy ones for everyone else.

Helenluvsrob Tue 22-Nov-16 08:13:11

surely the reply is a cheery

" that's fine, I'm totally on board with you just buying for the children, but as gifting is such a huge part of Christmas for me I hope you are also on board with the fact that I shall continue to by for everyone. I hope you will be gracious enough to still accept a small gift from me/us, I really don't need anything in return as you clearly have made a decision that works for you"

TheNaze73 Tue 22-Nov-16 08:13:47

Just don't buy for them as she's asked but, stick to your plans for the rest. She might not have a pot to piss in, so respect her wishes. However, don't let that drag you down & take away the enjoyment for you

UterusUterusGhali Tue 22-Nov-16 08:14:14

I see your point.
I'd talk to her.
Agree the secret Santa seems a good way to go about it.
I'm single too, and haven't opened a gift for years, it's really quite upsetting, so you're kind to think of your siblings.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 22-Nov-16 08:14:23

I would carry on with what you are doing.

Is she not buying anything for your brother? If not then that is off imo.

3amEternal Tue 22-Nov-16 08:14:42

Maybe she can't afford it or is protesting against receiving more unwanted stuff. See what the rest of the family want to do. If you all want to carry on then buy for each other but not her and her partner.

TowerRingInferno Tue 22-Nov-16 08:15:45

I would go along with her wishes for her family, and assume money is issue. I don't think it's the kind of thing you say lightly.

I wouldn't give her or her dh anything, even a token gift, as it might make her feel awkward or embarrassed for not reciprocating.

Brionius Tue 22-Nov-16 08:16:23

I'm in your middle sister's boat! I really don't want to do adult presents this year! My cousin and her husband have started buying token gifts: last year my husband and I and my mum and her partner got the same 'condiments gift set'. Well we don't eat those things really, I threw one jar away yesterday in fact. It's not that I'm ungrateful, i'd just prefer that we didn't waste money. Money is so tight this year I would much rather spend a decent amount on a few people than a few quid on everyone and give a load of tat.

Brionius Tue 22-Nov-16 08:19:19

So my point is YABU to not at least think about it, presents are not everything. And your other divorced sister is going to have a crap Christmas compared to ones with her kids anyway, a pile of cheap stuff that someone didn't want to buy won't help!
Also it really bugs me when people say it do any have to be much but actually it really does add up: £15 for 5 or 6 people does get it expensive for me really quickly!

clare2307 Tue 22-Nov-16 08:19:47

I would take it to mean that is what she wants to do with regards to her family. So she doesn't feel pressured into buying gift for adults that she perhaps can't afford. She definitely cannot dictate whether you buy gifts for your parents or other siblings! I'd buy her kids, but not her as continue to buy for everyone else

TheProblemOfSusan Tue 22-Nov-16 08:19:52

I think where everyone has kids and everyone agrees this is fine to do but not under the circumstances you've described and not unilaterally. I'd be pretty pissed off with this, it goes against the whole point of gift giving to me to only give them to kids when it's supposed to be that every gets presents. I could understand a gift limit for adults if it was getting silly, mind, I do get carried away.

I think what pp have said is spot on - carry on as usual, but let her know nicely that you understand and there's no need to get anything for you. Then ask if they'd mind a token present or if they're completely set on not getting anything at all. And tell the rest of the family your plans too.

HunterHearstHelmsley Tue 22-Nov-16 08:20:37

Don't buy for her. The rest of you can exchange gifts as normal.

Be prepared for her to be unimpressed about that though. My eldest sister gets pissy about it. We all go to my parents for dinner and exchanging gifts - she says no adult presents but sits there with a face on when we're all opening gifts but not her.

RockyTop Tue 22-Nov-16 08:22:21

My sil sent out a similar message a couple of days ago. Absolutely fair enough, but I wish she'd suggested it sooner as most of us have already started our Christmas shopping. So this year I think we will have a bit of a mis match of some adult presents but everyone seems ok with that.

Mulberry72 Tue 22-Nov-16 08:22:54

We don't do adult presents in our family (both sides) except for the DGP's. We all agreed that we'd rather spend the extra money on the DC's.

GrabtharsHammer Tue 22-Nov-16 08:23:25

She definitely meant the whole family!

Ok, so the consensus seems to be to carry on as usual but not buy for them. It's their choice. So long as she doesn't get pissy that the rest of us are exchanging gifts.

LittleLionMansMummy Tue 22-Nov-16 08:24:04

I'd just keep it simple: Yes, totally OK with us not buying for each other. However, I'd still like to buy for other members of the family, particularly as some don't have children.

Fwiw I do think Christmas can get a bit daft. My parents now have 5 grandchildren to buy for, it's really expensive for them. They now only buy for children, but we buy for them too which feels fair. People have different budgets and different pressures. I don't think you should still buy for your sister. It's clearly an issue for her for whatever reason, I think you should respect that.

GrabtharsHammer Tue 22-Nov-16 08:24:04

Ha, x post with Hunter. Exactly that!

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