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About dh always blaming others?

(145 Posts)
Zaratall Mon 21-Nov-16 09:33:30

Dh seems to be always making mistakes.

Everything from losing his keys, losing his wallet, leaving the lights on in the car, driving off in the dark without putting the lights on, losing money, knocking drinks over, perhaps more seriously he completely wasted someone's time because he didn't listen to some information given or to me when I told him.

This is fine, we all make mistakes, what I can't stand anymore is that he won't take responsibility for his mistakes and prefers to blame his family.

For example, this weekend he gave our toddler jam on toast on the sofa. The toddler rubbed the jam into the sofa, so dh, instead of just cleaning it off got huffy with our older child for apparently having taken the throw off the sofa (even though this wasn't the case), and even if it was it was clear that the throw was off before he gave the toddler the jam.

He left the car headlights on and the battery went flat (a neighbour had text). So dh got huffy again with older child saying they'd put the interior light on. When dh realised it was the headlights and that he was the last to use the car, he blamed me for apparently making him go out to get chips (again I hadn't and the chips were his idea).

When he lost some money he blamed me for moving it.

When he knocks drinks over he blames me for putting them there.

When he fucked up over an appointment recently he had no one to blame because I tried to warn him. So he sulked and tried to make out he had some kind of illness and needs to see a doctor. Instead of just admitting he didn't listen to the information given or double check.

This is only scratching the surface of his blaming ways, it's been going on for years and I can't take much more.

When I try to speak to him about it he'll try to find some logic to his blaming. He even blamed his boss at work saying his boss blames him a lot so it's learnt behaviour.

Surely this is not normal? Don't most people just hold their hands up and try to rectify mistakes?

SleepFreeZone Mon 21-Nov-16 09:35:42

Accepting blame is certainly adult behaviour so it does make you wonder why he is acting so childlike 🤔

BadKnee Mon 21-Nov-16 09:38:38

How old is your DH? The constant forgetfulness is worrying. We all make mistakes but the extent that you indicate is worrying. If he is frightened that he is making more than he should be then he will get defensive and blame others.

baconandeggies Mon 21-Nov-16 09:40:19

Sounds like a way of life for him and he takes no responsibility. The sulking is also unacceptable. Thirdly, he doesn't want to change his ways, even after (I assume) you've told him the effect it has on other people. YANBU.

Scarydinosaurs Mon 21-Nov-16 09:40:26

This is learned behaviour. My dad does it, and I hated it growing up- and when I begin to recognise that flash of "this isn't my fault" when I was an adult and things went wrong, I felt mortified. I just have to ignore it and own the mistake.

My older brothers all blame other people like your DH.

BadKnee Mon 21-Nov-16 09:40:45

It sounds to me like it might help to see a doctor. Is he very stressed?

Zaratall Mon 21-Nov-16 09:42:08

He is 32. In my opinion I don't think there is anything wrong with him aside from being disorganised and not listening.

It isn't just forgetfulness, he constantly tailgates other drivers then when we nearly rear end them he blames them for slow driving, braking badly or not indicating.

donajimena Mon 21-Nov-16 09:42:37

My ex was like this. Nothing was ever his fault. He got investigated by the inland revenue because CSA raised a flag over his income (nil) that was MY fault. Not his for deliberately witholding maintenance..

DH can be a bit like this but I don't let him get away with it. If he tries the blame game he gets told bluntly that it is his responsibility and to stop trying to offload blame on someone else. He has improved a bit.

baconandeggies Mon 21-Nov-16 09:44:04

He sounds pretty dysfunctional, what are his good qualities?

Zaratall Mon 21-Nov-16 09:44:46

I wouldn't say he was particularly stressed and he has been like this for all the years I've known him, 10 years.

hmcAsWas Mon 21-Nov-16 09:45:49

My husband is exactly the same. Nothing is ever his fault. Its one of the reasons that I struggle to respect him and we aren't a close as we should be

baconandeggies Mon 21-Nov-16 09:45:51

But constantly tailgating isn't just making a mistake.. it's illegal and reckless.

Bountybarsyuk Mon 21-Nov-16 09:46:03

My husband had a real issue with this and I've pulled him up on it over the years. It was all 'you moved the keys' 'you've lost my whatever'. So, I stopped touching his stuff, it's either where he left it or in his room (pigsty, but I don't tidy in there either). Now he has no-one to blame as I have abdicated responsibility for all items/keys/letters. I also keep really calm if he's going 'where's my x' and say 'that's a good question, where's your x?' and leave him to it. Part of the problem was that I was reacting to everything and hearing it as blame, and now I leave him to it and this has led him to function just fine without me looking for stuff all the time.

RentANDBills Mon 21-Nov-16 09:46:28

He sounds awful shock sorry, OP.

He has some positive points too, right?

Bountybarsyuk Mon 21-Nov-16 09:48:03

Tailgaiting is very bad behaviour, either drive yourself or refuse to go with him. I refused to let my husband drive me at one point as he was driving in an unsafe way. He went on an advanced driving course and once the ex-policeman told him not to tailgate, he stopped. Go figure!

leaveittothediva Mon 21-Nov-16 09:48:08

Yes, some men do this, don't give it legs, they will get the message soon enough. Walk away from their drama.

Zaratall Mon 21-Nov-16 09:48:09

He does of course have many good qualities but this blaming thing is too much.

I can almost take being blamed myself and I do defend myself but I can't take him blaming the dc.

My dad used to be a blamed and it's terrible behaviour.

I can remember my dad blaming my mum because he'd eaten something past it's use by date from the fridge. It was apparently my mums fault because she was responsible for emptying the fridge.

scaryclown Mon 21-Nov-16 09:49:23

Well in my experience thus is great training for working with public sector bosses.

Dark humour aside grin This also sounds like someone whi is worried about something unsolvable.. or is tired, or depressed..when i am like this i only notice realiity directly when something goes wrong... and i gwt it more in winter if i'm not religeous about my own sleep routine..including adding an extra hour.

i'm not saying its tge whole solution, but being positive might help as it sounds a bit ego defemcy...

BadKnee Mon 21-Nov-16 09:49:53

Oh dear that's hard. I had been thinking early onset dementia as what you have described is often an indicator - but he is young and it is not new.

It is behavioural then and that is something that if he wants to he can change - but it won't be easy.

Jinglebellsandv0dka Mon 21-Nov-16 09:50:44

Wow he sounds draining and like my father, I don't know how his poor wife puts up with him. He has depression though...

You can either -

1) tell him to feck off and move out so he has no one to blame but himself

Or

2) Every single time he does it tell him to STFU and not entertain any discussion on it.

I would absolutly round on him if he blamed my kids for shit they didn't do. He is being a wanker

CockacidalManiac Mon 21-Nov-16 09:51:22

It's only likely to worsen as he gets older.

ExplodingCarrots Mon 21-Nov-16 09:54:28

What were his parents like growing up OP?
My dad is exactly like this. Growing up with it was bloody awful. Me and my mum got blamed for everything. I've suffered with anxiety all my life because of it. It's exhausting.

RattieOfCatan Mon 21-Nov-16 09:55:10

This drives me mad. My dad is never at fault for anything, even when we provide irrefutable proof he will sulk and blame somebody else for something that caused him to do whatever he did.

It's pathetic. I've taken to pointing out that he's wrong now (when he is) and making a point of refusing to let him blame his usual suspect for things that he has said or done (my mother being the usual suspect!).

He tried to blame her a few weeks ago for him constantly calling me fat confused hmm I was heavily pregnant and a poke to the belly usually accompanied the comment so I snapped one day and asked him to stop saying it. It was all my mums fault apparently. She doesn't tell him these things hmm

baconandeggies Mon 21-Nov-16 09:55:58

I can almost take being blamed myself

Don't you dare - you'll be enabling it and also setting a poor example.

If this is affecting family life and he doesn't see any problem, is it a form of emotional abuse? Sounds wearing and selfish of him at the very least.

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