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to not give DS1 (16) a lift to school in the mornings?

(49 Posts)
FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Mon 21-Nov-16 09:10:10

We live less than a mile from his secondary school. He walks most days, but about once a week he will complain about the weather "I left my coat at school, ...can't find an umbrella, ...have a project to take in" etc or will be late getting up, too tired to walk etc and will badger me for a lift to school.

Most of the time DS2 (12) has already left to walk to this same school by the time DS1 starts on about a lift. DD (9) is still getting ready as she leaves half an hour later.

AIBU to say "no, walk in the rain, put your project in a big bag" etc rather than pandering to him and leaving DD alone for 10 mins in the mornings getting ready while I ferry DS1 to school.

FWIW I work at home so am not usually washed and dressed until after the DCs leave for school, which means me having to drive him in my PJs or hurriedly get ready.

I'm getting fed up with him asking and it starts my day on a sour note having an argument where he tells me what a crap mother I am for not giving him a lift.

Babyroobs Mon 21-Nov-16 09:37:19

I have 4 kids. Three of them are great in the morning, they are organised, independent and ready to walk to school in good time. My ds1(17years) however just can't seem to cope with mornings, cannot wake up despite numerous alarms and calls from us. He is also usually in a foul mood and either my dh or myself tend to drop him at school every morning just to ensure he gets there. Even though we do this we still get frquent texts from the school about lateness. I do get so fed up with nagging him and his constant dragging his heels makes my dh late for work also. It sets the whole day off on a bad footing.
I really don't know whether we do the right thing by pandering to him but the alternative is him getting chucked out of school ( sixth form). I do worry how he will ever cope going away to Uni next year. Funnily enough he can usually manage to get himself up for an early start for an important football away match though.

DoItTooJulia Mon 21-Nov-16 09:40:31

No pandering! Like you say it won't do him any favours in the real world!

Bloody kids,eh?

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Mon 21-Nov-16 09:42:18

yes, funny that! grin

To be fair, my DS would get to school - and on time - if I didn't give him a lift, it's not like he actually needs it, he just moans when he doesn't get it, as when it's windy or raining his hair will get messed up hmm or his £500 guitar will get wet as the carry case isn't waterproof ("so don't take a £500 guitar to school then!!!")

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty Mon 21-Nov-16 09:44:28

Julia, I like to think that too - I'm preparing him for a world in which he doesn't get to call the shots and then moan at anyone who doesn't do exactly what he wants. It's just making my life a misery in the process!

He has actually said to me previously that there is no point trying to teach him anything as he won't learn, he will just be resentful of any 'life lessons' I try to give him. confused

Jinglebells99 Mon 21-Nov-16 09:47:05

I get up at 7 just to give my kids a lift to the train station, about a 15 min walk. I'm not sure they appreciate it tbh :/

Bagina Mon 21-Nov-16 09:50:13

YANBU. Ultimately you're not doing him any favours. He needs to be organised and independent.

BertrandRussell Mon 21-Nov-16 09:51:25

It would depend very much on the attitude. The slightest hint of strop or entitlement and no lift. Very occasionally, if asked very nicely, maybe.

I give my ds a lift to the station most mornings- it's convenient for me, because I then walk the dog- and he walks back in the afternoon- it's 2 miles. He sometimes rings and wheedles. And I usually give in. But it's definitely asking a favour, not an expectation.

RentANDBills Mon 21-Nov-16 09:54:22

YANBU at all
Does he have a part time job/ get pocket money?
He could always call himself a taxi. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to walk 15 minutes when he realises the cost of that.

ParadiseCity Mon 21-Nov-16 09:55:17

Agree it depends on attitude. DS doesn't need a lift but is very organised and non demanding in the mornings- so if he is genuinely late/tired etc it is unusual and not him trying it on, and so maybe once a month I will offer him a lift.

DD on the other hand is a moody heel dragging morning nightmare. But she gets it from me.

budgiegirl Mon 21-Nov-16 09:59:23

I'd only take him in exceptional circumstances, such as I'd probably give him a lift if it's a day like it is here today, absolutely hammering down, I got drenched walking the dog, even with coat, brolly and wellies, and I wouldn't like to sit in a classroom all day soaking wet.

But on most days, even with a little rain, then I'd tell him to walk - tough if he's up late, too tired, left his coat at school.

ViewBasket Mon 21-Nov-16 10:14:08

Does he go to sleep early enough the night before? Could he be on his phone late at night, making him tired the next morning and reluctant to get up at the right time?

Get a cheap spare coat and umbrella so not having those won't be a barrier, and a waterproof guitar case (Christmas present?)

WonderWine Mon 21-Nov-16 10:23:18

I feel your pain - same here with two teens 15 & 17, but fascinating how their different approaches make me react differently.
DS (17), sweet, charming, will feign pouty sadness about his lack of coat/ heavy bags, and will sidle up with a cup of tea, give me a hug and say, 'I know you're really busy, and I shouldn't ask, but is there any chance of a lift this morning as I have all this stuff?' I know I'm being manipulated, but fall for it every time and quite appreciate the morning chat and banter in the car.
Meanwhile DS (15) will roll out of bed late, blaming everyone except himself for his lack of alarm, sports kit, text books. Will then announce that he CAN'T walk as he doesn't have his earphones (and did we steal them from his pocket? shock) Massive row ensues and after much stomping and door banging eventually DH or I take him grudgingly, for which we receive no thanks. When he comes home later, he has forgotten he was so vile and doesn't mention that his earphones were in his blazer pocket all the time angry. DH & I keep saying we need to clamp down on this behaviour, so will watch with interest!

GrabbyGrabby Mon 21-Nov-16 10:30:45

Aww, I have four DC and when they were at school I would give them lifts occasionally even though school was very close. They would be really grateful and were fully aware that I was going above and beyond my normal level of parenting. It's nice to spoil them sometimes as long as they are grateful and otherwise hardworking etc I don't see a problem. My kids knew that I wouldn't do it unless I wanted to.

Goingtobeawesome Mon 21-Nov-16 10:31:05

Him saying you're a crap mother for not taking him would mean there would be no lifts for a very long time in my house.

Last night my 15 year old asked if I'd take him to school today. I asked on what grounds. He said in case the bus doesn't come and so he has extra revision time.

In the last month he has been late or nearly late two or three times due to the bus being late or not coming so legislate concerns and as he has mock GCSEs this week it was too important to risk. So I took him as he asked nicely and said thank you.

He also has a coat now after being cold and wet for a couple of days and having previously resisted all my offers to buy him one or take him to choose..

FrogTime Mon 21-Nov-16 10:34:33

Tell him the car is broken. Use it when he's not there and say you can't afford to repair it for at least 3 months. Time enough to get used to walking?

golfbuggy Mon 21-Nov-16 10:34:49

Similar here, but I've told DS he needs really good reason to get a lift (partly because going anywhere near his school in a car at school drop off time is a huge nightmare).

So in the last year he's had 2 lifts because of absolutely awful torrential rain and 1 lift due to having to take in a "make a castle" homework.

He doesn't generally ask as he knows I won't budge. I suspect the moaning in your case is because DS knows you "might" budge.

BathshebaSnowflakeStone Mon 21-Nov-16 10:34:50

Mine will be walking to school, rain or shine, up late or early, project or not, when they start year 7.

Goingtobeawesome Mon 21-Nov-16 10:34:57

As for refusing to learn from you hmm.

Trifleorbust Mon 21-Nov-16 10:38:53

Oh right, you're wasting your time trying to teach him anything because he will 'only resent you' for it hmm

The life lesson here is that no-one is going to care about his little resentments. He will still have to get himself to work! YANBU.

SaucyJack Mon 21-Nov-16 10:38:56

Yes and no. Would you walk somewhere in the rain when you had a car sitting there?

No excuses for the name calling tho.

golfbuggy Mon 21-Nov-16 10:42:01

I walk to work in "normal" rain. Which is why I expect my DC to walk to school as well. I don't think giving the message that it's raining and one cannot possibly be out in it is particularly helpful. Unless other people live in areas where the rain has people melting properties?

HearTheThunderRoar Mon 21-Nov-16 10:42:11

Yanbu! We live in the sticks with no public transport so I drop Dd off in the mornings on my way to work, however I make her walk in all weathers to my work after school. (20-30 min walk)

I work full time and have brought her an umbrella and raincoat and sometimes she texts me if it's raining "can u pick me up", long after I've had my lunch break which means a no. I do feel sorry for, but I have no choice because it's not fair on me to have to give up my lunchtime.

She is lucky though as when if it is hammering down, a family friend will often take pity on her and give her a ride into my work.

IEatCannibals Mon 21-Nov-16 10:46:35

Don't do it.

Dd missed the school bus last week and wanted a lift, we're 7 miles from school.

I refused and told her to work out how to get to school on public transport! grin. There's regular buses and trains into town from our village and then only a 20 min walk to school. Bet she won't miss the bus again in a hurry!

pennycarbonara Mon 21-Nov-16 10:50:54

Get a cheap spare coat and umbrella so not having those won't be a barrier, and a waterproof guitar case (Christmas present?)

That sounds like a great idea.

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