to want to remove my ILs from my life?(55 Posts)
My head is completely muddled and I don't know what I can do anymore. I've honestly tried but I don't think these people can be part of my life. I've no problem with their relationship with my DH or DC.
I could get into the ins and outs of it but there is too much. I feel as if there is too much history to mend it.
They're completely different people to what I've ever witnessed or who I am. That's fine. But they completely undermine me and make me feel little. I just feel horrible about myself and I feel as if my family would have an easier life without me causing this fuss.
I'm sorry I'm rambling and this is not even beginning to explain things but I just need someone to talk to. Is it possible for me to remove them from my life, or should I just put up and shut up? I need to do something as I can't deal with all their comments running around my head.
I think you need to explain a bit more. What are your in laws doing that is upsetting you? What comments are they making? What "fuss" are you causing? Does DH know how you feel?
Without more information it is difficult to suggest solutions, but I am sorry you are having such a hard time.
It's constant comments and every 3-4 months my DH has really big arguments with them. I know I'm a bit of an odd ball (enjoy my own company, a picky eater and I'm not really into the things they are). I have weight problems and I'm dealing with them but my MIL constantly comments on what I'm eating and how I look 'sick'. She's been at me lately as she thinks I will 'pass the habit on' to my DC. I don't feed them properly, breastfeeding isn't sufficient enough for my baby etc.
We all talked today but there was so much shouting, nothing got resolved. She said I'm not fit to mind my DC as I'm clearly sick. She said I'm rude and moody and it's due to my health. I should add, I have suffered with my mental health before but the two things aren't connected and it was some time ago.
They said they should have a key to check up on me or incase anything happens and this is probably the thing that's getting to me most. I'm capable of standing up for myself but it was impossible to make them listen to me. I think I should be allowed to have my boundaries and I should explain that but they wouldn't listen.
DH supports me but I feel as if I'm hindering his relationship with his family. I'm letting my DC down by having messed up relationship with them. I can be quiet aloof so I see why she might think I'm rude and I also think she wants to be a mother figure to me as I never had one.
What! ? This all sounds really oppressive and difficult. I can't believe they are saying things like this to you. I'd be rude and moody with that level of criticism about my parenting. I'd be more than rude and moody! They sound dreadful, completely dreadful. Yanbu
I know it sounds ridiculous but I can't sleep right now thinking they'll just call over the thing we really disagreed on is if it's ok to have a key and just call over. DH and I obviously said no and tried to set boundaries but apparently it's rude. They said they come from a generation that it's ok for anyone to call over and you should welcome them. Am I being unreasonable to just want to be left alone or am I being unwelcoming?
It's odd for people to portray this level of worry for a person totally unfounded.
Are you giving any signs of struggling? Or more likely does your DH have a bit of a whinge to them about things you disagree with?
They sound like caring, if not overbaring people, who really do want the best for all 3 of you, and not just their DS.
They seem like they could do with a bit of education, on breastmilk, and your ability to be a good mother.
I'd suggest opening a dialogue, with your DH and them, however do not allow any concession to them being able to check up on your parenting, that sends a message you don't want to, and remember, your supposed to have a poor relationship with your IL's!
If it's OK for them to just call over, it's OK for you to ignore the door and don't answer / pretend you're out. It's not OK for them to have a key and let themselves on.
Honestly, do you think your eating habits could pass on to DC? Does you husband? If so, then ask for help but from someone who can helpn not who wants to just take over.
Really think DH needs to step up and talk to them, perhaps without you and DC there to say he's perfectly happy that you're coping but them getting on at you isn't helping.
You can choose not to go visit them but there will always be occasions when you need to be around them - ideally this relationship needs sorting xx
I think I'd be rude and moody if I was constantly being picked on!
Does DH have any concerns about your ability to cope as a mother? Has something triggered the ILs concerns or have they always been like this?
Your DH should be supporting you and telling his mother to get lost, and not show her face again unless and until she is civil. If she has the chance to get at you this much then she is obviously around too much. He is married to you, not his mum and he needs to remember that and act accordingly. He's a grown man, time for him to cut the ninny apron strings and if it is that you need some outside help (Im not sure you do actually, having an in-law like that would drag anybody down and anyway your MIL isn't qualified to diagnose you - silly woman) then your DH and yourself can discuss options and help available if need be. Dear mama doesn't need to be involved
What do you think about your ability to care for your children? Do you and your DH feel that you're capable? Are you currently receiving any counseling or help for any eating issues or MH needs? Have any other people in your life expressed any concerns to you that perhaps you aren't coping?
As far as your iLs, do you feel they are coming from a place of concern, even if the concern is misplaced? Some of the things your MiL said sound a bit OTT, but could it be that she is worried or just needs to be educated rather than that she's being nasty?
It does sound to me as if you are very anxious over this situation, perhaps a bit more anxious than the situation warrants. It sounds as if your DH backs you up (and is happy to do so). He's an adult and is responsible for his relationship with his parents, you aren't. And to be unable to sleep for fear that your iLs are going to knock on your door (a door you do not have to open to them) is also a bit of an overreaction. I'm not trying to be mean, I just think perhaps you aren't seeing this in perspective.
You don't have to visit them. You don't have to answer the door if they visit you. They are DH's parents and if they want to have a relationship with you it is up to them to change their behaviour.
Don't feel that you're letting your DC down. When I was growing up my mum had very limited contact with her in-laws; basically just an hour a year on Christmas day. I saw my grandparents at least once a week, with my dad. It never affected my relationship with them and I never thought it was strange. It was just how our family worked. It is far more likely to damage your DC's relationship with their grandmother if they have to watch her being unpleasant to you than if you simply phase her out of your life.
You are under no obligation to see them. It is good that you are happy with them seeing your DC and DH- because at the end of the day- they are the people that are really part of their lives, not you- and I don't mean that nastily. There's a difference between blood and marriage and I think only naturally your ILs will love your DH and DC more than you.
It is YOUR choice who you let in to your life and spend your time with- nobody elses. If your DH wants to see them then he can take DC round to visit- problematic if your breastfeeding so he may just have to go alone.
Stick to your guns though- but honestly OP if you think you have a eating disorder then please, please for the sake of yourself and your children get to the GP and get yourself some support.
Obviously it's up to you who you let have a key or who you let into your house.
But it does seem from your post as if you might need some extra support and help- are you getting all that you need? Separate that off from the in law issue. They are being incredibly cack handed about it- but is there any reality behind their concern? If the concern was being more sympathetically expressed by someone else, how would you feel about it? When they talk about wanting a key in case something happens, what do they mean?
I would protect myself by not going to see them, and not letting them in your house. DH can maintain the relationship, visiting with DC, but he must be alert for them undermining you in front of the DCs.
If you and DH are satisfied that you are doing a 'good enough' job, then they should back off and let you get on with it. Offering support is not that same as constantly criticising you.
Are there other people who would quietly step in in the unlikely event that your care for your DCs were to slip without you and DH noticing? Line them up, and use that as another reason to tell ILs to butt out.
It's difficult to know from your post whether they objectively have anything to worry about. What would your GP say? Or your best friend?
Even if there is a legitimate concern they sound rude and overbearing.
Do you have a friend or family member that could come & stay for a few days to give you some moral support & a different perspective on things?
My MIL seems to take anything I do differently to her as a personal slight or simply bizarre. So BFing longer than 6 weeks = root of all baby health issues. Baby being clingy = not leaving them with a nanny. Eating differently to her = being fussy or awkward.
I wonder if it's similar for you?
It sounds from your post however that you have very low self esteem and as other posters have said you may benefit from some good family support, and perhaps your PIL have observed some things that they want to help with - but are handling it really terribly and being extremely rude to you in the process.
YANBU to not give them a key or let them pop in whenever they like, and tbh it sounds like they don't really want to compromise on that.
I would absolutely facilitate your DH and DC to have a relationship with them without you present.
Why so they need to have keys, so they can call over unannounced and "surprise" check on you?
Why can't they just call first, or turn up and knock and if you're in (and want visitors) you'll answer?
Wanting the ability to let themselves in is strange, unless there are genuine issues of concern?
Yes it's really hard to know if their worries are founded or not. Are there any professionals involved with you two or parents
I don't think that there is any such thing as a "generation that it's ok for anyone to call over and you should welcome them". I suspect I'm the same generation as they are, and I would certainly not think that is the case. I think anyone is entitled their own personal space, and there shouldn't be an expectation that parents can turn up whenever they feel like it and their children and spouses will just drop everything and let them in. Certainly they should not have keys for the purposes of letting themselves into their children's houses and checking on their wives/husbands. Unless they can accept that it does look as if they are trying to bully you and will not be helpful to you.
I would be moody as fuck with this pair as in-laws OP. Out-laws more like! They clearly have no respect for your boundaries at all. At least your DH is on side so you have to improve and strengthen the boundaries together, They sound really thick skinned so it will take a while. Don't not do it or else your DC will think their behaviour is normal and it so isn't.
It sounds like they have genuine concerns, I would have too if my dil was not eating properly and looked sick. If you are not eating properly maybe she has a point about your breast milk not being enough for your baby. You need to eat a balanced diet to produce balanced breast milk.
If you have health problems or not, unless you are at risk of something like passing out then no they do not need a key. They do not need to pop around unannounced either, they can call and ask if you need anything. If they are worried that you don't answer the phone then they can call your husband.
You say there are often family arguments amongst them all. If they are tempestuous people who like to be over involved then I would guess that they ae using any perceived health issues as an excuse.
I have someone in my life who without fail shrieks about how pale I am. Does she believe it? Yes. Is it out of genuine concern? In a wierd was yes. If I mention that she always say it I get a "but not THIS pale". She also manages to convince herself that her dils neglect her grandchildren.she picks up on something she decides is true, winds herself up, then goes around teling others as if it's a truth, tries to get others involved in her concern. I can't see how someone may pick up on something like your weight issue and extrapolate on it.
I feel your pain, my ils are very similar.
We have fallen out many times over the children.
We had the popping in thing, the letting themselves in thing...like you I felt very stressed with them just rocking up. Saying no to these people results in hysterics, nastiness and abuse.
My youngest is 7 and it still continues, I mostly ignore them and my DH takes the children to visit. Unfortunately they live very near, we are looking at the possibility of moving 100 miles away as I can't see them getting any better. It has ground me down over the years.
It's very sad but they are bullies and they mob bully me when I say no to things. They don't have any boundaries and will not accept that I won't do things their way.
Its all about control, they are trying to control you and you need to stand up to them. It won't end well. They are attempting to undermine you with your husband.
I wish I had known before I married DH, we could have lived a good two hours away.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.