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To feel left out of this important decision.

(90 Posts)
pregnantat50 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:43:31

My sister is putting mum in a care home She gave me a lift home and stopped the car in lay-by, looked at me and said "Pregnant, this is so hard for me to say but me and BIL have been visiting care homes for mum and we have found one locally that can take her" However, despite my sister having power of attorney the care homes said, If my mum has an understanding of what a hospital is then the decision is still hers (my mums is forgetful but still eats, feeds the cat, and functions in society, she does forget names and whether children are her children or her grandchildren) My sister says she worries about mum when she is abroad and I am at work, she imagines her getting lost or doing something dangerous. I can see her point but mum will be devastated and what about her cat!

My sister is waiting for the next appointment with mums oncologist as the care home said it may be my mum needs more specific end of life care linked to her cancer rather than her alzheimers. I feel so powerless but understand my sister is just wanting the best for mum. Its sad, I have always thought mum would stay in her home until the end of her life and I dont feel that is imminent.

I am taking mum to see an optician on Saturday as since her cataract operation her eye sight has improved and she needs a new prescription, My sister has told me not to mention anything to mum, but I feel like a traitor to her, I always promised mum she wouldn't end up in a home.

AIBU to feel my sister should have discussed this with me before she got to this stage, I would also like to have been included in visiting the care homes for peace of mind to ensure they are the right place for mum.

Hillarious Mon 21-Nov-16 14:51:56

OP - you have to appreciate that your sister is a little further along the line in considering how your mum can be looked after. I'm guessing she's looked at homes to give her an idea as to whether she's thinking along the right lines, for some reassurance herself, and there's nothing to stop you visiting homes too. It's never going to be easy making a decision like this and she has told you now what her thoughts are, obviously wanting to make it a joint decision. FWIW, my grandfather's final years were spent in a care home, first when he was not able to cope on his own, and he then went on to develop dementia. The home turned out to be the absolute best thing for him and the staff in the home were amazing.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus Mon 21-Nov-16 14:57:43

It is so hard and I think it is unfair of your sister to have only told you now.

But without knowing what the set up is with regards to who looks after your Mum then it is hard to comment.

I can only say from my own experience that I am so glad that my Dad never had to go into care as he would have hated it. Because he didn't like spending money. He spent his last couple of days in hospital but had suffered a heart attack and had lost the plot to the point he thought he was at home and was worried that he would have to pay for the nurses grin.

If your mum does need to go into care, I think there are some homes that allow pets.

pregnantat50 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:59:58

Thanks hilarious I can see what you are saying, and I think because she has power of attorney and is the older sister that she probably feels its her duty to take control. It just came as a shock. The trouble is mum wont allow carers to visit her, she sacked the home help (she told me she doesn't hoover properly!), doesn't open the door to the nurses when they come to administer medicine so I can understand why this route is being explored. The one person she allows to help is the gardener. She seems to like him.

The cat is what will upset her the most, he is mums baby and I think finding a care home to accept a cat will be almost impossible.

MorrisZapp Mon 21-Nov-16 15:00:53

Will you be able to have your mum live with you? I can't see any other reason for promising her she'll never have to go into a care home, sorry. My gran is in a home and its guilt inducing all round, but the human ageing process is what it is. It can't be wished away with love and good intentions.

pregnantat50 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:02:15

Exit We share the care, but my sister has a home abroad and is there more than she is here. At the moment my mum lives in walking distance to me (I dont drive) and the home my sister is considering is in a remote (but lovely) village that doesnt have much in the way of public transport. My fear is she would be a long way off in a home without any visitors

MorrisZapp Mon 21-Nov-16 15:02:22

Sorry I didn't mean to sound blunt. I know it's an intensely emotional, stressful time x

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:03:46

I understand you thought you're mum would stay in her home till the end, but did you think through who would care for her and how difficult that could potentially be ? Would you quit work for it for example? Could you cope with the emotional stress of it?

It does sound like your mum may be getting to the stage where she may actually get better care in a home, not knowing who people are leaves her hugely vulnerable and sometimes it's hard to see the decline until something goes wrong.

It's difficult and you have my sympathies, but your sister does seem to be looking at it realistically and seeking medical opinion.

pregnantat50 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:03:47

Morris I did want to live and care for my mum, but my sister didnt want that to happen, she worried as I have 2 DD and 2 DS that they would be too much for her to be around all the time. I lived with her for 4 months this year and she seemed to love it, but my sister kept asking me when I was moving out so mum could have some peace.

pregnantat50 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:05:25

Yes I agree, I know my sister is only thinking of the best for mum, I think I was just upset as it came out of the blue. Thanks for the responses

ExitPursuedBySpartacus Mon 21-Nov-16 15:08:06

Bollocks to peace. We get enough peace when we are dead.

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:09:33

How old are your children? Could your sister have been asking because your mum asked her to ask you? Sorry but sometimes our best intentions aren't what others want😞

pregnantat50 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:10:38

My mum was very upset when we left, she kept asking my son, when we were coming back sad

pregnantat50 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:13:42

We got into a lovely routine, every weekend we would have a Jigsaw puzzle on the go, My son would take my mum out to eat with his girlfriend and she loved being with everyone.

My mum has a large house (my family home) and I had sold my home and was in the process of buying a place but mum asked us to move in with her, my sister made me feel as though we had forced ourselves on her which was the case at all.

I think we both want the best for mum, its just a shock thats all.

Rosa Mon 21-Nov-16 15:15:21

It sounds as though your mum is refusing any help that is being offered - so her options of staying at home are being reduced every time she won't let carers or nurses in. If she let them do what they are trying to do then she could stay in her home longer. She probably forgets or doesn't think she needs them or she is scared. Any form of dementia is horrible . My father always said he would hate to go into a care home of any sorts with 'old' people sitting in chairs . He has been in since March and he is well cared for, he joins in with activites and it is harder on us on the outside than him as we know what he was and what he loved for. I would ask your sister if you can go and see the places and become more involved with her and her future. You are still her daughter ....

sianihedgehog Mon 21-Nov-16 15:17:31

Op, it doesn't sound like your mum is do far gone that she can't be involved in this decision. Why don't you an your sister both sites down and talk to her? Maybe she WOULD prefer for you to care for her full time, but maybe she'd actually prefer a home. It doesn't sit right with me either that your sister is presenting it as already decided. Could you at least take care of your mum's cat if she couldn't?

NeighTrumpSnort Mon 21-Nov-16 15:18:55 first I felt your sister had your mums best interests at heart....but the more I'm reading it appears that she doesn't want you to have as much access to her.

pregnantat50 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:19:52

My mums, mum had the same nasty disease and ended up in a home too, which she hated which is when mum asked me to promise not to put her in one. (Incidentaly my mums mum was put in the home by her DH who died shortly afterwards, I think he knew he was dying and had hidden her failing memory and mental abilities from us all so well before that.

HeyMacWey Mon 21-Nov-16 15:22:32

So your sister is out of the country more often than not, and has found a care home that is difficult for you to get to - I'm not surprised you're pissed off.

I'd expect a joint discussion rather than something being presented as a done deal.

Was your mother more accepting of outside help when you were living with her?

Can you not have joint power of attorney?

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:24:28

You own your own home though? What would happen to that if you lived in with your mum? Are you single?

Also, again how old are your kids, it's hard to be a parent and a full time carer, especially if you have to give up work to do so. Will you be able to survive financially?

Sorry, I just think it's important to think through the practicalities.

Dragongirl10 Mon 21-Nov-16 15:26:01

It sounds like your mum would much rather you and your DCs moved in to take care of is her life after all.....

but would you be willing and able to take that on?

I feel sad for your mum facing being put in a home against her will and without her pet. Please explore all the options first.

Good luck

HummusForBreakfast Mon 21-Nov-16 15:26:37

It sounds like your dsis found a solution that would for her.
And you found a solution that would work for you (and your mum) when yu moved in with her.

I believe that its upp to your mum to decide.
I also truly believe that it is essential to speak to your mum about it. As she can still take decisions, its not up to your dsis to go round and chose the care home. Its up to your mum (with your and your dsis help of course).

I would feel unconfortable that she is acting as if she is the one in charge and knows best wo involving your mum.
Some talks about your mum needing to let nurses etc... in is essential and knowing that the other option is a care home might be enough to make her change iyswim.

I would also want to ask your dsis who is going to see yur mum whilst she is away abroad as you wouldnt be able to go and see often.
Does she really think that being on her own for weeks and weeks with no visitors is going to be good for your mum??
Its all well and good to take a decision but she isnt there to then cope with the consequences of it (like going to visit her etc...) then I dont think its fair.

FadedRed Mon 21-Nov-16 15:27:07

Apologies if I'm misreading something here, Op, but what does your mother want? If she is still 'competent', then your sister cannot force her to leave her home. Even if everyone bar her think it is 'for the best'.
Has your sister discussed this with your mother? If so, why ask you to keep it secret?

icanteven Mon 21-Nov-16 15:28:25

Yeah, you know, when I read your first post, I thought "Her sister has everyone's best interests at heart - this is good" but reading the whole thing, I think your sister is making sure that you don't get the house.

Who is paying for this lovely, remote care home that nobody can get to while your sister lives abroad?

ElspethFlashman Mon 21-Nov-16 15:35:45

I would be dubious if someone with 4 kids could be the sole full time 24/7 carer for someone with 2 serious and advancing illnesses like cancer and Alzheimer's.

How she is now, is not how she will stay. And if she won't have other carers in, you will be in trouble before you know it.

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