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Someone please help me?

(66 Posts)
IndieBamBindi Tue 22-Nov-16 07:44:55

I don't know how to articulate this but I will try.
I have two DC and have just found out I am pregnant with a third. It was a contraception failure.
I always wanted four or five kids but after my last one I decided I was finished as they were a very difficult baby, I also suffer horrendous hyperemesis with both.
Pregnancy one I got through because I had noone to look after. Pregnancy two I got through because my first DC was at school all day and also old enough to understand and was content on bad days to just chill with me on the sofa reading books and watching films in between me puking and napping.
I do not know how I will cope this time.
I understand how insensitive this may sound but all I have done since I found out is cry and feel anxious. Every morning I wake up and feel ok for a split second. Then I remember and my heart drops. If I could wake up and this had all been a dream I would do it and probably just feel massive relief.
Dh was over the moon when we found out, and told he's parents etc straight away.
To him it was a no brainier that we have the baby. There is no real reason not to. Enough rooms, financially very comfortable etc
So why has this hit me like a tonne of bricks? I feel like someone has their hand around my throat and is squeezing.
The thought of doing this all again, combined with terrifying birth and then newborn stage combined with a jealous toddler...sorry to sound dramatic but I feel like I've given myself a death sentence and I know that is not normal.
Not keeping the baby is not an option.
Already been to the doctor and booked in etc
We just com out the other side of the hardest year with our youngest and life was looking pretty good, I feel as though I've just gone and fucked it all up.
Has anyone out there had experience of this? It would really help to know I'm not alone and I'm not just an ungrateful monster.

Temporaryname137 Tue 22-Nov-16 07:48:47

I have no experience as only have one, so more helpful people will be along soon, but just wanted to say, try and be kind to yourself. You're hormonal and tired and worried - that's not a monster, that's a human flowers

YelloDraw Tue 22-Nov-16 07:49:42

Why is not keeping it not an option? quite a stressful situation. Hope it works out.

Notonthestairs Tue 22-Nov-16 07:52:44

You are not a monster and I seriously doubt that you are the first woman to feel like this. Can you talk to your GP to see if there is anything more they can help with to ease the sickness (sorry I don't have any experience of it so I can't suggest anything helpful). What about also getting a childminder for a few hours for your youngest? Is there more help your DH or family can give you?

curr78 Tue 22-Nov-16 07:53:14

Hey , sorry to hear your feeling like this, but I don't think yr alone , last year I found myself pregnant, I spent days swinging between hating myself , wishing awful things and crying , sadly for me it didn't end well after I accepted the pregnancy ( I was about 15 weeks at the acceptance stage ).and I lost the baby on the 27th/11 .at. 20 week scan .
Have you mentioned this to the gp I don't know much about hypermesis , but maybe they can give you something early on to make your life easier,
Also tell your oh that although that this is great news for him , it's not for you and ask him for extra support , I hope you start feeling a little happier.

Lweji Tue 22-Nov-16 07:54:32

Not been there, but flowers

I'd think you need a plan. To talk to your OH and GP, possibly the parents and ILs, and sort out a plan that takes weight off you and will allow you to cope better with it all.
Stand firmly that you will need all to contribute. Book some child care for the youngest. Even insist your OH takes parental leave or part of the maternity leave.

But, remember that antecipation tends to be worse than the reality.

positivity123 Tue 22-Nov-16 07:59:38

Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do, accept it and try and face it.
The absolute most important thing is that you feel in control again so how can you do that? How can you best care for yourself so you can cater for others?
Can you put your younger DC in childcare if you get sick?
Hire a maternity nurse for the first 6 weeks the new baby is here? Knowing you have extra support at the beginning might make you feel less scared.
Best of luck

OFFFS Tue 22-Nov-16 07:59:49

I have four, all with close age gaps and it is do-able. It's hard, but we do it.

What help do you have? You say you are financially comfortable, at the very least you need a cleaner. Whatever you can outsource, do. If it's possible, your DH needs to do school runs, or start looking for a childminder now. Does your toddler go to nursery? If not now is a good time to start exploring this.

We are all different as have different ways of doing things. For me it's having a plan and finding practical solutions. It just makes it seem possible. And it is. It really is.

OFFFS Tue 22-Nov-16 08:04:05

If it helps, try to remember that this is a short phase in your whole life, and it will pass. I'm watching mine turning into young adults, and when I look back I can't believe what I did.

Mrsemcgregor Tue 22-Nov-16 08:05:12

I would feel the same in you situation, it must be awful for you.

Sorry I have no advice other than to take care of yourself. If the pregnancy progresses (as currently planned) be extra aware of possible PND, I had it and didn't realise for almost a year and wished I had got help sooner. With the way you are feeling you could be more prone.


80sWaistcoat Tue 22-Nov-16 08:06:20

Pre natal depression is a thing. Talk to your GP maybe...

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Tue 22-Nov-16 08:12:36

Hi OP, I am in exactly the same boat, only own I'm 37 weeks and the new arrival is imminent. I'd love to say I got over the anxiety in time and I'm now super excited etc but truly, honestly I'm not.

I am struggling with anxiety still and have awful feelings of dread, but I am working through this with my DP and GP and it is getting a bit better.

What we have decided to do is DP take the mat leave as he gets the sawmill enhanced package I do, so having my section first week of December and will return to work end of Dec, first week of January and he will take over. I know this probably seems monstrous to some, but my mental health wouldn't cope being at home with a newborn and an 18 month old every day. DP will be great smile

Sometimes what I'm saying is, if you really can't face doing the baby years again, perhaps you could do something similar to me and get back to work so it's not so relentless?

Hopefully though in time you'll feel acceptance and be ok with the pregnancy but if not, you've got other options.

Best of luck flowers

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Tue 22-Nov-16 08:13:49

oh my gosh, sodding predictive text, you get what I mean!

Scooby20 Tue 22-Nov-16 08:17:12

There is no real reason not to. Enough rooms, financially very comfortable etc

But there is reason. He is really serious. I'd your dh giving up work to look after the toddler while you are so I'll? Pay for a nanny? Stay at home and help look after the kids?

I can't tell you what you should do or if this feeling will pass. But your husband bring over the moon when you are the one that deals with the shit tells me he isn't thinking of you.

CwtchesAndCuddles Tue 22-Nov-16 08:17:18

I had two HG pregnancies and said never again! You are in shock. If you are going to continue then you need to look at practical ways to make this work and start putting strategies in place now. Can you afford extra help such as a cleaner, mothers help etc to help through the pregnancy? Family support - grandparents to take the kids out / sleepover etc?

Good luck - you never know the HG may not be as bad, a friend had two HG pregnancies and the third was normal morning sickness for a few weeks.

Haudyerwheesht Tue 22-Nov-16 08:17:35

You're not a monster. Having HG made me utterly utterly terrified of getting pregnant again. It's a horrific condition and much misunderstood I think.

Could you afford childcare for the toddler? Tbh if your HG comes back again I think you'll need to. Could you contact home start for support? Did you take anti sickness meds?

I had HG both times but my second pregnancy was nothing in comparison to my first - sick every day a few times but I was able to function. Maybe you'll get lucky?

Scooby20 Tue 22-Nov-16 08:19:07

Stand firmly that you will need all to contribute

I dint think anyone can insist their parents and pil take the pressure off. What if they have jobs?

Phalenopsisgirl Tue 22-Nov-16 08:19:43

Financially comfortable and plenty of room. Get an au pair or if you can afford it nanny/ maternity nurse. Once the baby comes you might find you cope brilliantly but having the crutch of some help (even knowing help will be coming soon) might be enough to allow you to feel more relaxed and in control.

Halloweensnake Tue 22-Nov-16 08:20:27

Buy in help.get an au pair a live in one...get a cleaner. X

TheProblemOfSusan Tue 22-Nov-16 08:24:18

Please go to the GP, I think perhaps on your own, and tell them how anxious and upset you are. You really don't sound like you want to continue this pregnancy and yet you feel trapped by your DH telling people. I'm not saying either way what you should do but it sounds like you need to talk to someone quickly to help you with this. Is a pregnancy counsellor a thing? I'm sure it must be. I hope you can feel better soon.

bookwormnerd Tue 22-Nov-16 08:28:49

I had hypermesis with both my children. I would go to doctors as soon as you feel it's heading in that direction and get medication. Hypermesis can make you feel negative as it takes so much out of you. I just concentrated on end result. Drink lots as I got told at hospital that if don't drink it makes it worse even if drinking makes you feel sick. I had a toddler when went through second time and she was happy to sit and draw, watch a film, do stickers etc.... your toddler may not be jealous, mine wasn't at all. We had a gift from the baby for her and she helped pick stuff out for him. You are not an ungreatful monster. It's hard to feel cheerful when you spend a majority of day hung over the toilet or feeling faint. I would really talk to doctors having a plan in place for medication if feel need it. Look at baby photos of your others to remind you why so worth it and go easy on your self. Get your dh to take some responsibility whether cooking or taking kids out to give you a break

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe Tue 22-Nov-16 08:32:12

You are not a monster.

You are tired and, upset and under a lot of pressure. You need to sit down with your partner and work out how to deal with this.

SuperFlyHigh Tue 22-Nov-16 08:51:01

I've always said if I got pregnant now (at 45 bloody miracle) but eg with twins etc I'd get a nanny.

Could you get a live in or live out nanny to help or au pair (nanny more experienced) so you get more time to you.

Also if you have the money I'd go private for post natal PND specialist help.

YetAnotherSpartacus Tue 22-Nov-16 08:56:18

Please go to the GP, I think perhaps on your own, and tell them how anxious and upset you are. You really don't sound like you want to continue this pregnancy and yet you feel trapped by your DH telling people. I'm not saying either way what you should do but it sounds like you need to talk to someone quickly to help you with this. Is a pregnancy counsellor a thing? I'm sure it must be. I hope you can feel better soon.

Assuming your GP is sympathetic then I totally agree with Susan above. This is how I read your post. Your DH also comes across as totally unsympathetic TBH. He's delighted and telling everyone and can't see that you were upset / has no empathy for the struggle you went through before?

Whether you decide to go through with the pregnancy or not then I also think you should see about sterilisation... why not leave some pamphlets for your DH about the option of a vasectomy?

FluffyPersian Tue 22-Nov-16 09:02:43

As soon as I found out I was pregnant I just cried, felt anxious and felt it was a death sentence and it was my first pregnancy. I felt so, so bad and couldn't see any positives at all. You aren't a monster, nor are your feelings wrong or bad.

There are always options - Just because your Husband has told his parents, doesn't mean you couldn't terminate if you want to. Even if your Husband feels it's a 'no brainer', you're the one who is pregnant, therefore it's your choice what happens.

Please talk to people and please be honest about how you feel. I genuinely thought that all women in the world must have been so happy and excited about being pregnant and I was the one 'freak' in the corner who was so unhappy and anxious and it made things 100 times worse as I didn't tell people as I thought I was a bad person and they'd judge me - Yet when I finally did talk about it, I only found sympathy, support and a lot of women saying they felt the same as me.

I hope you feel better soon, whatever path you take.

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